Saturday, 15 November 2014

Back Soon!

As you wait with bated breath for my return, here's a nice picture of a doorknob.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Remember when...

We used to cover our school exercise books with wallpaper, what was that all about? I had the pleasure of adorning mine with fine gold flock in rich sumptuous threads of gold, hand crafted by Tibetan monks. I remember my mother saying "If teacher comments on it, tell her it cost 7 quid a roll" I knew exactly how much it cost as I was the one who was sent to the shop to get a refund on an unopened roll. Woe betide the child who had the wrong sort of wallpaper exempli gratia woodchip. Do people still do this? It all seems very fussy and twee nowadays, I suppose back then we were so easily pleased.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Mitzi's Lusty Lips

Do you have a mean slit for a mouth?  Do you dream of having a Parisian pout with fuller plumper lips without having to resort to murderously expensive collagen lip injections? Well, now you can with Mitzi's Lusty Lips.

All you need for lusty lips is: 1 generous tablespoon of moisturizing cream, any will do, 1 scotch bonnet chili pepper,

Cut the stalk off the chili and discard, place chili in a jug along with the moisturising cream  and whizz together until smooth, using a kitchen vibrator.
Find a suitable container with a lid to store it in, the above picture is not a suitable storage container, it's a yoghurt pot but it the best that I could find. Apply to the lips and see what happens. Expect a mild stinging sensation, this will wear off after 10 minutes, the plump effect can last up to 2 hours, apply when necessary. NB Do not be tempted to use this product as an emergency lube for anal sex!



Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Forever Autumn

I really love this time of year.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Mouldy Old Dough - Lieutenant Pigeon

See the woman wearing the pink dress at 2:08? when I was about 7 my big sister used to tong my hair under just like that and then we'd go out shopping together. You couldn't make it up!

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Palma Majorca

"The water in Majorca don't taste like wot it oughta." 

Not to be confused with Menorca a mistake you only make once. Flying from Leeds airport on a wet and dismal Monday afternoon, 2hrs and 15 minutes later, we arrived at our destination, unsuitably dressed in jeans, shirt and a "pully" as my maid of all work Carmen likes to call jumpers, I felt like a sheep in heat. Palma was basking in an autumnal heatwave.

A close up of the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma taken from the sixth floor of the Costa Azul hotel.

Palma at dusk

                             Cala D'or
Melia Hotel

 After a week in Palma we headed off east of the island to a place called Cala D'or. We had intended to stay there for the remainder of the holiday but they wasn't much to do there and we both thought that the 5 star hotel looked a bit grim, so we packed up yet again and headed back to Palma.

My bed was the one on the left, I know, I didn't like the proximity to Carmen either as she has a tendency to break wind in her sleep hence her bed is the one next to the window. That reminds me, I tried truffle for the first time, not the chocolate variety, the fungus, in an omelette at a restaurant, I took one bite and chewed, I chewed a bit more all the while my mouth felt as it was filling up with obnoxious gas, vapours were coming out of my nose, it was like a fat man on an onion soup diet had broken wind into my mouth, can you imagine that? Vile to say the least. Somewhere in the dark recesses of our minds some primeval instinct sends a message to the brain telling us not to swallow as it could be poisonous, I couldn't swallow it, which is unusual for me. I dashed to the lav with a mouthful of mush. Back at my seat, I gave the offending omelette to Carmen she devoured it with gusto saying it was like eating an orgasm. Dirty bitch! 
Set from Blithe Spirit?
Room with a view! (Not part of the hotel)

4 euros for a Mars Bar!
I had a bag of Maltesers and Carmen had the Mars bar 7 euros 50 centimes I sent Carmen out to the supermarket the next morning to replace them before the maid came.

Holiday reading: Tom Sharpe's The Throwback a book I found in the hotel lobby,The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson and Tuppence to Cross The Mersey  by Helen Forrester a riches to rags story.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Voyeur Of The Week

Girl fingers her lesbian lover whilst the lovely Julie Andrews looks on.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Marianne Faithfull - Sparrows Will Sing

Marianne Faithfull the ultimate hell raiser, is back with a new album, Give My Love To London (sponsored by Mars). It always amazes me when those debauched types are interviewed and they can remember with such clarity word for word conversations of past events and yet they claim their lives has been spent in a drug and alcohol stupor. I had a couple of shandys at a pub in Blackpool over the weekend and I can't even remember the name of the hotel we stayed at. That's Blackpool for you.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

RIP Kenny Ireland

As Benidorm's Donald with his "accommodating" wife Jacqueline.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Music To Sunbathe To

I was just a twinkle in my daddy's eye when this song came out. It was one of my mother's favourites and still is. I have fond memories of being about 3 years old sitting on my mother's lap, we'd be singing along together with the cassette tape, sometimes she would let me take over the steering whilst she lit a ciggy. Halcyon days! Hasn't the weather been gorgeous? Just like the long hot summers of yore. The Retsina is chilling, so grab a face reflector and pull up a deck chair it's Soley-Soley time.