Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Books, DVDs and Crap

                           For your viewing pleasure. 

The King Charles spaniel in the frame is my gran's faithful old fanny licker, Queeny.

Friday, 10 February 2017

In These Shoes

A week or so ago I crammed my manly size 9s into a size 7 1/2 shoe and went traipsing around the shops in them for hours on end. Surprisingly no blister but I was horrified to discover I had developed a subungual hematoma aka a blackened nail and it's been giving me gyp ever since, there is only one thing for it. "Carmen, fetch the drill"

Suck it!

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Typhus Carmen

When Carmen started to develop a rash on her legs, arms and body she put it down to having an allergic reaction to her new diabetes medication. However, blood tests have shown that my maid of all work has Typhus a disease spread through the bites of lice and fleas, she's had it for at least 7 weeks which would tie in with our holiday in Benidorm, thank goodness, I would hate anyone to think that I live in a rat infested midden and typhus is very prevalent in Spain. Carmen is blaming a manky cat that was weaving in and around her legs at a pavement café, she was chatting away as normal then suddenly a look of sheer terror had etched on her face, pointing to her feet she told me to 'get... rid... of' judging by her reaction I was expecting to see a boa constrictor down there instead of a fluffy white cat with rummy eyes. It's like living with Dame Edith Evans. It soon scarpered when I sprayed it with a mouthful of water, earning some disparaging looks from passers-by.

Carmen was given an antibiotic injection this morning and was told the rash would start to clear away in a few days, she was also told/warned by her superior that Typhus is a forbidden topic in the Flange household and if anyone should ask about the rash she is to say it's shingles. In the meantime I'm having one of these fitted in the front garden disguised as a lily pond.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

First-Footer of 2017

Happy New Year!

Sadly my first footer of 2017 wasn't Bonnie Langford doing a funky 80s dance routine but Elsie from next door with a bottle of Amarula.

I remember watching this episode of  Emu's Pink Windmill when I was a child, it was around the 0:14 mark that my sister threw a slipper at the television screen. I wonder if the boys at 0:58 had a quick glimpse of Bonnie's 'Pink Windmill' during the dance routine.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Happy Christmas!

and a preposterous New Year! 

Friday, 23 December 2016

Minge Pies

Calories don't count on a Friday, so lets enjoy a deep filled festive Minge pie.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Council House Fayre With Kay

Check out the eggs at 3:51 and drool.

Kay from Sheffield doesn't have any worktops in her kitchen, but that doesn't stop her from making culinary delights, such as bacon and egg sandwiches, Chicken Tikka Masala (with chips) and my personal favourite chips and cheese, she does a great pan of chips. She even manages to prepare and cook a full Christmas dinner on top of her hob. If you've got a favourite meal you'd like Kay to prepare then send her a request in the YouTube comment box. I wonder how she's getting on with that croquembouche that I asked for.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016


It's been misty, murky, damp and drizzly here today, but I was cheered up by the sight of a Christmas card hanging out of my bristled slot this morning. Could it be a cheery father Christmas with his ruddy face, perhaps an olden day ice skater clutching her muff or a little Robin redbreast perched on a branch of holly, oh the excitement as I fumbled with the envelope. Imagine my disappointment when I opened it and was greeted by this scene so early in the morning. It was from Renata the old lass who lives opposite, wishing me a happy Christmas. I thought she liked me.

Forget Santa, sprouts and carol singers nothing truly says 'Christmas is here' like the sight of people in peril. Lifeboat Rescue by Robert Jobling (1841-1923)

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Kitten Fleeces

Before I make a trip to Bonny Street Market for mother's Christmas present, I want to know your views on kitten fleeces.

Thursday, 1 December 2016


I wanted a holiday filled with wonder, awe and excitement, I couldn't find one, so I went to Benidorm instead.
When travelling to foreign climes where mosquitos are rife, it is advisable to check under the rim of the toilet for mosquitos (a favourite lurking place of theirs). In one sitting alone I was bitten 3 times on my arse, with one bite just half an inch away from my nipsy, can you imagine that? The relief I got from sitting in a wicker chair, in a street café, gyrating my hips in a circular motion was that of pure ecstasy. I really went for it in the Ale-Hop shop and got stuck in with my hand for a good old scrat. When in Benidorm.

Some famous faces for you to marvel over.
Emily Bishop enjoying a fag and a pot of tea at the Belroy, the former Café de Paris.

Judi Dench showing off her tats and admiring a fine array of tat on display, she was a difficult one to photograph, too flighty.

Susan Boyle, enjoying a sedate plod around the old town.

A proper Spanish Costas song.

The Klaxons were a Belgian accordion based band who had a minor UK hit in 1983 with "The Clap Clap Sound", which reached number 45 in the charts.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Ta-ra Chuck

❤️ "Woman, Stanley, Woman"

Wednesday, 20 July 2016


I'm dripping like a fucked fridge.

Monday, 18 July 2016

Carmen by Mitzi

I used my finger nails to sculpt her features, much easier than using a knife.
After an hour in the oven at 100 degrees,  it's time to paint her up. You can never have too much rouge...
if it's the Victorian whore look that you're going for. Place her on a sunny window sill and watch her age until the desired effect is achieved.
Sun damaged skin. Skin becomes pliable after a few days, so you can drag those jowls down.
There, finished and not a bad likeness either. Pubic hair courtesy of Dame Shirley Bassey.