Wednesday, 17 December 2014
Well, it's that special time of year again, getting gifts from family and friends is the most magical moment of the festive season. But what if you can't wait for Christmas day to find out what they have bought for you, let the Psychic Christmas Present Finder tell you in advance. Take the first word you see from each box et voila your precious token of their esteem for you shall be revealed. I'm getting a 'mildewy sweater' I hope thats a euphemism for a big cock. Carmen is getting an 'impressive spoon' not off me she isn't, I've already bought hers, 2 bars of carbolic soap from Poundland, she'll be thrilled.
Sunday, 14 December 2014
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
Friday, 28 November 2014
Whilst carrying two mugs of horlicks (the chocolate variety) I used my pert bottom to push the living room door open and this happened, as you can imagine the horlicks went everywhere. My maid of all work Carmen is scrubbing as I type, I'll give her five more minutes and then I'll tell her she's scrubbing away at a shadow caused by an ornament from a nearby table, she could do with the exercise.
Saturday, 15 November 2014
Thursday, 13 November 2014
We used to cover our school exercise books with wallpaper, what was that all about? I had the pleasure of adorning mine with fine gold flock in rich sumptuous threads of gold, hand crafted by Tibetan monks. I remember my mother saying "If teacher comments on it, tell her it cost 7 quid a roll" I knew exactly how much it cost as I was the one who was sent to the shop to get a refund on an unopened roll. Woe betide the child who had the wrong sort of wallpaper exempli gratia woodchip. Do people still do this? It all seems very fussy and twee nowadays, I suppose back then we were so easily pleased.
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Do you have a mean slit for a mouth? Do you dream of having a Parisian pout with fuller plumper lips without having to resort to murderously expensive collagen lip injections? Well, now you can with Mitzi's Lusty Lips.
|All you need for lusty lips is: 1 generous tablespoon of moisturizing cream, any will do, 1 scotch bonnet chili pepper,|
|Cut the stalk off the chili and discard, place chili in a jug along with the moisturising cream and whizz together until smooth, using a kitchen vibrator.|
Friday, 17 October 2014
Sunday, 5 October 2014
"The water in Majorca don't taste like wot it oughta."
Not to be confused with Menorca a mistake you only make once. Flying from Leeds airport on a wet and dismal Monday afternoon, 2hrs and 15 minutes later, we arrived at our destination, unsuitably dressed in jeans, shirt and a "pully" as my maid of all work Carmen likes to call jumpers, I felt like a sheep in heat. Palma was basking in an autumnal heatwave.
|A close up of the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma taken from the sixth floor of the Costa Azul hotel.|
|Palma at dusk|
After a week in Palma we headed off east of the island to a place called Cala D'or. We had intended to stay there for the remainder of the holiday but they wasn't much to do there and we both thought that the 5 star hotel looked a bit grim, so we packed up yet again and headed back to Palma.
|Set from Blithe Spirit?|
|Room with a view! (Not part of the hotel)|
|4 euros for a Mars Bar!|
|I had a bag of Maltesers and Carmen had the Mars bar 7 euros 50 centimes I sent Carmen out to the supermarket the next morning to replace them before the maid came.|
|Holiday reading: Tom Sharpe's The Throwback a book I found in the hotel lobby,The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson and Tuppence to Cross The Mersey by Helen Forrester a riches to rags story.|