Christmas Day Washout

I should have stayed at home... I should have stayed at home. That was the mantra going through my my mind on Christmas day (I hear what you're saying... moaning cow!). I should have known better when the maid suggested going away for Christmas and New Year to escape from "the rabble", instead I'm marooned here with the very definition of it. The weather has been crap, Christmas day was spent in the hotel room, couldn't go out, not without an umbrella. I ended up watching spanish television, So, My Grandma's A Lesbian with English subtitles (yes, that is an actual film) and Vera dubbed in Spanish. I couldn't watch the English channels as the bad weather kept interfering with the signal, it kept pixellating and losing sound. The maid is online, booking flights home, there's no way I'm staying here for a month. 

Hope you had a better Christmas.

The Forgotten Attic

Sifting through my search posts I noticed I had rather a lot of drafts, half finished, half arsed, unpublished posts, that never made the cut, 44 of them to be exact, here's just 4 of them.

                                                         Exclusive Yarns.

A drama set in a wool shop in Tumbridge Wells, with Maureen Lipman, Lesley Joseph, Patricia Hodge and Sue Devaney. It's camper than Hilda Bracket's pisspot.

Portrait of a scrubber by Miss Flange

I don't know who she is, she has been pending since April 2022 no story attached just the picture, you'll be relieved to know it's not a self portrait.  

Buying Christmas presents elderly relatives can be a challenge, it doesn't matter what you get them they always end up saving it 'for best' and it ends up in a cupboard forgotten.

Old people love to knit covers for things, I had a little pouch Great Aunt Alice had knitted for the TV remote control, she also knitted a cover for the toaster in serge green, so with that in mind what old person wouldn't love this exquisite toilet and cistern cover, edged with a delicate lace trim, it will remind them of Christmas day every time they dump.

A video from the 1960s. The Honeycombs Have I The Right.

The Great Christmas Cake Heist

I applaud Waitrose for using the word Christmas in their packaging.

 
I was in Waitrose at the weekend gliding through the aisles with gay abandon, the maid was at home waiting in for a delivery, which was a good thing, I didn't want her breathing down my neck, tutting at the price of champagne. I stopped at a display of Christmas cakes I found one I liked the look of, it was small and unfussy but as I reached out to take it, another hand was quicker, that hand belonged to a no-nonsense type of woman, she was wearing a trilby hat and a green wax jacket, she probably has a career managing farmhands, because it was the last of that cake I asked a passing menial* if she had another in the back, she took something out of her pocket and began to type and then apologised for not having any more in until Monday.  

As I rounded the corner, I saw her again, the trilby woman deliberating over a selection of cheeses at the deli counter, her trolley left unattended besides the artisan breads and there inside the trolley was the cake, it didn't look anything special on the shelf but seeing it in that woman's trolley it took on a rosy glow, I had to have it, a quick furtive glance in her direction and the cake and I hot-footed it to the tills, chuckling all the way.

I was told via text message by a know-it-all friend of mine, that you don't cut Christmas cake like that, but he didn't explain why. To be honest I couldn't care less.

*Because Waitrose is considered to be a better class supermarket I call the shop assistants who work there menials, it keeps them grounded and stops them from getting ideas above their station.

For Your Festive Viewing Pleasure

I'll be back later on in the week to tell you what I did on Sunday in Waitrose (oh the shame).

Hotel Chic

Hotel Subur Sitges with it's  exuberant passion for raffia mat wall hangings. We usually stay at The Plaja D'or, not this time, it was fully booked as was the Calipolis, the Subur was the only available hotel. We took the risk and booked it.

 Thinking of decorating? Looking for home decor ideas? For inspiration look no further than the exquisite interior of  the Surbur Hotel in Sitges that offers an insight into the lives of Bill Sykes and Nancy. We took it in turns to sit in that chair, it was the only place in the room that picked up the internet.

Room with a view, I didn't mind slumming it for a few days until the new upgraded room became available.

After 4 days we were able to move to a sea view room. Only 2 raffia mats in this room, goes together well with the tropical bamboo mirror frames, bed for communal fu sleeping.

Close up view of that wall mounted mat from the old room.

On loan from the Pompidou in Paris.

Nothing riles me more than seeing dried flower arrangements in hotel rooms, absolutely fine in your own home if you're that way inclined, but what purpose do they serve,  other than taking up valuable table space. where am I supposed to recharge my ipad with that clunky thing in the way.

This is the breakfast room of the 3* Subur hotel in Sitges, this is what I had to endure for the past 14 days, here I would sit and gaze wistfully at the ceiling in a pose of a Pre-Raphaelite muse, The Lady of Shallot.

The hotel's party line, oh the things you hear through the bathroom air vents, makes me blush just thinking about it.

 

What do you do with your old raffia table mats, make an interesting wall feature of them of course. 

Nice views with a wrap around balcony.

Raffia pineapple 

From hotel chic to Satin Chic

Current Location

 

For Your Viewing Pleasure

  

Don't you just love a street brawl? 

Yes, that is a young Janice from Benidorm.

How Northern, but can you still eat the chips?

Taking the Strain

Take any bog standard yoghurt, the cheaper the better and turn it into a thick luxury Greek yoghurt that could rival Fage (pronounced fa-yeh if you're that way inclined), I used Lancashire Farm I paid £1.15 for 1kg from Herons.

I chose the fat free one deliberately, knowing it'll be like piss.

