Thursday, 23 June 2016


Have you ever wondered what causes foam to appear on certain plants in your garden? I used to think it was passers-by gozzing on my beautiful scented bush, until my maid of all work Carmen told me it was caused by insects, but she had no idea what they looked like, so I had a root around with a stick and saw the culprits for myself.

The Common Froghopper nymph, as it's name suggests, is a frog like insect about 3mm long and lives in a protective mass of foam, known as cuckoo spit, it makes the foam by blowing tiny bubbles out of it's arse, a self frothing arsehole if you like, a thing of dreams. Those nymphs start out green, turning brown as they mature into adulthood and are capable of jumping 28 inches. If we were able to jump that length we would cover 650ft, 1 mile in 8 jumps, 1040 jumps I could be in Blackpool within the hour with my party frock on.

Photos courtesy of the internet.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Christine And The Queens - Tilted

I saw this performance last night on the Graham Norton Show. I was blown away.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Liz's Jugs

Look what my next door neighbour from my old house has given me, two Royal Doulton Toby Jugs, the one on the left is Rip Van Winkle the other one is the Pied Piper. I'm thrilled to bits with them.

Carmen curled her lip when she saw them, jealous bitch.

Thanks Liz, I'll think of you everytime I look at them, especially the one on the right.

Monday, 6 June 2016

Thursday, 2 June 2016


Welcome to the little Spanish town of Sitges where it is always circa 1976.

Taken from the balcony on the fourth floor with views overlooking the Church of Sant Bartomeu & Santa Tecla.

Just over the hill from the church and along San Sebastian Beach, you will arrive at Playa Nudista Cala Balmins, where the locals and tourists let it all hang out.

For those who enjoy sunbathing in the raw and exhibitionists too, this is the beach for you.

Enjoy a cafe con leche at the charming cafe montroig.

Cellulite? No, I've been sat on a wicker chair.

After my second cup of coffee I needed to 'spend a penny'. Whilst washing my hands at the sink, I heard grunting noises, I looked up in the mirror and saw the reflection of an old man, standing at the urinal spitting on his 'pecker' and masturbating furiously, I turned round to get a better look, as one does, he saw me looking, stopped masturbating placed both hands on his hips and started to thrust the air in my direction saying ''. I flew out of there clinging on to my mantilla for dear life, I've never seen the likes.

It all goes on in there!
Sitges is only 20 miles away from Barcelona. A 40 minute ride on the train takes you into the heart of Barcelona. One of my favourite cities and one of only a few places in the world where you could be shopping in Zara one minute and sipping sangria flaked out on the beach the next.
Lusting after this man on the beach, he could have taken me right there and then in full view of everyone including his wife, I wouldn't have cared less.

Lots of exotic seeds for sale on the Ramblas. Click on the pic to enlarge for a nice surprise or press Ctrl and the + button.

Live cacti in an inch high mug 4 for 10 euros or 3.50 each.
Ale-Hop (The shop with the cow outside). You find these are all over Spain, they sell everything from scarves, hats, bags, purses, jewellery through to 'sexy novelties', crockery, decorations, stationary and fridge magnets. Reasonably priced too.

Back in the hotel for a nice refreshing cup of Negro Tea.

Back Home

You've all heard of Tracey Emin's Unmade Bed. This is my contribution to the art world, entitled 'Suitcase Unpacked' yours for only 2.2 million any takers? The majority of my clothes were in the washer that small pile of clothes seen in the picture hadn't been worn! 

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Espana Por Favor

I'm off to Spain with the girls. Back soon.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Friday, 22 April 2016

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

RIP Victoria Wood

It's a sad day for me today. Victoria Wood has died aged 62 after a short battle with cancer.

They are dropping like flies.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

He Has Risen

Spotted at Abingdon Street market, Ronnie Corbett.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Feeling Peckish?

Woman finds a bird's nest in her bush.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Adult Colouring Book

Colouring books for adults are all the rage nowadays. My Maid of All Work, Carmen, has taken up the trend. Is she regressing back to her childhood I wonder? It is a worry. She's sat on the couch as I type, merrily scratching away with her coloured pencils, her tongue is lolling out, she looks like a simpleton.

Colouring-in pretty pictures isn't going to get the washing-up done or the beds made, is it?

Saturday, 12 March 2016

Are You Being Served Again?

Good news for Are You Being Served fans, the show is set to return for a one off special later this year.

My excitement quickly vanished when I learnt that Sherry Hewson is to play the part of Mrs Slocombe, she's about as funny as heart disease, they should have offered that role to Gwen Taylor or better still Penelope Keith. I'm not looking forward to seeing this at all.

Sunday, 21 February 2016

Monday, 15 February 2016

Valentine's Day Mascara

Sameer Patel's top selling card for the 10th year running.
I sent an anonymous Valentine's card to my maid of all work Carmen. She is prone to outbursts of latinesque hysteria and I didn't want a repeat of last year's performance when she locked herself away in her room, wearing her dead mother's eau de nil wedding dress, playing The Old Maid In The Garret on a continuous loop for hours on end. I had a severe case of crise de nerf that day, I can tell  you and had to lie down with the hartshorn, all because no one had bothered to send the daft cow a Valentine's card.

I disguised my handwriting by holding the pen at it's very top and using green ink I wrote 'Love from DS xx' I left it on the mat for her to pick up. She was thrilled when she saw it was addressed to her, she even had the nerve to smile at me in a superciliously way. Then she opened it, saw the initials, shuddered and pulled a face. She must have guessed DS stood for David Scott, a big oily fruit who still lives with his mother, an old bitch that we often see being pushed around in a wheelchair by David in Beverley market. David is a tight fisted, petty minded arrogant little shit who somehow managed to woo Carmen in the past with his slippery silver tongue. Oh how I laughed.