Boyle On The Bum

Mad Scot Iain Burns has declared himself Susan Boyle’s No1 fan after getting the singing sensation’s face tattooed on his bum.

Dictionary Corner

Postmodern /pohst'moden/adj
No one knows what it means anyway so just use it willy-nilly and people will nod their heads wisely and pretentiously.

Litigious /lit'ig'us/ noun
Someone who is prone to taking other people to court. These people can come in two forms: Mad old people who write lots of letters of complaint in green ink with lots of huffing and puffing which won't amount to anything, or the really dangerous ones like footballers and celebrities who can afford to take the Daily Mail to court for suggesting they might have a small cock or slightly unseemly cellulite.

Lolling /lol'in/verb
Derived from the latin "Lolloxificius" meaning to lounge in a supine manner at any opportune moment." I spent most of the weekend lolling about around on the nudist beach, with my tongue lolling out"

Susan Boyle - Fantasy Album

Now that Susan Boyle has recorded her first album track and Simon Cowell is rubbing his hands together in g£ee, maybe it is time to choose some favorite songs that Susan would surely do justice too.

Here's my top ten for her new album.

1. Title Track It Should Have Been Me - Yvonne Fair
2. Hazel Dean - Love Pains
3. I Dreamed A Dream' from Les Miserables.
4. Lavender - Marillion

5. Please Don't Touch - Duet with Lemmy
6. Beautiful- Christina Aguilera
7. Adante Adante - ABBA
8. The Day After That - Liza Minelli
9. You Don't Have To Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield
10.All Around My Hat - Steeleye Span

Happy Birthday

It's my niece's 6th birthday today and she was thrilled with her present, I made for her. Those solid chemical air fresheners blocks commonly seen in men's urinals. Pop one inside a child's sock, sew the open end of the sock together and hey presto, an instant drawer freshener or a lovely scented pomander. Of course I never. I bought her a Karaoke machine, Jesus tonight! Her voice is so high pitched only bats and dogs can make out her lyrics.

Grow Your Own Loofah

Also spelled luffa, loufa, or loofa, the cylindrical sponge many of us use to slough off dead skin cells in the shower or bath doesn't come from the sea, as some might assume, but a gourd like vegetable that can be actually grown in your own back garden. The vegetable can be sliced and diced and put into curries and if you're a nun...

7 Day Diet Plan

Oh sod the diet. Be fat and fuck it!

Muttonitis - Liz McDonald

Sufferers of this condition insist on dressing years younger than what they really are. Look out for lots of stonewashed denim and diamante studded t-shirts that are too tight and too short and expose rolls of dimpled ageing flesh. Looking in a mirror and , much like an anorexic convincing herself that she looks fat, the Muttonitis sufferer assures herself she looks fashionable.


A breast thong?

7 Day Diet - Wednesday

Tip - Hang out with your thin friends. The fat ones will sabotage your diet by slipping you toffees and ordering you a full fat latte instead of a "Skinny" one out of spite.

Breakfast
Cabbage soup

Lunch
Cabbage soup

Dinner
Cabbage soup

What Your Hat Says About You

The Bobble Hat

You are the practical dog walking type. I bet your skin is really dry and flaky so why not try a little moisturiser before your face peels off. You're the type of person who really believes that looks don't matter, good job in your case. If you were a meal you'd be a really dried up one like a pot noodle, just add hot water and wait type of meal. Try to be a bit more adventurous, and just remember there are younger prettier people out there and some of them will be quite happy to break up your relationship. Of course, 1 in 300 bobble hat wearers are quite young and attractive and who are studying art at Edinbourgh university. These are the bobble hat funksta brigade, not to be confused with the dog walker type as pictured above.

Little Robin Redbreast Wearing A Floral Hat

Diet Tuesday

Tip-Plant gel granules is a 100% Non-Toxic, biodegradable, and odorless super absorbent crystal, that absorbs up to 400 times its weight in water and will stop those hunger pangs. Just take two teaspoonsful of the dried crystals and wash them down with a pint of water.

Breakfast
Porridge made with water essentially gruel as given to prison inmates in the last century.

Lunch
Some mussels bought from a dodgy van make sure you force open the ones that are closed, with any luck you will get a bout of food poisoning. It might be cheating, but who cares.

Dinner
Hooray! You did find the dodgy mussel. Remember changing soiled sheets is great for burning up calories.

The Mitzi Fux 7 Day Diet - Monday

All of us are obsessed by our weight. It's madness but the vast majority of the population over the age of 18 is either on a diet or thinking about going on a diet and the time has now come for me to go on a diet, sad I know.

Tip
Kick start your diet by licking a raw chicken, making sure your tongue gets into all those little nooks and crannies where the pink juices lurk. Guaranteed to have you shitting through the eye of a needle in hours! and that's good.

Breakfast
Large portion of anything you don't like, I.E. Sago pudding or roll mop herrings.

