Thursday, 27 August 2015

Tranny Watch

Audience member on today's The Wright Stuff.

A surgical knee support cut down and worn on the head will give your face an amazing lift, it will diminish that manly brow bridge to bring out the woman within, just like her's pictured in the foreground.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

50 Shades Of Brown

I was bitterly disappointed with the accent wall of our room at the Hilton Hotel, Blackpool.

Friday, 14 August 2015

Weekend Getaway

Blackpool: Britain's answer to St Tropez...

             With a bit of Nice and Santa              Monica thrown in.  

Blackpool's attraction Pat's Bingo. Hold me back Carmen, Hold me back!

Back Soon.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Breadcakes Galore

Having soup for your tea? Then you'll be wanting a small round ball of dough, proofed and baked to accompany it, but what do you call those little individual loaves? It appears people of the British Isles don't know either. I must warn you before you consult the map below, if you find yourself in a café in Yorkshire and you ask for a tea-cake then you'll be presented with something resembling a hot cross bun with currants in it, toasted and dripping in butter, quite nice but you wouldn't want to dip it in your soup.

I can't wait to pop in to my local bakery to ask for 'half a dozen butteries, love' just to see the look on the sale assistant's face.

They must be a giddy lot in Norwich to call them Viennas.

We call them Breadcakes oop North and I think the rest of Britain should follow suit.

Friday, 7 August 2015

1 Egg 1 Banana pancakes

1 egg

Makes 6 small pancakes

Place ingredients in a jug.

Using the kitchen vibrator blend to a smooth batter.
Heat a non-stick pan, not too high a heat though, I have my knob pointed at four. Pour 3 small rounds, about the size of a fried egg and cook for 2 minutes. If you had purchased your 'non stick' pan from Morrisons supermarket then you will need to lubricate the 'non-stick' pan with oil to stop it from sticking.

Flip pancakes over and cook for a further 2 minutes.

Friday, 17 July 2015

Sylvia - Y Viva Espana

Going to Spain (not Benidorm!). I plan to eat Leche Frita, watch young men on the beach playing volley ball and vegetate. I'll leave you to enjoy the lovely Sylvia.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Glenda Jackson Dances With Bulls

After standing down as MP, twice Oscar winner Glenda Jackson is returning to acting after 23 years. I bet Dame Maggie and Judi are shitting themselves. I've always been a great admirer of Glenda's high cheekbones.

I would've loved to have seen her perform this dance routine in the House of Commons, after she made that rant about Thatcher.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Mushy Rhubarb Cloppers

There was a parcel left on my doorstep this morning, something wrapped up in newspaper, with a post it note attached saying it was from my neighbour Elsie. I wondered what it could be, the still beating heart of the women who lives at number 32, who once called dear old Elsie a 'nosy old bitch', a pig's head for Carmen or even a dead baby, I'm afraid I did let my fertile imagination run riot with me. I picked up the parcel and saw from the opening that it was rhubarb 16 stalks of it freshly picked from Elsie's garden.

3 sticks of rhubarb
Cup of honey
2 cups of oats
pinch of baking powder
Vanilla extract
Ground ginger and lavender flowers optional.

Wash and peel the Rhubarb, removing the outer skin of rhubarb can be rather therapeutic. Chop it up in chunks and place in a microwaveable bowl, drizzle with honey (or sugar) and microwave on high for 10 minutes, After 10 minutes, drain away any juices and puree it. If you're feeling that way inclined, you can add a pinch of ginger.

In a grinder, grind two cups of porridge oats into a flour I like to add mixed nuts with mine, but if you're feeling that way inclined, try adding lavender flowers to the dry ingredients .

Place flour and honey in a bowl, add two tablespoons of the pureed jollop with the the vanilla extract and stir until it forms a ball. Divide the mixture into 9 balls and place on a baking sheet, flatten each ball slightly and then using a wet spoon, form a well in the centre, you could use a wet finger, never dry though, as the mixture will stick to it.

