Saturday, 28 March 2015

The Carpenters - Jambalaya

... and be gay-oh

Lesbian Haircuts

Short back and sides with a bit off the top.

Via Dyke Haircuts

Thursday, 5 March 2015


I overheard a woman talking to her young daughter: 'No Brogan, it's not I threw it, it's I throweded it' oh how I laughed, fancy calling your child Brogan, this was in Morrison's café.

A picture of a Beyoncé lookalike, for your viewing pleasure.

Monday, 16 February 2015

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Sunday, 8 February 2015

The Misers, Morrison Gothic

I think it was Eleanor Rigby that said 'Do one thing every day that scares you'. With those words in mind we paid a visit to Morrison's cafe. Whilst my maid of all work Carmen was waiting patiently in the queue like the good little domestic servant that she is, I went in search of a seat, after taking my coat off and settling down, this was the scene that greeted me.

Two miserable looking pensioners, sat side by side of each other staring intensely at me with gimlet eyes, their sour faces could have curdled milk, perhaps their dog had just died or perhaps they were just stunned at my natural beauty, whatever the reason I was instantly reminded of a painting by Grant Wood called American Gothic, without the pitchfork, the woman seen hovering in the background could be the angel of death. Their meagre meal arrived he had a plate of chips and she had a battered cod and together they made a fish and chips dinner for two, for the price of one. Now there's a tip for you and here are some of mine. 

Supermarket tip: When buying pre packed bananas usually priced at 99p always take them out of the bag and let the till assistant weigh them instead, they're often much cheaper, I paid 58p for mine.

Supermarket tip: Save £££s When buying exotic fruits such as dragon fruit and medjool dates, simply use the self service check out and put them through as apples.

Supermarket tip: Slip a magazine of your choice inside the Sunday newspapers the girl at the till will just think it's a supplement and scan it as normal.

Supermarket tip: Home delivery. Having a post box inside a supermarket is a boon isn't it? The next time you are at the supermarket take along with you some stamped, self addressed envelopes, about the size of a dvd fill with expensive ink cartridges, pens or dvds and simply post them to yourself.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Timeless Masterpiece

I was invited to a friend's house for tea last night, whilst he was busy in the kitchen preparing the McCain oven chips and super noodles, I took the opportunity to look around the living quarters, dragging a forefinger along a table, testing for dust, like One does, I came across a sight that made me gasp and it wasn't the copious amount of grey dust covering my finger, It was this.

Crafted in a heritage style gold effect material and powered by a single AA battery, it whimsically captures in enchanting details, the seven wonders of the world (well, at least two), "But Mitzi dear, I can only count six wonders captured in finest quality polymer" I hear you say. Stand back and see the thing as a whole and you'll see the seventh wonder. I'm sure you'll agree it's almost certainly the single most beautiful piece of art created since the High Renaissance.

For pudding we had Jam roly-poly (Aunt Bessie's) with custard (Ambrosia), I've never eaten so much stodge in all my life.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Deirdre's Stuffed Marrow

"Chicken pie - We like to have it with peas and ready salted crisps."

Artery popping Corrie legend Deirdre Barlow/Anne Kirkbride has died aged 60. 

Friday, 16 January 2015

Desperately Seeking Camay

Camay Classic Toilet Soap has been discontinued. My Great Aunt Jemima is most upset about this, she has just used her very last bar of Camay and has threatened to stop washing herself as a protest until Camay is back on the shelves. It is a worry.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse

Mitzi is delighted to introduce her exciting new miracle cream Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen.

Does your face resemble a balloon two weeks after a party? Does your neck look like a jumper that's gone baggy in the wash? Would you like to have younger, firmer skin without resorting to murderously expensive cosmetic surgery? Of course you would, and well you can with Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse. It only cost pennies to make:

Any tub of moisture cream from Poundland
12g packet of Gelatin
drop of cochineal (optional) for that envious rosy glow look
A little or as much as you want of your favourite perfume (optional)

Mix gelatin in a cup with an inch or so of hot water stir until grains dissolve.

Pour Moisturising cream into a bowl and add gelatin mix well.

Next add the cochineal food colouring. Don't over do it with the cochineal, you only need a tiny drop otherwise you'll end up looking like a Victorian whore.

Add fragrance to the lotion, use the dregs of your favourite perfume.

Give it a good stir and pot up.

Say goodbye to your wrinkles with a rosy glow with Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen.
I thought I'd never look young again until I tried Mitzi's Rosee de la Jeunesse© with added collagen. and now I look 60 years younger. I'm going to change my age officially by deed pole to 31.

Saturday, 3 January 2015

For Ayem8y

Happy New Year Ayem8y all the best for 2015!

Thanks to Ayem8y we can remind ourselves once again of the lovely Michelle, isn't she a gem? We can always do with a little feminine mystique in our lives as opposed to my maid of all work Carmen, who is more feminine mistake than mystique, but she does makes great chips.

Take it away Michelle.

To be played simultaneously . It's best to turn the above video's sound off.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Christmas Past

Well, that's another one over with. I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, with lots to eat, drink and presents, talking of presents...

My maid of all work Carmen was absolutely thrilled to receive a Christmas present from me this year, it was a double pack of carbolic soap from Poundland she looked down at the gift that I held in my hand and with tears filling her eyes, she said, in a quivering little voice "A present... for me?" Yes Carmen, a present for you.  "you've spent a whole pound" Yes Carmen I did, you deserve every shilling. I gave her the receipt in case she wants to take them back to the shop in exchange for some other luxury. When she finally stopped sobbing, it was my turn, I held out my hands a foot width apart and closed my eyes, a small package was then placed in my left hand, trying hard not to let the disappointment show on my face, I opened my eyes and saw a small box wrapped in expensive looking paper. I eagerly ripped off the paper using nails and teeth and I was rewarded with a very small bottle of aftershave 50ml if you please! I didn't say anything but I was thinking it! The greedy bitch. Later on in the day I was going to surprise her with yet another little opener, a couple of satsumas from out the fruit bowl,

but I thought better of it, after the miserable disappointment I had in her gift, so I ate them myself. She knew I wanted a pair of slippers, the fluffy mules with the pink marabou trim I sometimes wear to greet the postman are looking a bit worse for wear, so I thought I'll go a bit butch with these. Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to buy them for myself.

Thursday, 25 December 2014

Create Your Own Festive Music

Turn ordinary everyday songs into festive Christmas songs with the sleigh bells sound effect.

To be played at the same time.

Adjust volume if necessary.

Monday, 22 December 2014