Monday, 27 March 2017


Been to Tenerife for a well earned break. It's been a tonic to get away from it all and to feel some warm winter sun on my flanges once again. The flight took a staggering 5 and a half  hours, thanks to air traffic control strikes in France, I could have wept when the captain announced it over the tannoy, the journey normally takes 3hrs 50 mins and that's long enough.

Puerto de la Cruz where it's always 1978. This is one of my favourite spots in Puerto de la Cruz, Playa San Telmo See it live here . There is a couple of restaurants etched in the rocks just below of where I was standing, Restaurante Rustico, I once dined there many years ago and was surprised to see Norman Wisdom at the next table.

The black sand of Playa Jardin is a 25 minute walk from our hotel, if we couldn't be arsed to walk, we would take advantage of the free yellow land train situated right outside our hotel, it takes people to and from Loro Parque, from there it's just a five minute walk.

Click to enlarge the shoe museum.
When was the last time you saw a shoe display like this? On reflection, when was the last time you saw shoes like these? I'm quite fond of the red and white sling backs in the foreground.
Taken from the balcony.

Come in, the waters lovely. One day, when Carmen was making full use of her Grindr app, I packed my swim cap and comb and my paperback book and headed off alone to the Lago Martiánez and had a lovely time.

View from the balcony of  the snow capped Mount Teide, she usually blows her top every 100 years, the last time was in 1909 so she is long overdue an eruption, I was sat on the balcony looking at it with awe and willing it to erupt.

Agatha Christie came here for a holiday, wrote a book about The Mysterious Mr Quin and they erected a bust in her honour.  

One for the pot.

A cheeky snap I took of a couple of Dutch women from our hotel, gasp at the femininity, she was wearing white stockings.

Ottawan's new song (new to Tenerife) D.I.S.C.O.

Haute couture.
Live cam harbour wall, Puerto De La Cruz. I sent multiple text messages inviting family and friends to click on the live webcam where they could view the maid and I sitting topless on the harbour wall enjoying a 'cornet' as my old gran used to call them.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Crotch Rot

Not even a year old and already my Wrangler 32 R  have Crotch Blowout at the seam. Does this happen to you?

Washing Denim More Regularly – Washing your denim every few months will keep the fibres strong and clean. This will also help avoid the occurrence of blowouts and contrary to the belief of most, this will have minimal negative effects on your fades.

Every few months! Mine gets put in the wash after 2 days of wearing.

Can I tempt anyone to one of my homemade Jaffa Cakes?

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Books, DVDs and Crap

                           For your viewing pleasure. 

The King Charles spaniel in the frame is my gran's faithful old fanny licker, Queeny.

Friday, 10 February 2017

In These Shoes

A week or so ago I crammed my manly size 9s into a size 7 1/2 shoe and went traipsing around the shops in them for hours on end. Surprisingly no blister but I was horrified to discover I had developed a subungual hematoma aka a blackened nail and it's been giving me gyp ever since, there is only one thing for it. "Carmen, fetch the drill"

Suck it!

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Typhus Carmen

When Carmen developed  a rash on her legs, arms and body she put it down to having an allergic reaction to her new diabetes medication. However, blood tests have shown that my maid of all work has the early stages of Typhus a disease spread through the bites of lice and fleas, she's had it for at least 7 weeks which would tie in with our Benidorm holiday, thank goodness, I would hate anyone to think that I live in a rat infested midden. Typhus is very prevalent in Spain. Carmen is blaming a stray cat that was weaving in and around her legs at a pavement café, she was chatting away as normal (non frigging stop), when I noticed a look of terror on her face, pointing to her feet she told me in dramatic tones to 'get... rid... of' judging by her reaction I was expecting to see a snake down there instead of a fluffy white cat with rummy eyes. It's like living with Dame Edith Evans. 

Carmen was given an antibiotic injection this morning and was told the rash would start to clear away in a few days, she was also told/warned by her superior that Typhus is a forbidden topic in the Flange household and if anyone should ask about her rash she is to say it's shingles. In the meantime I'm having one of these fitted in the front garden disguised as a lily pond.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

First-Footer of 2017

Happy New Year!

Sadly my first footer of 2017 wasn't Bonnie Langford doing a funky 80s dance routine but Elsie from next door with a bottle of Amarula.

I remember watching this episode of  Emu's Pink Windmill when I was a child, it was around the 0:14 mark that my sister threw a slipper at the television screen. I wonder if the boys at 0:58 had a quick glimpse of Bonnie's 'Pink Windmill' during the dance routine.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Happy Christmas!

and a preposterous New Year! 

Friday, 23 December 2016

Minge Pies

Calories don't count on a Friday, so lets enjoy a deep filled festive Minge pie.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Council House Fayre With Kay

Check out the eggs at 3:51 and drool.

Kay from Sheffield doesn't have any worktops in her kitchen, but that doesn't stop her from making culinary delights, such as bacon and egg sandwiches, Chicken Tikka Masala (with chips) and my personal favourite chips and cheese, she does a great pan of chips. She even manages to prepare and cook a full Christmas dinner on top of her hob. If you've got a favourite meal you'd like Kay to prepare then send her a request in the YouTube comment box. I wonder how she's getting on with that croquembouche that I asked for.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016


It's been misty, murky, damp and drizzly here today, but I was cheered up by the sight of a Christmas card hanging out of my bristled slot this morning. Could it be a cheery father Christmas with his ruddy face, perhaps an olden day ice skater clutching her muff or a little Robin redbreast perched on a branch of holly, oh the excitement as I fumbled with the envelope. Imagine my disappointment when I opened it and was greeted by this scene so early in the morning. It was from Renata the old lass who lives opposite, wishing me a happy Christmas. I thought she liked me.

Forget Santa, sprouts and carol singers nothing truly says 'Christmas is here' like the sight of people in peril. Lifeboat Rescue by Robert Jobling (1841-1923)

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Kitten Fleeces

Before I make a trip to Bonny Street Market for mother's Christmas present, I want to know your views on kitten fleeces.

Thursday, 1 December 2016


I wanted a holiday filled with wonder, awe and excitement, I couldn't find one, so I went to Benidorm instead.
When travelling to foreign climes where mosquitos are rife, it is advisable to check under the rim of the toilet for mosquitos (a favourite lurking place of theirs). In one sitting alone I was bitten 3 times on my arse, with one bite just half an inch away from my nipsy, can you imagine that? The relief I got from sitting in a wicker chair, in a street café, gyrating my hips in a circular motion was that of pure ecstasy. I really went for it in the Ale-Hop shop and got stuck in with my hand for a good old scrat. When in Benidorm.

Some famous faces for you to marvel over.
Emily Bishop enjoying a fag and a pot of tea at the Belroy, the former Café de Paris.

Judi Dench showing off her tats and admiring a fine array of tat on display, she was a difficult one to photograph, too flighty.

Susan Boyle, enjoying a sedate plod around the old town.

A proper Spanish Costas song.

The Klaxons were a Belgian accordion based band who had a minor UK hit in 1983 with "The Clap Clap Sound", which reached number 45 in the charts.