Add a teaspoon of the rhubarb mixture to each Clopper and bake at 170°C or gas mark 3 for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Enjoy with a nice cup of coffee, pussy mug optional.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Fascinating Aida - Dogging

[ ˈdɒgɪŋ ]
The saucy behaviour of watching or engaging in exhibitionist sexual activity in a public place, usually late at night in a supermarket carpark or on the A1079 Beverley Road, between York and Hull, there is a layby approx 5 miles from Beverely on the York side, after the turn off for Cherry Burton. Its very concealed from the road and well hidden by trees etc. So I'm told.

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Bourbons and Ginger Nuts

 I visited York over the weekend, with my rusty maid of all work Carmen. I sent a text message to a friend who lives in the area asking if he wants to meet up at Monks Cross, I got a reply back saying he couldn't as he was waiting in for a delivery, but he insisted that we go over to his place for a cup of tea. It was only a brief visit. Once seated in his living quarters, he came in carrying three cups of tea on a tray with Bourbon and Ginger Nut biscuits arranged artistically on a side plate, his little Yorkshire Terrier Judy yapping expectantly at his heel, I suspected the biscuits were supermarket's own brand, simply because he called his dog Judy and not Judith, well never mind about that, at least he remembered the doily this time. I thought the tea had an odd astringent taste to it, I didn't like to say anything in case he was using cheap tea bags, when I got the chance, I asked Carmen if her tea tasted strange, she said it was fine. Anyway, I drank it out of politeness like you do, well, there was no nearby plant for me to tip into so I had no other choice, when my host left the room to go and answer the door, he left firm instructions not to feed her no matter how much she begs and pleads, as she is getting fat, not taking a blind bit of notice, I took a Ginger Nut, broke it in two and tossed it in the air, Carmen's teeth snapped together as she caught it in mid air. Poor Judy never stood a chance. As I was nearing the end of my cup of tea, thank goodness! I felt something touch my lips, I tilted the dregs and saw to my horror, a chunk of onion in the bottom of the cup. This would never have happened in Harrogate.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Krugerrands In The Attic

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”

By Philip Larkin 1922-1985

Isn't that a lovely sentiment? I'd like to see it depicted in a greetings card, it's a poem I used to recite to my parents when Crawford * our maid, had her half day off every other month to visit relatives, my sister and I would have to do the chores ourselves, albeit very badly. I would often get a slap across the head for using foul language, but not until after I'd finished it. I had such a nice elegant prose, you should hear my rendition of Eskimo Nell it'll bring a tear to a glass eye.

So, Mitzi where have you been all this time? I hear you ask. Bedlam, that's where! First, I would like to apologise over my long absence, it must have been so distressing for you all, especially with those internet rumours going round about the Queen's demise last week, I don't see what all the fuss was about myself, the woman is pushing 90. I'm drifting off course a bit here, it happens when you haven't had a proper holiday in 7 months, yes 7 months! I've been helping my mother move out of the family home and in to a luxury apartment in a retirement village for the over 55s with beautiful manicured communal gardens and afternoon bingo. I won't say which retirement village as she'll be inundated with autograph hunters and such likes.

Emptying the house wasn't an easy task, I'm still having nightmares about it and will for sometime. When I left home 20 years ago, I expected my parents to have turned my bedroom into a shrine by leaving everything just how I had left it all those years ago, but instead they had filled it floor to ceiling with... well, lets call it junk. It was the same in my sister's old room too and in the box room. No wonder my mother was reluctant to move. Just when we thought we had everything cleared, my mother took me to one side, out of my niece and Carmen's earshot and told me she wanted something bringing down from the attic, it was a biscuit tin hidden behind the water tank and it weighed a ton, I handed her the tin and without any prompting from me, she showed me the contents "FUCKING HELL!" they was no slap across the head this time just my mother's beaming face. I'm thinking about getting a blue plaque made for the old house saying "Bill Sikes and Nancy lived here". I would love to tell you more but I'm afraid I cannot.

She's only been at her new place five minutes and has already had firm words with the woman next door.

* Crawford was actually my maternal grandma who came to live with us after Grandad died. I've always been pretentious, even then!

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Thursday, 5 March 2015


I overheard a woman talking to her young daughter: 'No Brogan, it's not I threw it, it's I throweded it' oh how I laughed, fancy calling your child Brogan, this was in Morrison's café.

A picture of a Beyoncé lookalike, for your viewing pleasure.

Monday, 16 February 2015