Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Mushy Rhubarb Cloppers

There was a parcel left on my doorstep this morning, something wrapped up in newspaper, with a post it note attached saying it was from my neighbour Elsie. I wondered what it could be, the still beating heart of the women who lives at number 32, who once called dear old Elsie a 'nosy old bitch', a pig's head for Carmen or even a dead baby, I'm afraid I did let my fertile imagination run riot with me. I picked up the parcel and saw from the opening that it was rhubarb 16 stalks of it freshly picked from Elsie's garden.




Ingredients
3 sticks of rhubarb
Cup of honey
2 cups of oats
pinch of baking powder
Vanilla extract
Ground ginger and lavender flowers optional.

Wash and peel the Rhubarb, removing the outer skin of rhubarb can be rather therapeutic. Chop it up in chunks and place in a microwaveable bowl, drizzle with honey (or sugar) and microwave on high for 10 minutes, After 10 minutes, drain away any juices and puree it. If you're feeling that way inclined, you can add a pinch of ginger.

In a grinder, grind two cups of porridge oats into a flour I like to add mixed nuts with mine, but if you're feeling that way inclined, try adding lavender flowers to the dry ingredients .

Place flour and honey in a bowl, add two tablespoons of the pureed jollop with the the vanilla extract and stir until it forms a ball. Divide the mixture into 9 balls and place on a baking sheet, flatten each ball slightly and then using a wet spoon, form a well in the centre, you could use a wet finger, never dry though, as the mixture will stick to it.

Add a teaspoon of the rhubarb mixture to each Clopper and bake at 170°C or gas mark 3 for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Enjoy with a nice cup of coffee, pussy mug optional.




Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Fascinating Aida - Dogging

Dogging
[ ˈdɒgɪŋ ]
NOUN
The saucy behaviour of watching or engaging in exhibitionist sexual activity in a public place, usually late at night in a supermarket carpark or on the A1079 Beverley Road, between York and Hull, there is a layby approx 5 miles from Beverely on the York side, after the turn off for Cherry Burton. Its very concealed from the road and well hidden by trees etc. So I'm told.
 

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Bourbons and Ginger Nuts

 I visited York over the weekend, with my rusty maid of all work Carmen. I sent a text message to a friend who lives in the area asking if he wants to meet up at Monks Cross, I got a reply back saying he couldn't as he was waiting in for a delivery, but he insisted that we go over to his place for a cup of tea. It was only a brief visit. Once seated in his living quarters, he came in carrying three cups of tea on a tray with Bourbon and Ginger Nut biscuits arranged artistically on a side plate, his little Yorkshire Terrier Judy yapping expectantly at his heel, I suspected the biscuits were supermarket's own brand, simply because he called his dog Judy and not Judith, well never mind about that, at least he remembered the doily this time. I thought the tea had an odd astringent taste to it, I didn't like to say anything in case he was using cheap tea bags, when I got the chance, I asked Carmen if her tea tasted strange, she said it was fine. Anyway, I drank it out of politeness like you do, well, there was no nearby plant for me to tip into so I had no other choice, when my host left the room to go and answer the door, he left firm instructions not to feed her no matter how much she begs and pleads, as she is getting fat, not taking a blind bit of notice, I took a Ginger Nut, broke it in two and tossed it in the air. Carmen's teeth snapped together as she caught it in mid air. Poor Judy never stood a chance. As I was nearing the end of my cup of tea, thank goodness! I felt something touch my lips, I tilted the dregs and saw to my horror, a chunk of onion in the bottom of the cup. This would never have happened in Harrogate.




Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Krugerrands In The Attic

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.


But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.


Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”



By Philip Larkin 1922-1985


Isn't that a lovely sentiment? I'd like to see it depicted in a greetings card, it's a poem I used to recite to my parents when Crawford * our maid, had her half day off every other month to visit relatives, my sister and I would have to do the chores ourselves, albeit very badly. I would often get a slap across the head for using foul language, but not until after I'd finished it. I had such a nice elegant prose, you should hear my rendition of Eskimo Nell it'll bring a tear to a glass eye.


So, Mitzi where have you been all this time? I hear you ask. Bedlam, that's where! First, I would like to apologise over my long absence, it must have been so distressing for you all, especially with those internet rumours going round about the Queen's demise last week, I don't see what all the fuss was about myself, the woman is pushing 90. I'm drifting off course a bit here, it happens when you haven't had a proper holiday in 7 months, yes 7 months! I've been helping my mother move out of the family home and in to a luxury apartment in a retirement village for the over 55s with beautiful manicured communal gardens and afternoon bingo. I won't say which retirement village as she'll be inundated with autograph hunters and such likes.

Emptying the house wasn't an easy task, I'm still having nightmares about it and will for sometime. When I left home 20 years ago, I expected my parents to have turned my bedroom into a shrine by leaving everything just how I had left it all those years ago, but instead they had filled it floor to ceiling with... well, lets call it junk. It was the same in my sister's old room too and in the box room. No wonder my mother was reluctant to move. Just when we thought we had everything cleared, my mother took me to one side, out of my niece and Carmen's earshot and told me she wanted something bringing down from the attic, it was a biscuit tin hidden behind the water tank and it weighed a ton, I handed her the tin and without any prompting from me, she showed me the contents "FUCKING HELL!" they was no slap across the head this time just my mother's beaming face. I'm thinking about getting a blue plaque made for the old house saying "Bill Sikes and Nancy lived here". I would love to tell you more but I'm afraid I cannot.

