Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Holiday Reading

That's the packing done. I'll be off then.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Teacup Etiquette

How to stir a cup of tea for 'The socially less fortunate'

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Because Using A Plate Would Be Weird

we want plates are crusading against restaurants that serve food on gimmicky tableware including: Squid served up in a sweaty clog, mushy peas in a shell, a fried breakfast in a sundae glass.

In a restaurant at Manchester airport a few months ago, I was served a 'garden burger' in a wooden seed tray with a terracotta plant pot of chips on the side, and if my memory serves me correctly the staff were wearing green dungarees. I was not amused.

One disgruntled commenter asked:

  1. Mary Berry
  2. Why does everything have to be served on a fucking roof tile?! What ever happened to a good old plate?! 

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Because You're Worth It

This woman accidentally used expanding foam instead of shampoo. Daft mare.

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Look What I've Won!

LX held a competition 'Xyvatba post' the first person to decipher the code won a box of chocolates. I was thrilled to bits when it arrived this morning along with four postcard and a bank note for a million dollars, I'll be taking that to the Bureau de Change first thing in the morning.

Oh my Gawd the chocolates taste bloody lovely, a bit like a Galaxy Ripple with added pecan nuts and toffee, can you imagine that? I made Carmen and my great aunt Alice try them first, you know, just to be on the safe side.

Thanks LX and Mago.

Since this picture was taken only 5 remain, my maid of all work Carmen has been at them like spit in hot fat.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Common Little Bitch!

1:15 -1:40 Love the audiences' reaction at the end. Ouuuuuuuu. I was saddened to hear about the death of super posh, misanthropic art critic Brian Sewell, who died over the weekend. Anyone who masturbated for Dali, smoked cannabis with Warhol and had slept with a 1000 men in one year deserves the title of National Treasure.

Monday, 21 September 2015

Fox's Sports Biscuits Hunt

I scoured the biscuit aisle of three different supermarkets over the weekend looking for Fox's Sports biscuits.
These biscuits bring back wonderful memories of staying with my grandparents as a child.
In the last supermarket, Asda. I asked a young menial who was stacking the shelves if he had any Sports biscuits, "I'll just go and av a look in back for yer" five minutes later he returned, as he was walking towards me, I noticed he was very well endowed in the trouser department, I could see it bobbing about with each stride. "what were they called again?" he asked. For a few seconds I'd forgotten myself what they were called, when my brain eventually caught up with my eyes I told him. A passer-by who had been listening, told me they haven't sold them in here for years and that I'd find 'em in Erons' if you're not familiar with Heron it's a Northern frozen food shop a bit like Iceland.

So off to Heron I went. Not only did they sell Sports biscuits there, they also sold Arrowroot biscuits 42p I was thrilled. No Lincolns though. I could see the sales assistant at the till looking me up and down through narrow eyes. "The coat is Tom Ford, love and you're right, I don't normally shop here, whilst mentally striking her on the back of the head with a bag of oven chips.

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Victory V

Yesterday, I decided to stop using food products containing Aspartame, which meant giving up my 15 year old addiction to nicotine lozenges. So now, when I feel a bit tetchy, I pop in a Victory V. Imagine my dismay when I read the list of ingredients, sadly, Victory V no longer contains chloroform and ether. I bet those meddling killjoys in Brussels had something to do with it.

Symptoms of  Aspartame poisoning

Monday, 14 September 2015

Carmen's Hysteria

When my maid of all work Carmen, closed her bedroom curtains last night this dropped on her head and went scurrying down her top. 

You should have heard the racket she made, I thought she was being raped and pillaged... well pillaged anyway. I had to do a thorough search of her room before she would go back in it.

Sunday, 6 September 2015

Flick-it !

I got into bed last night at about half twelve, switched on my tablet and settled myself down for a hearty game of AlphaBetty Saga, whilst waiting for the machine to kick in, I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the screen, etched upon my face was a look of utmost misery, my mouth was turned down and my eyes looked like mean slits, still hauntingly beautiful but very sullen not unlike Victoria Beckham. I had caught myself off guard, without posing and without craning my neck this way and that. I saw the real me. I was shocked.

'Cheer-up it might never happen'  I am no stranger to hearing those words from acquaintances. I am cheered up, it just doesn't show on my face much. Anyway, after the shock of last night, I decided I must make more of an effort to smile more, but it is such an effort, don't you agree? Anyway, to take the effort out of smiling, I've used a grey coloured kohl eyeliner pencil to make two very faint little flicks about 3mm in length and at 45 degree angles to each corner of my mouth, you can hardly see them but the effect is amazing. Even my maid of all work Carmen said I looked in 'fine fettle' this morning. (whatever that means)

A misery guts is what the onlooker sees but not always what the looked upon feels, so think on and look sharp the next time you say 'Cheer-up' to someone.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

I see that Judy Finnigan has let herself go again. Poor Richard.

Friday, 28 August 2015

The Worm That Turned

The date line is 2012. England is in the grip of a new regime of terror. Traditionally a land of brave heroes and great statesmen. Britain now laboured under the yoke of a power guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of all men. The country is being run by women...

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Tranny Watch

Audience member on today's The Wright Stuff.

A surgical knee support cut down and worn on the head will give your face an amazing lift, it will diminish that manly brow bridge to bring out the woman within, just like her's pictured in the foreground.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

50 Shades Of Brown

I was bitterly disappointed with the accent wall of our room at the Hilton Hotel, Blackpool.