Take a muslin cloth or if you're cheap like me, use a double layer dish cloth, clean of course straight out of it's packet and place it inside a sieve, tip the yoghurt into the cloth lined sieve and rest it on a bowl large enough to allow the yoghurt to drain and then just leave it in the fridge over night.

In the morning you'll have yoghurt precum! Doesn't it look vile? It looks yellow in the photograph but it was green, proves that the cows are grass fed.

 

The end result, so thick you can cut it with a knife. 

As Plain as a Digestive Biscuit

My morning cup of tea went missing this morning, it's true. Yorkshire tea, precisely three minutes seeped, gone! I hunted high and low for it, with no joy I even convinced myself that the house is haunted, a ghost with a penchant for tea, the thieving spectral bastard. I thought to myself what would the late Clodagh Rodgers have done in a situation like this then I remembered a poem about Saint Anthony, the patron saint of lost things. Something's lost and can't be found please St Anthony look around, still no joy. I had a dental appointment to attend, I left the maid at home mowing the grass, after my check up I decided to do a bit of shopping on the high street and then I popped into a cafe for a toasted tea-cake and a diet coke.

I love people watching, it didn't take me long to scan the room and focus my beady eye on someone, a big lass with a bow in her hair, 

See the man in the distance, when she upped and left, he kept giving me the glad eye! Time to leave!

I didn't see what she looked like from the front until she got up to pay, I was expecting her to have a septum piercing or a tattooed neck, something to give her an edgy look, but there was nothing, she wore a blue pleated skirt to match the bow in her hair, white socks and a pair of plain black court shoes, as she walked past my table a little acid reflux crept into my throat causing a burning sensation. I blamed the diet coke. I've seen make-up free women before, of course, so I wasn't totally catatonic with shock when I saw her face, however, seeing someone so ordinary, a genuine plain Jane unsettled me somewhat. I'm sad to say it but looking like that, she is destined to be a spinster. After finishing my tea-cake and looking round to see who else I could inwardly slag off I received a message from Carmen with an attached picture, she had found my cup of tea!

Homemade Bounty Bars

What can you make with half a packet of desiccated coconut that's been hidden in the depths of the food cupboard for ages and is nearing it best before date? Make bounty bars of course. I made the mistake of plumping up the coconut by soaking it in milk for about an hour, it fell apart when I tried to form mounds, so I put the mush in a muslin cloth* gathered in the edges and squeezed the milk out of it, that did the trick, I added a few chopped glace cherries, bought during the reign of Queen Elizabeth II and enough condensed milk to sweeten and bind it all together. I hadn't any chocolate to coat them with so I sacrificed Carmen's Easter egg †, a half eaten Lindt monstrosity I smashed the remainder of it to bits and melted it in the microwave. Made 4.

Yes, that really is condensed milk.

A culinary triumph, served on a Poole pottery plate, a little hint as to where I'll be moving too.

* It was actually a dish cloth, a clean one of course.

† I have since bought her a replacement Easter egg, it cost a staggering £12 from Meg Morrison's, bleeding rob dogs.

Hot Cross Buns and Dog Shit

If you find yourself in Gail's Bakery in Stratford Upon Avon, fancying one of their over priced hot cross buns, make sure you get there at a reasonable time, because they 'stop toasting' after 3pm! 

If I hear someone say something noteworthy I try to remember it or better still make a note of it on my iphone. I overhead a portly man in a tweed jacket talking to his wife about canine defecation habits, this is in the same cafe where Carmen was tucking into a hot cross bun with gusto, I was eavesdropping shamelessly on the couple, he was telling her that dogs only shit facing North or South, never East or West, that why you often see them spin around and around they are finding their magnetic bearings, before dropping their foulage. I don't know if this is true or not, perhaps Scarlet or MrDevice could devote themselves to the study of canine jobbie orientation, armed with a compass and some dog biscuits I for one would be very interested in their findings.

Just look at the contented look on his face.

Greetings From Benidorm

Going Dutch fashion wise.

They were at it everyday morning, weather permitting.

Indoor market cafe where Carmen was served a bacon and tomato sandwich. Hilda Ogden had a similar muriel in her living room, just saying. 

Back home tomorrow

 

It's 5pm Twinkle Time!

 

 

Mitzi's Muff

I also won this glass cat, many years ago on the Celebrity Eclipse.

I received an email last week from the Postcode lottery congratulating me on winning a prize. Oh joy of joys, confetti and streamers erupted in my mind, my euphoria soon turned to despair when I discovered it wasn't a life changing amount of cash at all but an actual gift, the sort you see in a seaside bingo parlour, I clicked the button inviting me to browse their selection of prizes, there was a lot to choose from including L'occitane products, 'sea socks' whatever they are, headphones for drowning out the maid's goings-on, hairdryers, the list was endless I pondered my options and after careful consideration I opted for a rechargeable, cordless, hot water bottle RRP £14.99. 

Carry on Cruising

Another boring day at sea with nothing to do.

Stop the boat I want to get off! Yes, that's Benidorm you see in the distance, most ot it anyway, I was too excited to wait for the full vista. I'm enjoying the cruise but I'd be much happier if they dropped me off here for a couple of weeks. 

My first taste of Tia Maria I wasnt sure what mixer you had with it, if any, so I drank it neat with ice. Yes that is a lager the maid is drinking "Reg Varney had one of those in Holiday on the Buses".

   

This is how the folk of Cartagena like to entertain themselves. 

More carry on cruising to come.