Lunch
Hopefully you will feel so sick after breakfast that you won't be able to stomach lunch. Great! you have saved 500 calories. Either put these in your calorie savings bank to spend on a mars bar at the end of the week or blow it in the pub on a stomach calming gin and slimline tonic. Allow yourself three crisps offered from your thin friend's pack of cheese and onion.

Mid Afternoon Snack
Two chewable Rennies

Dinner
Go to a ridiculously expensive restaurant the only thing you will be able to afford is the starter, go for the soup, if there's a choice ask the waiter which one is the most like dishwater and choose that, it will be called "Consomme, which is French for dirty water.

I've Come To Realize...

Shirley or Kevin over at The Lisp has tagged me.

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. Could fill a small bra! I remember an incident not so long ago, I was brushing my teeth with my head stooped low in the basin and couldn't understand why I kept losing my balance until I looked down and saw my swinging man baps. Gravity is such a bastard.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. Only fools and horses work.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. I could quite happily mow down people.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. Some washing up liquid, I've just ran out.

5. I’ve come that realize that I have lost. 4lbs in weight this week, that's the equivalent of two bags of sugar, just 24 lbs more to go and I can stop wearing this burka.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. They open another checkout in a shop and those behind you rush over and get served. Makes me heave.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. My language falls into a pre second world war vortex "Cheerio Darlings" and "Oh that's grand" (Got any nylons?) however, a few scoops more of mother's ruin and I become maudlin.

8. I’ve come to realize that money. Is nice.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. Are shit and not worthy of my attention.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. Love you.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). Is sadly missed. The worst cliche to say to anyone who has lost a close relative is "Time is a great healer" what a load of bollocks, I know they mean well, but it's just not true.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom. My Mam or Mother if I called her Mom she'd slap to the end of never. My mother is a busy body, like most mothers they have a natural tendency towards snooping, it's just that sometimes they can get over stimulated.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. Is in the drawer with a flat battery needs recharging.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. I remembered an awful dream I had about my teeth falling out, I had to check to see my molars were intact.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. That I'll be 40 in *cough* years time.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking... and the pain is excruciating

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. Ballooned in his mid 30's too.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. It's to look old school friends, to see how fat they've become.

19. I’ve come to realize that today getting halfway into town then coming all the way back because I'd left my wallet in my other jeans.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. I might go for a curry

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. May never come.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to go dogging.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is/has nothing better to do with his/her life

24. I’ve come to realize that life. Isn't always champagne and roses it's mostly manure.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. Has been nothing but chores.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. is The Lion and The Cobra by Sinead O'Connor and anything else by Sinead O'Connor.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. are very out going and gregarious, in other words not very bright.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. Has to be better than the one before.

29. I’ve come to realize that my exes. Bloody Hell I can hardly remember any of their names.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should or maybe I shouldn't I just can't decide.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. nothing more that watching an old B&W fillum on the telly on a wet Sunday afternoon with a box of diabetic chocolates nesting on the arm of the chair. It was Bette Davis that got me smoking, you know, at the age of 10! I've long stopped since. BTW I'm not a diabetic I just like the effect that those chocy's have on my toilet functions.


32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. Algebra

33. I’ve come to realize my past. Is something to remember with a rosy glow.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. Underwear parties can be Fun Fun Fun!

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. of flying it's not natural is it? So why do I put myself through this torture? I must be a sadist.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. Would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't carrying excess weight, I'm 2 stones(28lbs) heavier than I was last year. I was recently asked if I would like to join the chorus line in this year's pride parade oh, yes do "Jazz hands " with these sausages, I don't think so!

Zandra Rhodes Rams Shop

Fashion designer Zandra Rhodes has crashed her car through the front window of a hardware store in California, injuring a customer inside. Her spokesperson said: "Zandra is fine. She panicked when the car went forward instead of reverse as she had intended. She is highly embarrassed by her mistake but is glad no one got seriously injured."

The Benny Andersson Band - Story Of A Heart

ABBA's Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus are releasing their first new material as a musical partnership in more than 15 years, including a track performed by the staff of a Swedish hotel. I quite like this tune, wait until the chorus kicks in and you can hear the ghost of ABBA. If only Benny and Björn invited Agnetha Faltskog to sing lead vocal and Anni-Frid Lyngstad to sing the backing vocals. Can you imagine?

Tips For Looking Good In The Sun

We all love the summer, long hot days and evenings spent sitting out in the garden sipping Lambrini. But as we all know for every silver lining there must be a dark cloud. Oh, how much easier it would have been to look good in the Victorian days when the photos were sepia and people were taken down to the water's edge in a beach hut on wheels and slipped into the water wearing a stripy knit swimming costume. One option might be to spend your hols on the Russian Riviera because all the other women tend to be old boilers who have spent a lifetime making cheap dumplings and eating them. You will be the belle of the beach there.





Fake tan: Buy the best you can afford and wash your hands thoroughly afterwards. Those bright orange palms are such a giveaway.


