Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Deirdre's Stuffed Marrow

"Chicken pie - We like to have it with peas and ready salted crisps."

Artery popping Corrie legend Deirdre Barlow/Anne Kirkbride has died aged 60. 

Friday, 16 January 2015

Desperately Seeking Camay

Camay Classic Toilet Soap has been discontinued. My Great Aunt Jemima is most upset about this, she has just used her very last bar of Camay and has threatened to stop washing herself as a protest until Camay is back on the shelves. It is a worry.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse

Mitzi is delighted to introduce her exciting new miracle cream Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen.

Does your face resemble a balloon two weeks after a party? Does your neck look like a jumper that's gone baggy in the wash? Would you like to have younger, firmer skin without resorting to murderously expensive cosmetic surgery? Of course you would, and well you can with Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse. It only cost pennies to make:

Any tub of moisture cream from Poundland
12g packet of Gelatin
drop of cochineal (optional) for that envious rosy glow look
A little or as much as you want of your favourite perfume (optional)

Mix gelatin in a cup with an inch or so of hot water stir until grains dissolve.

Pour Moisturising cream into a bowl and add gelatin mix well.

Next add the cochineal food colouring. Don't over do it with the cochineal, you only need a tiny drop otherwise you'll end up looking like a Victorian whore.

Add fragrance to the lotion, use the dregs of your favourite perfume.

Give it a good stir and pot up.

Say goodbye to your wrinkles with a rosy glow with Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen.
I thought I'd never look young again until I tried Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen. and now I look 60 years younger. I'm going to change my age officially by deed pole to 31.

Saturday, 3 January 2015

For Ayem8y

Happy New Year Ayem8y all the best for 2015!

Thanks to Ayem8y we can remind ourselves once again of the lovely Michelle, isn't she a gem? We can always do with a little feminine mystique in our lives as opposed to my maid of all work Carmen, who is more feminine mistake than mystique, but she does makes great chips.

Take it away Michelle.

To be played simultaneously . It's best to turn the above video's sound off.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Christmas Past

Well, that's another one over with. I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, with lots to eat, drink and presents, talking of presents...

My maid of all work Carmen was absolutely thrilled to receive a Christmas present from me this year, it was a double pack of carbolic soap from Poundland she looked down at the gift that I held in my hand and with tears filling her eyes, she said, in a quivering little voice "A present... for me?" Yes Carmen, a present for you.  "you've spent a whole pound on...me?" Yes Carmen I did, you deserve every shilling. I gave her the receipt in case she wants to take them back to the shop in exchange for some other luxury. When she finally stopped sobbing, it was my turn, I held out my hands a foot width apart and closed my eyes, a small package was then placed in my left hand, trying hard not to let the disappointment show on my face, I opened my eyes and saw a small box wrapped in expensive looking paper. I eagerly ripped off the paper using nails and teeth and I was rewarded with a very small bottle of aftershave 50ml if you please! I didn't say anything but I was thinking it! The greedy bitch. Later on in the day I was going to surprise her with yet another little opener, a couple of satsumas from out the fruit bowl,

but I thought better of it, after the miserable disappointment I had in her gift, so I ate them myself. She knew I wanted a pair of slippers, the fluffy mules with the pink marabou trim I sometimes wear to greet the postman are looking a bit worse for wear, so I thought I'll go a bit butch with these. Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to buy them for myself.

Thursday, 25 December 2014

Create Your Own Festive Music

Turn ordinary everyday songs into festive Christmas songs with the sleigh bells sound effect.

To be played at the same time.

Adjust volume if necessary.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Mein Doppelgänger

I often get stopped on the street by complete strangers, telling me how much of a dead ringer I am for a young Deborah Harry. It can be a bit of an embarrassment sometimes, especially when there's half a dozen or more camera phones pointed in my direction when I'm stood in the queue at Aldi's clutching bottles of Ballycastle Irish country cream and cheap gin. 

I can't see any resemblance to her at all. What do you think?

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Season's Greetings From Rita

I received a card this morning from Rita.

After a few moments of thought, I asked myself, who the frig is Rita?

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Psychic Christmas Present Finder

Well, it's that special time of year again, getting gifts from family and friends is the most magical moment of the festive season. But what if you can't wait for Christmas day to find out what they have bought for you, let the Psychic Christmas Present Finder tell you in advance. Take the first word you see from each box et voila your precious token of their esteem for you shall be revealed. I'm getting a 'mildewy sweater' I hope thats a euphemism for a big cock. Carmen is getting an 'impressive spoon' not off me she isn't, I've already bought hers, 2 bars of carbolic soap from Poundland, she'll be thrilled.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Lauren Harries - I am a Woman

No it's true! Here is Lauren Harries debut single

My ears, my poor delicate ears.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Pamper Your Mimsy With Lux

Woes of the Well-Orf

Middle class people have problems too. You don't  have to sign up for twitter to view, just click the X top right corner of the pop-up to take it orf.

Read about one family's 'desperate' search for a second pony here.

Friday, 5 December 2014

Granny's Dildo

When my grandma died and we were sifting through all her things. I came across this curious object.

It was nestled inside a bedside drawer full of miscellaneous items. I held the thing aloft and asked what's this?  My mother stopped counting the bank notes that had been stashed under the mattress, looked up and said it's was a butter patter, my sister looked up from inspecting the contents of a jewellery box, cackled with laughter and exclaimed it was a dildo, being a young naïve slip of a thing, I asked, what's a dildo? "You shove it up your fanny" came my sister's coarse reply. I was going to ask why, but the men from the black ambulance had entered the room to pick up grandma, so I left it at that.

It was years later, whilst watching an episode of Bargain Hunt with the lovely Tim Wannacott. A contestant on there had picked up the same thing, only in marble, the antiques expert explained what it was used for. It's a darning mushroom for repairing worn out socks.