She's only been at her new place five minutes and has already had firm words with the woman next door.







* Crawford was actually my maternal grandma who came to live with us after Grandad died. I've always been pretentious, even then!

Saturday, 28 March 2015

The Carpenters - Jambalaya



... and be gay-oh

Lesbian Haircuts

Short back and sides with a bit off the top.

Via Dyke Haircuts

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Brogan

I overheard a woman talking to her young daughter: 'No Brogan, it's not I threw it, it's I throweded it' oh how I laughed, fancy calling your child Brogan, this was in Morrison's café.


A picture of a Beyoncé lookalike, for your viewing pleasure.




Monday, 16 February 2015

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Sunday, 8 February 2015

The Misers, Morrison Gothic

I think it was Eleanor Rigby that said 'Do one thing every day that scares you'. With those words in mind we paid a visit to Morrison's cafe. Whilst my maid of all work Carmen was waiting patiently in the queue like the good little domestic servant that she is, I went in search of a seat, after taking my coat off and settling down, this was the scene that greeted me.
 

Two miserable looking pensioners, sat side by side of each other staring intensely at me with gimlet eyes, their sour faces could have curdled milk, perhaps their dog had just died or perhaps they were just stunned at my natural beauty, whatever the reason I was instantly reminded of a painting by Grant Wood called American Gothic, without the pitchfork, the woman seen hovering in the background could be the angel of death. Their meagre meal arrived he had a plate of chips and she had a battered cod and together they made a fish and chips dinner for two, for the price of one. Now there's a tip for you and here are some of mine. 


Supermarket tip: When buying pre packed bananas usually priced at 99p always take them out of the bag and let the till assistant weigh them instead, they're often much cheaper, I paid 58p for mine.


Supermarket tip: Save £££s When buying exotic fruits such as dragon fruit and medjool dates, simply use the self service check out and put them through as apples.


Supermarket tip: Slip a magazine of your choice inside the Sunday newspapers the girl at the till will just think it's a supplement and scan it as normal.


Supermarket tip: Home delivery. Having a post box inside a supermarket is a boon isn't it? The next time you are at the supermarket take along with you some stamped, self addressed envelopes, about the size of a dvd fill with expensive ink cartridges, pens or dvds and simply post them to yourself.



Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Timeless Masterpiece

I was invited to a friend's house for tea last night, whilst he was busy in the kitchen preparing the McCain oven chips and super noodles, I took the opportunity to look around the living quarters, dragging a forefinger along a table, testing for dust, like One does, I came across a sight that made me gasp and it wasn't the copious amount of grey dust covering my finger, It was this.





Crafted in a heritage style gold effect material and powered by a single AA battery, it whimsically captures in enchanting details, the seven wonders of the world (well, at least two), "But Mitzi dear, I can only count six wonders captured in finest quality polymer" I hear you say. Stand back and see the thing as a whole and you'll see the seventh wonder. I'm sure you'll agree it's almost certainly the single most beautiful piece of art created since the High Renaissance.

For pudding we had Jam roly-poly (Aunt Bessie's) with custard (Ambrosia), I've never eaten so much stodge in all my life.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Deirdre's Stuffed Marrow




"Chicken pie - We like to have it with peas and ready salted crisps."


Artery popping Corrie legend Deirdre Barlow/Anne Kirkbride has died aged 60. 

Friday, 16 January 2015

Desperately Seeking Camay


Camay Classic Toilet Soap has been discontinued. My Great Aunt Jemima is most upset about this, she has just used her very last bar of Camay and has threatened to stop washing herself as a protest until Camay is back on the shelves. It is a worry.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse

Mitzi is delighted to introduce her exciting new miracle cream Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen.

Does your face resemble a balloon two weeks after a party? Does your neck look like a jumper that's gone baggy in the wash? Would you like to have younger, firmer skin without resorting to murderously expensive cosmetic surgery? Of course you would, and well you can with Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse. It only cost pennies to make:

Ingredients
Any tub of moisture cream from Poundland
12g packet of Gelatin
drop of cochineal (optional) for that envious rosy glow look
A little or as much as you want of your favourite perfume (optional)




Mix gelatin in a cup with an inch or so of hot water stir until grains dissolve.

Pour Moisturising cream into a bowl and add gelatin mix well.

Next add the cochineal food colouring. Don't over do it with the cochineal, you only need a tiny drop otherwise you'll end up looking like a Victorian whore.

Add fragrance to the lotion, use the dregs of your favourite perfume.

Give it a good stir and pot up.

Say goodbye to your wrinkles with a rosy glow with Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen.
I thought I'd never look young again until I tried Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen. and now I look 60 years younger. I'm going to change my age officially by deed pole to 31.