Monday, 15 September 2014

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Voyeur Of The Week

Girl fingers her lesbian lover whilst the lovely Julie Andrews looks on.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Marianne Faithfull - Sparrows Will Sing

Marianne Faithfull the ultimate hell raiser, is back with a new album, Give My Love To London (sponsored by Mars). It always amazes me when those debauched types are interviewed and they can remember with such clarity word for word conversations of past events and yet they claim their lives has been spent in a drug and alcohol stupor. I had a couple of shandys at a pub in Blackpool over the weekend and I can't even remember the name of the hotel we stayed at. That's Blackpool for you.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

RIP Kenny Ireland

As Benidorm's Donald with his "accommodating" wife Jacqueline.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Music To Sunbathe To

I was just a twinkle in my daddy's eye when this song came out. It was one of my mother's favourites and still is. I have fond memories of being about 3 years old sitting on my mother's lap, we'd be singing along together with the cassette tape, sometimes she would let me take over the steering whilst she lit a ciggy. Halcyon days! Hasn't the weather been gorgeous? Just like the long hot summers of yore. The Retsina is chilling, so grab a face reflector and pull up a deck chair it's Soley-Soley time.

Friday, 25 July 2014

Lady Muck

Just look at the haughtiness expressed on the Lady in Waiting's face. Who does she think she is? She has delusions of grandeur, she thinks she is the queen herself, well you're not love, you're just a peasant like the rest of us. The next time you're out and about leave the imitation pearl choker in your tiny bedsit and wear your best Primark drip-dry clobber and wake up to reality, you're just a lacky! Oh and your seat is the one next to the bogs.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Sunday, 13 July 2014

First Impressions

I forgot to mention that yesterday was my maid of all work's birthday, she's 48 though I must say, she doesn't look it, she looks much older and could easily pass for 60. 

When Carmen's crown came out she stuck it back in with superglue and it stayed put for over 6 years that is until recently when she was sat guzzling a box of toffee poppets with such fevour that she didn't even notice when her cheap acrylic crown had come out and that she had swallowed it.

After many visits to the dentist, and many £££s out of my facelift fund, she was eventually fitted with a new bespoke porcelain crown and as a bonus the dentist had given the impressions he made of her teeth to take home and dispose off. Instead of throwing them away, I thought I would make a feature of them without her knowledge. I sanded the rough edges down, gave them a coat of white emulsion, then stained them with a used teabag and baked them in the oven for half an hour, then once cooled I gave them a coat of furniture wax and they look amazingly like ivory and just the effect I was after. I can't say she looked thrilled when I presented them to her as a birthday present, in fact she looked at me as if I wasn't altogether plumb. The ungrateful bitch!

Wednesday, 25 June 2014


A gentleman caller gave me this beautiful cactus plant over two years ago, it's clump forming with flattish segments it looks a bit like root ginger from certain angles, it was in flower when he gave it to me and it's been in flower ever since. I've been scouring the Gardener's Encyclopedia of Plants & Flowers and the internet looking for it's name, but sadly no joy.

I see from the picture that Carmen has forget to pick up her wages!

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Shop Assistants

Do you remember not so long ago when a Swiss shop assistant refused to sell Oprah Winfrey a handbag? Well, a similar thing happened to me last year at the El Cortes Ingles department store in Santa Cruz, Tenerife. I was in menswear, admiring their fine array of V neck jumpers, I picked one I liked in charcoal grey. I was just checking the label for size and making sure that it wasn't made in China, when a hand belonging to the most snootiest looking shop assistant I've ever seen snatched the jumper from my grasp, folded it up and then placed it back on the shelf. As I reached for another jumper she wagged her finger under my nose saying "ah! ah!" and showed me the 90 euro price tag! After a few choice words to the "Shop Girl!" I left the store feeling a bit like Edna The Inebriate Woman. I'm sure Oprah must have felt that way too.

Sunday, 15 June 2014