Friday, 17 October 2014

Mouldy Old Dough - Lieutenant Pigeon

See the woman wearing the pink dress at 2:08? when I was about 7 my big sister used to tong my hair under just like that and then we'd go out shopping together. You couldn't make it up!

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Palma Majorca

"The water in Majorca don't taste like wot it oughta." 

Not to be confused with Menorca a mistake you only make once. Flying from Leeds airport on a wet and dismal Monday afternoon, 2hrs and 15 minutes later, we arrived at our destination, unsuitably dressed in jeans, shirt and a "pully" as my maid of all work Carmen likes to call jumpers, I felt like a sheep in heat. Palma was basking in an autumnal heatwave.

A close up of the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma taken from the sixth floor of the Costa Azul hotel.

Palma at dusk

                             Cala D'or
Melia Hotel

 After a week in Palma we headed off east of the island to a place called Cala D'or. We had intended to stay there for the remainder of the holiday but they wasn't much to do there and we both thought that the 5 star hotel looked a bit grim, so we packed up yet again and headed back to Palma.

My bed was the one on the left, I know, I didn't like the close proximity to Carmen either as she has a tendency to break wind in her sleep hence her bed is the one next to the window. That reminds me, I tried truffle for the first time, not the chocolate variety, the fungus, in an omelette at a restaurant, I took one bite and chewed, I chewed a bit more all the while my mouth felt as it was filling up with obnoxious gas, vapours were coming out of my nose, it was like a fat man on an onion soup diet had broken wind into my mouth, can you imagine that? Vile to say the least. Somewhere in the dark recesses of our minds some primeval instinct sends a message to the brain telling us not to swallow as it could be poisonous, I couldn't swallow it, which is unusual for me. I dashed to the lav with a mouthful of mush. Back at my seat, I gave the offending omelette to Carmen she devoured it with gusto saying it was like eating an orgasm. Dirty bitch! 
Set from Blithe Spirit?
Room with a view! (Not part of the hotel)

4 euros for a Mars Bar!
I had a bag of Maltesers and Carmen had the Mars bar 7 euros 50 centimes I sent Carmen out to the supermarket the next morning to replace them before the maid came.

Holiday reading: Tom Sharpe's The Throwback a book I found in the hotel lobby,The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson and Tuppence to Cross The Mersey  by Helen Forrester a riches to rags story.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Voyeur Of The Week

Girl fingers her lesbian lover whilst the lovely Julie Andrews looks on.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Marianne Faithfull - Sparrows Will Sing

Marianne Faithfull the ultimate hell raiser, is back with a new album, Give My Love To London (sponsored by Mars). It always amazes me when those debauched types are interviewed and they can remember with such clarity word for word conversations of past events and yet they claim their lives has been spent in a drug and alcohol stupor. I had a couple of shandys at a pub in Blackpool over the weekend and I can't even remember the name of the hotel we stayed at. That's Blackpool for you.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

RIP Kenny Ireland

As Benidorm's Donald with his "accommodating" wife Jacqueline.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Music To Sunbathe To

I was just a twinkle in my daddy's eye when this song came out. It was one of my mother's favourites and still is. I have fond memories of being about 3 years old sitting on my mother's lap, we'd be singing along together with the cassette tape, sometimes she would let me take over the steering whilst she lit a ciggy. Halcyon days! Hasn't the weather been gorgeous? Just like the long hot summers of yore. The Retsina is chilling, so grab a face reflector and pull up a deck chair it's Soley-Soley time.

Friday, 25 July 2014

Lady Muck

Just look at the haughtiness expressed on the Lady in Waiting's face. Who does she think she is? She has delusions of grandeur, she thinks she is the queen herself, well you're not love, you're just a peasant like the rest of us. The next time you're out and about leave the imitation pearl choker in your tiny bedsit and wear your best Primark drip-dry clobber and wake up to reality, you're just a lacky! Oh and your seat is the one next to the bogs.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Sunday, 13 July 2014

First Impressions

I forgot to mention that yesterday was my maid of all work's birthday, she's 48 though I must say, she doesn't look it, she looks much older and could easily pass for 60. 

When Carmen's crown came out she stuck it back in with superglue and it stayed put for over 6 years that is until recently when she was sat guzzling a box of toffee poppets with such fevour that she didn't even notice when her cheap acrylic crown had come out and that she had swallowed it.

After many visits to the dentist, and many £££s out of my facelift fund, she was eventually fitted with a new bespoke porcelain crown and as a bonus the dentist had given the impressions he made of her teeth to take home and dispose off. Instead of throwing them away, I thought I would make a feature of them without her knowledge. I sanded the rough edges down, gave them a coat of white emulsion, then stained them with a used teabag and baked them in the oven for half an hour, then once cooled I gave them a coat of furniture wax and they look amazingly like ivory and just the effect I was after. I can't say she looked thrilled when I presented them to her as a birthday present, in fact she looked at me as if I wasn't altogether plumb. The ungrateful bitch!

Wednesday, 25 June 2014


A gentleman caller gave me this beautiful cactus plant over two years ago, it's clump forming with flattish segments it looks a bit like root ginger from certain angles, it was in flower when he gave it to me and it's been in flower ever since. I've been scouring the Gardener's Encyclopedia of Plants & Flowers and the internet looking for it's name, but sadly no joy.

I see from the picture that Carmen has forget to pick up her wages!