Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Psychic Christmas Present Finder

Well, it's that special time of year again, getting gifts from family and friends is the most magical moment of the festive season. But what if you can't wait for Christmas day to find out what they have bought for you, let the Psychic Christmas Present Finder tell you in advance. Take the first word you see from each box et voila your precious token of their esteem for you shall be revealed. I'm getting a 'mildewy sweater' I hope thats a euphemism for a big cock. Carmen is getting an 'impressive spoon' not off me she isn't, I've already bought hers, 2 bars of carbolic soap from Poundland, she'll be thrilled.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Lauren Harries - I am a Woman

No it's true! Here is Lauren Harries debut single

My ears, my poor delicate ears.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Pamper Your Mimsy With Lux

Woes of the Well-Orf

Middle class people have problems too. You don't  have to sign up for twitter to view, just click the X top right corner of the pop-up to take it orf.

Read about one family's 'desperate' search for a second pony here.

Friday, 5 December 2014

Granny's Dildo

When my grandma died and we were sifting through all her things. I came across this curious object.

It was nestled inside a bedside drawer full of miscellaneous items. I held the thing aloft and asked what's this?  My mother stopped counting the bank notes that had been stashed under the mattress, looked up and said it's was a butter patter, my sister looked up from inspecting the contents of a jewellery box, cackled with laughter and exclaimed it was a dildo, being a young na├»ve slip of a thing, I asked, what's a dildo? "You shove it up your fanny" came my sister's coarse reply. I was going to ask why, but the men from the black ambulance had entered the room to pick up grandma, so I left it at that.

It was years later, whilst watching an episode of Bargain Hunt with the lovely Tim Wannacott. A contestant on there had picked up the same thing, only in marble, the antiques expert explained what it was used for. It's a darning mushroom for repairing worn out socks.

Friday, 28 November 2014

Horlicks And Night Time Scrubbing

Whilst carrying two mugs of horlicks (the chocolate variety) I used my pert bottom to push the living room door open and this happened, as you can imagine the horlicks went everywhere. My maid of all work Carmen is scrubbing as I type, I'll give her five more minutes and then I'll tell her she's scrubbing away at a shadow caused by an ornament from a nearby table, she could do with the exercise.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Back Soon!

As you wait with bated breath for my return, here's a nice picture of a doorknob.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Remember when...

We used to cover our school exercise books with wallpaper, what was that all about? I had the pleasure of adorning mine with fine gold flock in rich sumptuous threads of gold, hand crafted by Tibetan monks. I remember my mother saying "If teacher comments on it, tell her it cost 7 quid a roll" I knew exactly how much it cost as I was the one who was sent to the shop to get a refund on an unopened roll. Woe betide the child who had the wrong sort of wallpaper exempli gratia woodchip. Do people still do this? It all seems very fussy and twee nowadays, I suppose back then we were so easily pleased.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Mitzi's Lusty Lips

Do you have a mean slit for a mouth?  Do you dream of having a Parisian pout with fuller plumper lips without having to resort to murderously expensive collagen lip injections? Well, now you can with Mitzi's Lusty Lips.

All you need for lusty lips is: 1 generous tablespoon of moisturizing cream, any will do, 1 scotch bonnet chili pepper,

Cut the stalk off the chili and discard, place chili in a jug along with the moisturising cream  and whizz together until smooth, using a kitchen vibrator.
Find a suitable container with a lid to store it in, the above picture is not a suitable storage container, it's a yoghurt pot but it the best that I could find. Apply to the lips and see what happens. Expect a mild stinging sensation, this will wear off after 10 minutes, the plump effect can last up to 2 hours, apply when necessary. NB Do not be tempted to use this product as an emergency lube for anal sex!



Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Forever Autumn

I really love this time of year.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Mouldy Old Dough - Lieutenant Pigeon

See the woman wearing the pink dress at 2:08? when I was about 7 my big sister used to tong my hair under just like that and then we'd go out shopping together. You couldn't make it up!

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Palma Majorca

"The water in Majorca don't taste like wot it oughta." 

Not to be confused with Menorca a mistake you only make once. Flying from Leeds airport on a wet and dismal Monday afternoon, 2hrs and 15 minutes later, we arrived at our destination, unsuitably dressed in jeans, shirt and a "pully" as my maid of all work Carmen likes to call jumpers, I felt like a sheep in heat. Palma was basking in an autumnal heatwave.

A close up of the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma taken from the sixth floor of the Costa Azul hotel.

Palma at dusk

                             Cala D'or
Melia Hotel

 After a week in Palma we headed off east of the island to a place called Cala D'or. We had intended to stay there for the remainder of the holiday but they wasn't much to do there and we both thought that the 5 star hotel looked a bit grim, so we packed up yet again and headed back to Palma.

My bed was the one on the left, I know, I didn't like the proximity to Carmen either as she has a tendency to break wind in her sleep hence her bed is the one next to the window. That reminds me, I tried truffle for the first time, not the chocolate variety, the fungus, in an omelette at a restaurant, I took one bite and chewed, I chewed a bit more all the while my mouth felt as it was filling up with obnoxious gas, vapours were coming out of my nose, it was like a fat man on an onion soup diet had broken wind into my mouth, can you imagine that? Vile to say the least. Somewhere in the dark recesses of our minds some primeval instinct sends a message to the brain telling us not to swallow as it could be poisonous, I couldn't swallow it, which is unusual for me. I dashed to the lav with a mouthful of mush. Back at my seat, I gave the offending omelette to Carmen she devoured it with gusto saying it was like eating an orgasm. Dirty bitch! 
Set from Blithe Spirit?
Room with a view! (Not part of the hotel)

4 euros for a Mars Bar!
I had a bag of Maltesers and Carmen had the Mars bar 7 euros 50 centimes I sent Carmen out to the supermarket the next morning to replace them before the maid came.

Holiday reading: Tom Sharpe's The Throwback a book I found in the hotel lobby,The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson and Tuppence to Cross The Mersey  by Helen Forrester a riches to rags story.