Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Marianne Faithfull - Sparrows Will Sing

Marianne Faithfull the ultimate hell raiser, is back with a new album, Give My Love To London (sponsored by Mars). It always amazes me when those debauched types are interviewed and they can remember with such clarity word for word conversations of past events and yet they claim their lives has been spent in a drug and alcohol stupor. I had a couple of shandys at a pub in Blackpool over the weekend and I can't even remember the name of the hotel we stayed at. That's Blackpool for you.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

RIP Kenny Ireland

As Benidorm's Donald with his "accommodating" wife Jacqueline.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Music To Sunbathe To

I was just a twinkle in my daddy's eye when this song came out. It was one of my mother's favourites and still is. I have fond memories of being about 3 years old sitting on my mother's lap, we'd be singing along together with the cassette tape, sometimes she would let me take over the steering whilst she lit a ciggy. Halcyon days! Hasn't the weather been gorgeous? Just like the long hot summers of yore. The Retsina is chilling, so grab a face reflector and pull up a deck chair it's Soley-Soley time.

Friday, 25 July 2014

Lady Muck

Just look at the haughtiness expressed on the Lady in Waiting's face. Who does she think she is? She has delusions of grandeur, she thinks she is the queen herself, well you're not love, you're just a peasant like the rest of us. The next time you're out and about leave the imitation pearl choker in your tiny bedsit and wear your best Primark drip-dry clobber and wake up to reality, you're just a lacky! Oh and your seat is the one next to the bogs.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Sunday, 13 July 2014

First Impressions

I forgot to mention that yesterday was my maid of all work's birthday, she's 48 though I must say, she doesn't look it, she looks much older and could easily pass for 60. 

When Carmen's crown came out she stuck it back in with superglue and it stayed put for over 6 years that is until recently when she was sat guzzling a box of toffee poppets with such fevour that she didn't even notice when her cheap acrylic crown had come out and that she had swallowed it.

After many visits to the dentist, and many £££s out of my facelift fund, she was eventually fitted with a new bespoke porcelain crown and as a bonus the dentist had given the impressions he made of her teeth to take home and dispose off. Instead of throwing them away, I thought I would make a feature of them without her knowledge. I sanded the rough edges down, gave them a coat of white emulsion, then stained them with a used teabag and baked them in the oven for half an hour, then once cooled I gave them a coat of furniture wax and they look amazingly like ivory and just the effect I was after. I can't say she looked thrilled when I presented them to her as a birthday present, in fact she looked at me as if I wasn't altogether plumb. The ungrateful bitch!

Wednesday, 25 June 2014


A gentleman caller gave me this beautiful cactus plant over two years ago, it's clump forming with flattish segments it looks a bit like root ginger from certain angles, it was in flower when he gave it to me and it's been in flower ever since. I've been scouring the Gardener's Encyclopedia of Plants & Flowers and the internet looking for it's name, but sadly no joy.

I see from the picture that Carmen has forget to pick up her wages!

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Shop Assistants

Do you remember not so long ago when a Swiss shop assistant refused to sell Oprah Winfrey a handbag? Well, a similar thing happened to me last year at the El Cortes Ingles department store in Santa Cruz, Tenerife. I was in menswear, admiring their fine array of V neck jumpers, I picked one I liked in charcoal grey. I was just checking the label for size and making sure that it wasn't made in China, when a hand belonging to the most snootiest looking shop assistant I've ever seen snatched the jumper from my grasp, folded it up and then placed it back on the shelf. As I reached for another jumper she wagged her finger under my nose saying "ah! ah!" and showed me the 90 euro price tag! After a few choice words to the "Shop Girl!" I left the store feeling a bit like Edna The Inebriate Woman. I'm sure Oprah must have felt that way too.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Morrissey - The Ballad Of Cleethorpes

This heat is turning me into Blanche Devereaux I can't stop thinking about men and there is nothing I can do about it. I visited Cleethorpes today with my maid of all work Carmen. All the time I was there this tune  kept popping into my head, especially the line "Come Armageddon come Armageddon come..."  I'll let Morrissey tell you the rest in his musical travelogue. I'm ending my day with a cherry brandy and a hearty round of Candy Crush.

Saturday, 7 June 2014

Clothing The Poor

There is a Chinese proverb that says 'Beware of occasions that demand new clothes' I've always ignored this piece of advice and as a result had a frightening number of clothes spilling out of my wardrobe many items have never been worn and still had the price tags attached. So before I went away on holiday I set about minimizing my wardrobe to 50% packed away in 11 black bin bags including the YSL shirt I bought from Fenwicks in canary yellow, the price I paid for that shirt is a secret I will take to the grave, I only kept it as a reminder that drinking alcohol in the afternoons and shopping don't mix. I didn't want to give them to the Oxfam shop because I didn't want the staff to have first dibs, so I sent them freepost directly to Africa.