Avoid khaki Shorts: If you've got a fat arse, don't wear massive khaki shorts unless you are Chastity Bono. Go for a nice, floaty skirt and a loose top instead or failing that how about a sarong they are ideal for covering up the flabby bits think how useful sarongs are for other things:

*For waving down the helicopter or emergency services.
*For tying round your jaw in a double knot to stop you eating those kettle chips on the happy hour bar.
*For putting miniture bottles of shampoo and shower gel freebies in as you pass the chambermaid trolley in the corridor

Avoid Man Made Fibres: Not only will you look cheap and nasty, you will sweat like a pig too, especially if you are carrying excess weight.


Nautical But Nice: Keep it simple, the nautical look will give the impression that you know what you're doing stylistically, even if you haven't really got a clue. Just remember "Navy and white, just right". However don't be tempted to go overboard a sailor's hat is a step too far!


Avoid Red Swim wear: Avoid wearing the colour red if you have a pale complexion and burn in the sun. I will call attention to the shocking colour contrast and you'll end up looking like a barber's pole



If all else fails, take a lesson from those short, fat , Greek women. They've got the right idea swathe yourself in black cotton fabric and buy yourself a donkey.

Dictionary Corner

My grandma always use to say "Why use long wurds when short uns'll do?" and I couldn't agree with her more, but then she'll go and spoil herself by saying thing like"Many a mickle makes a muckle" whilst waiting for her penny change in a shop. Occasionally though, we like to get on our high horse and complain about how badly teenagers spell or how illiterate Saturday staff are. But to keep on feeling superior, and to impress friends and family, we need to top up our knowledge of posh words.

Moribund /moor'e'bund/adj/
Almost dead. It's great bouncy little word to use when you come home on a Friday night, having just done an enormous shop at Tesco: "God, I am completely and utterly moribund." Of course, the danger is that he won't know what in Hell you're talking about and therefore won't understand that you are in desperate need of a cup of gin.

Zeitgeist/ zite'gyste/noun/
This is of German origin, and slipping foreign words into your conversation is good as it means you are brainy in more than one language, Ça va (French for "innit"). It means fashionable for now. So footless tights are zeitgeisty and so is Lady Gaga. Confused? It doesn't matter, just use the word and move on.

Subtext /subtekst/noun
A neat word because it makes you sound seriously bright and a bit scary. It really only refers to what lies beneath the text, in other words the real meaning of something when a politcian says "I'm glad you asked me that" the subtext will be, "shit I wish you hadn't asked me that!"

RIP Mrs Slocombe

Comedy actress Mollie Sugden, best known for her role as Betty Slocombe in the hit TV series Are You Being Served?, has died in hospital at the age of 86 after a long illness. Mystic Mitzi predicted see here

Mrs Slocombe's Pussy Montage

Beauty On A Budget

Why spend a fortune on make up and skin care products when so many essential beauty must haves can be found in your own home? It's true, everything you need is either in the cupboard or the fridge or lurking at the bottom of the toolbox.

Grey roots: colour in those pesky grey roots with a matching felt tip pen those versatile felt tips pens make ideal lip liners too. Fellas! don't waste money on those murderously expensive "Just for men" hair/beard dyes, what you need to touch up those greying sideburns and temples is a permanent marker pen, et voila 20 years younger.

Face mask: We all know that mashed up avocados are good for the skin but if you haven't got any guacamole, try hummus instead. Remove from the face after 15 minutes with either warm water and a flannel, or some pitta bread.

Rosy Glow; Rub a slice of beetroot onto your face to add a healthy glow.

Eyeliner: Make your own eyeliner by burning a match and using the burnt charcoal bit at the end to effect a sexy smoky look.

Face Powder: Plain, rather than self raising flour is a great alternative to face powder especially those with a pale complexion (for those with a slightly faun colouring go for wholemeal flour) if you haven't got a spare powder puff, apply with a bread roll cut in half.

Lard: Indispensable beautifier. Lard adds shine to dull and lifeless hair. Fab for smoothing dry elbows and making lips more lustrous and it's perfect for anal sex as is cheap hair gel from the pound shop!

Give yourself a sexy tan using gravy granules, (used in WWII) smear onto legs and arms gives that lovely sun kissed look (but you must exfoliate first).

Pretend you're older than you are. That way you get more compliments which will in turn boost your self esteem.

My top beauty tip:

If staring at yourself in the mirror makes you depressed, take a couple of steps back, the further away you are the better you will look.

Childhood Nightmares

The Laughing Clown at Blackpool's Pleasure beach is still there laughing and rolling about in his seat scaring the hell out of the kids. I remember as a child stood frozen in terror at Mooky the clown, he use to stand outside the Fun House, which was sadly, destroyed by fire in 1991, the clown was the only thing left and laughing harder than ever. Rumour has it the clown is haunted and laughs at random without coins shoved in the slot.