Thursday, 15 March 2018

Mothering Sunday

I was unsure about what to buy m'maa for Mother's day so I put a scratch card inside a mother's day card, she looked aghast when she opened it and saw the scratch card, imagine Margo from the Good Life being presented with such a vulgar thing as a scratch card and you'll get the picture.

Picking it up with the tips of her thumb and forefinger as if it was a tramp's cock, she asked 'what am I suppose to do with this?' You're welcome mother!  She told me to shut the blinds in case a neighbour passing by should see her scratching it. She soon got to work, scraping away at the metallic ink with her nail, she was thrilled when a picture of a money bag was revealed and even more thrilled when she found another, clapping her hands together with joy, she won £50 in total and sent me off to the garage to cash it in, then silently mouthed at the door 'get me another one' so I did and she won a tenner, she told me to keep it. It got me thinking, I've often driven pass my mother's place and found her blind closed in the afternoon, it begs the question, what does she get up to in there?  She doesn't nap in the afternoon 'that's what old people do' I remember when I was about 12 I came home from school and noticed the kitchen blind had been pulled down, I walked in and found my mother topless, weighing her breasts on the kitchen scales and she has the nerve to call me eccentric.

Wednesday, 7 March 2018

Moaning Coffee

At café Gio, Yumbo Centre I asked the waiter, the one with the mincing gait for 'Dos cafe con leche, por favor'. When the coffee arrived 5 minutes later, it was served in an asymmetric cup, the handle didn't have a hole in it to put your fingers through, the waiter got no 'gracias' from me I can tell you. I just sat there glaring at it, wanting to smash it to bits and grind the broken pieces into the waiter's hand. It was nice coffee though.

Sunday, 18 February 2018

Back Soon!

I'm going to the dogs, the "Islands of the Dogs" (canarias) where everyday is circa 1972.

Warning: At 1:00 contains excessive tambourine abuse some viewers may find offensive.

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Happy Christmas

         and a preposterous New Year!

Tuesday, 19 December 2017

This Time Last Week - Benidorm

                   Soaking up a little culture in Benidorm.
Carona Del Mar. Room with a cemetery view.

Our last day. If I wanted weather like this I would have stayed at home.
The rain in Spain. Sat at a pavement café watching the natives pass by, despite the rain it was about 20ºC and they're dressed for a polar expedition. Opposite our table is a delightful luxury boutique from Benidorm's most renowned designers called Coral.

Shall we have a quick browse inside Coral see what's on offer?

Monday, 18 December 2017

Alice's Christmas Present

My great aunt Alice dropped her Waterford crystal vase on the stone flags a few weeks ago it smashed to bits. When I asked her what she would like for Christmas, she said she would like a new vase, at 93 I begrudge buying her anything new, so I was just wondering, could this old toilet brush holder that's been kept under my kitchen sink for years, pass for a vase?

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Oh Oh Figaro

If you have had sleepless nights wondering what happened to 1970s pop group Brotherhood of Man (I know I have) then fret no more, they're here in Benidorm performing at the Benidorm Palace alongside Mud (Mud II for legal reasons).

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Monday, 27 November 2017


It's not just abysmal, it's M&S Abysmal. I passed this frumpy display in Marks and Spencer today and just had to take a picture of it for your viewing pleasure. Would you go out looking like this? I thought not. No wonder clothes sales are falling and stores are closing left right and centre if this is the best they have to offer, even the pensioners in there were curling their lips at the clothes."But Mitzi, what is a vibrant young thing like yourself doing shopping at Marks' "I hear you ask. I was making my way down to the food hall, the only thing M&S excels at is selling it's over priced food. It's a shame to say it but bye-bye Marks and Spencer your day is done.


Sunday, 26 November 2017

Sleeping on The Job

Funniest thing I've seen all week.

Thursday, 23 November 2017


I was recently asked by a good friend of mine if I want to be buried or cremated when I pop my clogs. I told him neither and nor do I want to be dipped into liquid nitrogen and vibrated to dust thank you very much. I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want is to be petrified at the petrifying well at Knaresborough in Yorkshire. I would make an attractive garden ornament, clad in a white Grecian gown and sculptured by mother nature herself, my final resting place will be in the border of a country cottage garden standing amidst a wild rose bush and back lit surrounded by a manicured lawn. I paused to reflect... Beautiful. I turned to my friend and asked him what he wanted when he snuffed it, he didn't answer, he kept on staring at me with a knitted brow, his mouth agape as if to say you're not altogether plumb, are you?

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

Wednesday, 20 September 2017