Thursday, 24 May 2018

Back Soon

I've packed my bags, I've cleaned the floor, watch me walking, walking out the door. The Eurythmics - Would I Lie To You

Does anyone else clean their house from top to bottom before going away on holiday?

My maid of all work Carmen getting into the holiday mood with a banana.


Mitzi of the Lamp

For your viewing pleasure. Tat or treasure?


Great Aunt Alice's table lamp has me in fits and to think one day that will be all mine.

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Only at M&S

Are you gonna bingo?
Here's a picture of my mother doing what she enjoys the most, taking stuff back to M&S for a refund/exchange. 

I got caught in a sudden downpour today, dripping I was... dripping! "Aargh" exclaimed I as I misjudged the depth of a puddle and plunged in ankle deep, feet sodden. Oh, to be in Benidorm right now.

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Saturday, 31 March 2018

"What Is Clocks?"



Cunk on Britain Tuesday, 10pm, BBC Two.

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

Gripe of the Day



I was stuck behind a car who was stuck behind a cyclist who insisted on riding in the middle the road for over a mile, the car in front couldn't overtake  because of the  steady stream of traffic coming from the other direction but what really boiled my piss was seeing a cycle path just feet away. 

I clicked on this link for New Chic by mistake. I was appalled by the wares on offer. If anyone is struggling with a definition for 'oxymoron', I think New Chic just might do it.

Now I know where Camila Batmanghelidjh gets her shoes from.

Monday, 19 March 2018

Bargain

In my branch of HSBC there is a quaint custom of raising money for charity. Inside there is a trestle table set-up and loaded with books, jigsaws and DVDs with a charity collection box for The Alzheimer's Society, take what you want and leave a donation it was the best 4p I've ever spent. They were collecting for the Alzheimer's Society and it was the best 4p I've ever spent. That's my mother's birthday present sorted. I'm feeling a bit guilty now, perhaps I should have given them 5p. Anyway, that's my mother's birthday present sorted.


Thursday, 15 March 2018

Mothering Sunday

I was unsure about what to buy m'maa for Mother's day so I put a scratch card inside a mother's day card, she looked aghast when she opened it and saw the scratch card, imagine Margo from the Good Life being presented with such a vulgar thing as a scratch card and you'll get the picture.



Picking it up with the tips of her thumb and forefinger as if it was a tramp's cock, she asked 'what am I suppose to do with this?' You're welcome mother!  She told me to shut the blinds in case a neighbour passing by should see her scratching it. She soon got to work, scraping away at the metallic ink with her nail, she was thrilled when a picture of a money bag was revealed and even more thrilled when she found another, clapping her hands together with joy, she won £50 in total and sent me off to the garage to cash it in, then silently mouthed at the door 'get me another one' so I did and she won a tenner, she told me to keep it. It got me thinking, I've often driven pass my mother's place and found her blind closed in the afternoon, it begs the question, what does she get up to in there?  She doesn't nap in the afternoon 'that's what old people do' I remember when I was about 12 I came home from school and noticed the kitchen blind had been pulled down, I walked in and found my mother topless, weighing her breasts on the kitchen scales and she has the nerve to call me eccentric.


Wednesday, 7 March 2018

Moaning Coffee

At café Gio, Yumbo Centre I asked the waiter, the one with the mincing gait for 'Dos cafe con leche, por favor'. When the coffee arrived 5 minutes later, it was served in an asymmetric cup, the handle didn't have a hole in it to put your fingers through, the waiter got no 'gracias' from me I can tell you. I just sat there glaring at it, wanting to smash it to bits and grind the broken pieces into the waiter's hand. It was nice coffee though.

Sunday, 18 February 2018

Back Soon!

I'm going to the dogs, the "Islands of the Dogs" (canarias) where everyday is circa 1972.



Warning: At 1:00 contains excessive tambourine some viewers may find offensive.

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Happy Christmas

         and a preposterous New Year!



Tuesday, 19 December 2017

This Time Last Week - Benidorm

                   Soaking up a little culture in Benidorm.
Carona Del Mar. Room with a cemetery view.

Our last day. If I wanted weather like this I would have stayed at home.
The rain in Spain. Sat at a pavement café watching the natives pass by, despite the rain it was about 20ºC and they're dressed for a polar expedition. Opposite our table is a delightful luxury boutique from Benidorm's most renowned designers called Coral.


Shall we have a quick browse inside Coral see what's on offer?







Monday, 18 December 2017

Alice's Christmas Present

My great aunt Alice dropped her Waterford crystal vase on the stone flags a few weeks ago it smashed to bits. When I asked her what she would like for Christmas, she said she would like a new vase, at 93 I begrudge buying her anything new, so I was just wondering, could this old toilet brush holder that's been kept under my kitchen sink for years, pass for a vase?



Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Oh Oh Figaro

If you have had sleepless nights wondering what happened to 1970s pop group Brotherhood of Man (I know I have) then fret no more, they're here in Benidorm performing at the Benidorm Palace alongside Mud (Mud II for legal reasons).