I received a lovely e-mail this morning with a picture attached  from Ipaishe Pipi Opekwe who lives with her tribe in a little remote African village somewhere in Botswana thanking me graciously for the wonderful donation. It brought a tear to my eye.

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Bona Seadogs

Fireworks and celebration for the arrival of the three Queens docked at Southampton. I don't know who the other one was!

Lily Savage is looking a bit rough nowadays! No, it isn't Lily, it's the Celebrity Eclipse's Cruise Director Sue Denning. Bona riah!
Mitzi's Log


After 2 rough days at sea, where did we find ourselves?

Malaga: Sunny with patchy cloud. Disaster struck, my maid of all work Carmen, started to complain of back ache whilst in a Spanish café, as we got up to leave, she let out an almighty howl, silencing the café, just like a scene from the Rovers Return. She was hobbling around Malaga bent over and looking like a human question mark, oh, it was funny. Later on in the evening she started writhing on the bed in agony, clutching her neither regions and babbling of green fields. I called the medical emergency number and they told me to bring her down to the clinic, dressed in a white robe she looked like Iphigenia about to be sacrificed. The nurse took a water sample and it showed what we had suspected, kidney stones, the nurse gave me the cup to look at, (I took it gingerly and asked her if she had a chilled one) with all the racket Carmen was making I was expecting to see kidney stones the size of marbles, instead of what looked like grains of sand, all that fuss for that! An injection of pethidine in her arse cheek, some pain killing tablets and a course of antibiotics soon cured her moaning. Mitzi $350 poorer!

At around 7pm our cabin boy Custard from Goa would come into our room to turn down the beds and every night he would place a chocolate on our pillow. Wasn't that nice of him?

Day at sea
Cabin fever! Carmen still raving.

Cannes: Warm and sunny. Tender boats today. Spent an hour traipsing around Cannes on my own, it was during the film festival too, the place was heaving.

An unCanny resemblance to Bridlington! Taken from the balcony.

Civitavecchia: Cold and overcast. I phoned my mother, she said it was 80 degrees in the UK today! Trip to Rome cancelled due to Carmen selfish malady got full refund for both our trips. I took the shuttle into Civitavecchia, nice little seaside town, had a look at the shops, bought an ice-cream and sat on a bench. Feeling very sorry for myself. I dread going back to the ship to moaning Myrtle.

Livorno: Sunny. Trip to Florence/Pisa cancelled due to Carmen's ailment, although she says she's feeling a lot better today so we could have gone on the trip after all. Managed a little stroll into Livorno instead, nice market. I should never have worn my new loafers, I've got blisters on my ankles the size of dinner plates.

Genoa: Sunny. Blisters are throbbing had to wear flip-flops. Walk through the back streets of Genoa and you will see standing on every corner a prostitute offering her wares to all and sundry. Narrow winding alleyways lined with shops on both sides, but today is Sunday and all the shops are shut. Reminds me of Diagon Alley in the Harry Potter films, minus the prostitutes. A lovely Danny La Rue style drag queen called Diane Cousins is our entertainment tonight, I've seen her act before, she's quite good.

Day at sea
Sunbathing on deck, I wanted a sun bed with close proximity to the Americans so I could observe their strange ways from behind dark glasses. I wasn't disappointed. An American woman on the sun bed next to mine was reading her Kindle, she stopped reading, turned to her husband and asked him (Hank) what colour is heliotrope? He shook his head in the negative, then she turned and asked me if I knew, as if I'm the oracle of Delphi. I told her I didn't know, but the clue is sometimes in the name Helio/Helios in greek mythology is a sun god, so I reckon it'll be a deep yellow colour, then I asked her to read out the sentence to see if it fitted: "Susan lives in a heliotrope painted apartment" didn't give much away there, but we were both contented that Susan lived in a yellow painted apartment, until Carmen piped up and said it was purple. Only mad people and goths paint their apartments purple. Poor Carmen, she's still delirious from her ordeal.

Gibraltar: Sunny.

I called my mother to ask if she knew what colour heliotrope is. She also said it was purple. I visited the barbers for a tidy up and bought a china mug with 'Her Ladyship' written on it. Bobby Davro is tonight's entertainment, think I'll take a couple of Carmen's strong pain killers and have an early night.

Yet another frigging Day at sea. Overcast.
Ventriloquist act is performing in the theatre tonight, think I'll go and slit my throat.

Lisbon: Pissing down with rain. Very hilly, it seems a very popular place with lesbians for some strange reason. Lady pianist called Clare Maidin is performing for us tonight at the theatre. I've seen her performance before. I wonder if it'll be the same act.

2 miserable days at sea, it's too wet and cold to sunbathe.

Southampton hurrah!