Friday, 15 November 2019

Ohhh Marina

RIP Jean Fergusson

Monday, 21 October 2019

More Carry-on Cruising

Washing hanging out to dry in Naples, what a dump. If that was hanging on a line in England, social services would be round in a jiffy to take your kids off you.

Sat in a busy cafĂ© in Livorno, Carmen decided she needed to spend a penny (euphemism for the toilet) she came back a few minutes later with a look of sheer joy on her face, she told me about the toilets and how beautiful they were, "Through that door there" she said gesturing the direction with her head" you enter an open air courtyard full of terracotta pots filled with lavender, their scent will take your breath away, a wisteria vine clings onto a pergola, green marble sink units and gold taps..." say no more Carmen, I could feel the tortoise rousing his curious head (a euphemism for touching cloth) I got up and headed to the door  "Take your phone with you, you might want to take a picture." Was it my imagination, did I see a glint of devilry on Carmen's face. I walked through the door and this is what greeted me and the sound of Carmen's cackling laughter as the door closed behind me.





Too exhausted to join in even though they were playing my song, Sexy and I know it.
That's more like it. Sun loungers with retractable foreskins.

Saturday, 19 October 2019

Check Your Flour

It was my maid of all work Carmen that found me slumped upon the kitchen floor, ashen-faced and babbling about lice. "Zut alors! Qu'est-ce qu'll y a meine herrin?" she said as she came to my rescue, she normally speaks English, but her recent DNA ancestry results revealed that she is 20% French, 5% German and 75 % Neanderthal and has a strong leaning towards the histrionics. I focused my eyes on Carmen's chatelaine as she fumbled for the hartshorn, but in her haste she wafted a bottle jungle juice poppers under my nose instead, that nearly finished me off, my head started to pulsate, it felt like a man with fat fingers was forcing sausage meat behind my eyes, the reason for my swoon, I shall tell you, I had found tiny minute insects inside a new bag of flour, on further inspection, so small they can barely be seen with the naked eye were maggots!

Cooties in my flour.
I have been reassured that they are not from my spotlessly clean cupboard and that the eggs were from the wheat that have survived the milling process. 

How to get rid of flour mites here

Thursday, 17 October 2019

Holiday Chic

                                            Italy vs Britain

                                  Who does it better?

Carry-on Cruising


The Celebrity Reflection docked in Gibraltar

Forgive my tardiness for leaving you all in suspenders about my debilitating medical condition. I've only got myself to blame I should have broken them in first or better still got my maid of all work Carmen to break them in for me. Two days traipsing around Barcelona and Sitges crammed into a new pair of slip-on shoes a size too small, was just asking for trouble. I've had blisters before but never this angry, the swelling made it look like I had the foot of a morbidly obese person. It was too painful to wear the other footwear I had. I sent the maid off to a shoe shop with 30 euros to buy a pair of flip-flops, I told her to buy black leather ones only, she came back with white rubber ones... the contrary mare. So that is how I boarded the Celebrity Reflection in a pair of white rubber flip-flops.



Thursday, 10 October 2019

One Night In Bradfordistan

Overnight stay at the Premier Inn, Leeds/Bradford airport. We have stayed here once before, there isn't a lift at this hotel but that didn't matter, because my shameless maid of all work Carmen, without my knowledge booked a disabled twin room, there are situated on the ground floor so she didn't have to traipse up and down the stairs with the luggage. A bit of hard work never hurt anybody, I often tell the lazy cow but she is not convinced. The first thing I noticed when I walked into the room was how low the beds were, like futons and how everything was at waist level, I had to stoop to wash my hands, stoop to make a cup of tea, the window didn't open,  God knows why the toilet had to be so high though, my feet barely touched the floor and I'm 5' 10" a proper sit up and beg. It was the best night's sleep I have had in ages. Little did I know in Barcelona I was about to find out what it's really like to have a disability... 

S&M torture chamber


Saturday, 5 October 2019

The Wanderer Returns

I really need another holiday, the one I've just had has left my nerves in tatters. 

Tuesday, 3 September 2019

Typhoo - Su Pollard & Donkeys



Su Pollard drinks shroom tea on the beach.

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

Occasional Carmen Table

A welcome addition to any home.

Monday, 15 July 2019

How Much?

                                                      Click to enlarge      
Photo taken in WHSmith at the Wetherby motorway services. 

                          The dirty, evil, robbing bastards!

Thursday, 11 July 2019

Flange

Not a map exactly, it's a fly-by image of Flange taken by Mariner 10 and it's the planet I hail from. It's 800 light years away from Earth in the northern constellation of Quim. Amazingly Flange has got three moons Avon, Betterware and Ringtons and they are all shaped like baked potatoes. If it wasn't so difficult to get to, Flange would make an ideal holiday destination with it's lovely pink beaches with mild temperatures of 270°C from March to October. Spend a day catching crabs amongst the white chrysotile rocks or take a dip in the sea that rivals the waters of san antonio de los cobres, argentina, Earth. 'Come on in, the water's lovely'. However, the lack of oxygen in the Flangian atmosphere could spoil moonbathing somewhat.


Acrylic pouring for beginners here



Tuesday, 9 July 2019

Stuffed Prunes

Mouth watering, aren't they?

In a mixing bowl put: 
1 scoop of vanilla protein powder
1 teaspoon of peanut butter
1 teaspoon of ground almonds
and enough honey to form a dough.
Form dough into balls, split prunes in half and stuff.

If you don't like prunes you can use dates instead.

Monday, 17 June 2019

Back Soon

I took the car out for a little spin the other day, on my way home a small deer came bustling out of someone's front garden and leapt straight onto the road and onto my bonnet damaging both the bonnet and the front parking sensor. It did go with a thud, followed by this awful wailing sound, the shock of it all made me forget I was driving an automatic and I used both my feet to stop the car, I nearly went through the windscreen, the screeching of the tyres brought everyone to their windows, a man came out tapped on my window and asked if I was 'alright mate' then he disappeared inside and came back out with 2 black bin bags and together we disposed of the deer, the man carried the deer on his shoulder he turned to me and said quite cheerly 'waste not, want not' then slapped the beast's rump. This happened in Beeford, twinned with Royston Vasey.






Sod this bastard weather, I'm off on holiday. I'll leave you with this raucaus little number. 

Tuesday, 11 June 2019

Free Inside...

this months Digital Camera magazine, an anal douche bulb. Alright Mr Demille, I'm ready for my close-up.


Sunday, 9 June 2019

Queen



No family is safe when I sashay.

This is the 10th most played song on Mitzi's iTunes with a play count of 48. The rest, as follows:

1 Life on Mars - David Bowie 74
2 Point of View - DB Boulevard 72
3 Mother of Pearl - Roxy Music 67
4 Fire - Kasabian 66
5 Nobody's Side - Elaine Paige 63
6 Everything Now - Arcade Fire 57
7 Amateur Hour - Sparks 56
8 Tonight We Fly - The Divine Comedy 52
9 Monument - Royksopp 52
10 Queen - Perfume Genius 48

Am I the only person in the world who still uses an ipod?