Saturday 27 January 2024

Thou Shall Not Be Common In Benidorm

There is some truth in the saying 'Red sky in the morning sailor's warning' or "shepherd's pie" if you're a div like my well-nourished maid of all work, Carmen, the above photograph was taken last Saturday, later that evening there was torrential rain and thunder storms. I haven't been sleeping too good, my fat arsed, over cushioned maid has been keeping me awake at night with her incessant snoring.

Brown toilet paper have you ever seen the likes?
(You can't tell it's brown from the photograph and you couldn't tell if it needed wiping again, just to be on the safe side and for peace of mind, I used the bidet.

She's all dressed up and ready to fall in love.

The ideal footwear for showing him who's boss.

A staff member at the hotel du bonbon, her friendly, fun appearance belied her true character, which was carping.

Thursday 21 December 2023

Happy Christmas!

No expense spared on Christmas decorations at the Cita Centre, Gran Canaria.

Monday 4 December 2023

Saturday 25 November 2023

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Taken at the Castle Tea Room, York.

Yesterday was yet another American tradition that has spread around the world, Black Friday, and it's one I welcome with open arms. After spending an exhausting afternoon traipsing the heaving streets of York I thought I would spoil my maid with a cup of tea and a slice of cake, nothing gladdens the heart more than an old fashioned non-chain cafe that serves tea in the traditional way, in a tea pot with the sort of cup and saucers your nanna would have had 'for best' and served by a motherly figure wearing a tabard, she brought the tea tray and cakes to the table with a cheery 'there you go love' that's Yorkshire for bon appetite.  You'll never get sort of service from those soulless coffeehouse chains, talking of which, I was in one last week, not by choice, I was meeting friends, I ordered a cup of tea and was presented with a mug of hot water with a teabag floating in it, no teapot, can you imagine that? If it wasn't for my friends who were waiting patiently for me to join them, I would have walked out in disgust. Another thing I despise about those establishments is the enforced servility of the staff, 'enjoy your tea/coffee etc, have a nice day' you're on minimum wage, why should you fucking care if I enjoy my tea or not, of course I don't voice what I'm thinking, otherwise I'd be locked up, but I did yesterday, as I entered a Ralph Lauren shop, the door bitch was proudly boasting that "there's 25% off everything in store today", so I asked her, does that mean everything was 25% overpriced to start with? I didn't wait for her reply. Whilst unfolding the polo shirts, I over heard two woman talking about Brenda Lee and the song Rocking Around The Christmas Tree that was playing in the shop at the time, it went something like this: 

Ere, you know lass singing this song?
Yer, it's good innit?
She's just released it's first ever video forrit 65 years after she recorded it.
Eee fancy! I thought she were dead.
Me too.
What wor it like, have you seen it?
Yer, it wor crap.

Friday 22 September 2023

Where Are You?

I hear you ask. I'm here!


Tuesday 25 July 2023

Dahlia on the Piano

                                                     For your viewing pleasure.

From the garden. A whopping 10 incher! Strawberry Ice dahlia, Barbara Cartland would have loved it, with festival white Gypsophila.


Sunday 9 July 2023

Jelly On A Plate...

You may be wondering why I'm showing you a picture of my grandad's old walking stick, I recently bought a skipping rope with a built in LCD display including a mode that counts how many jumps you've done, my goal was to perform 1000 jumps a day, a bit ambitious for someone who has never skipped before, Thursday evening I was on my 934th jump when I heard something that sounded like a bread knife piercing through a cabbage, I felt something give in my right calf and I was brought down to my knees (a bit like in Bears Bar but only quicker), the next day, Friday I became a cripple, my legs refused to work, I could stand and shuffle my feet but that's all, it reminded me of the time I took a short cut through a farmer's freshly ploughed field and became stuck in the mud, unable to move. I've been using the stick to get around the house, though never in public, thanks to some Ibuprofen gel, it has greatly improved and I'm able to walk unaided.

In my incapacitated state I was able to observe my maid of all work doing her household duties, she sprays Mr Sheen on her stockinged toes then goes around the house dusting the skirting boards using her foot (and she has the nerve to call me eccentric), she reminded me of Sue Kent from Gardener's World.

Tuesday 20 June 2023


I would love one of these to adorn my landing at home, it's a maid aquarium. Hotel Platjador, Sitges.
The two friends we met up with, Paul and Darren (aka Sharon and Tracy) live in Blackpool and are cheap and common, hence the 3 star establishment.

Pass the tanning butter. Yesterday at Bridlington. I was topless sunbathing with the maid in this floral nook, the gentle sound of the waves lulled me to sleep I woke 20 minutes later feeing disorientated, for a few seconds I thought I was back in Sitges, I sat up and saw this sight on the beach and was brought instantly to my senses.

Here comes a bikini whale Ahhhhhhhh!

Wait for me boys! Nooo, don't run away! Distant view of Flamborough.

Note to self, cancel Prime Thurs


Sunday 11 June 2023

Letting It All Hang Out

Get out of the way you silly cow!

 Getting hotter by the day..

Saturday 3 June 2023

Thursday 25 May 2023

Big Tim

Mitzi, my elusive butterfly! Greeted my friend 'Big Tim' in a busy cafe, our meeting wasn't planned, I only popped in for a cup of tea after visiting the dentist, and there he was, with his mother Grace, who is deaf as a post. I didn't know where to put myself, 'sit your fanny down here' he said patting the seat next to his. I met Tim in a pub when I was 18 (just over 10 years ago), standing 5ft 3 and quite slim I asked him why do they call you Big Tim? He pulled down his pants right there in the pub and showed me, 'Ooooh Big Tim' I cooed, it was like a baby's arm clutching a Cadbury's Creme Egg. 

To be on the same wave length as Tim you need alcohol and lots of it, I don't drink during the day. He was looking tanned so I asked if he'd been on holiday 'If you check your emails once in a while darling, you would know... he gave a rare pause from talking and gave me a theatrical glare, slowly turning his head away from me with his nose in the air (affected thespian!) though I don't know why I bother because you never reply to them.' he further added. He calls me his elusive butterfly (soft sod and slightly creepy) because I don't use Facebook, I once made the mistake of joining Friends Reunited and was inundated with people I hadn't seen in years wanting to meet up for a coffee, that put me off social media for life, seeing people I went to school with, looking so much older than myself, depressing. It's a bit of a bitchfest too, don't you think? When you're in company and someone says 'Do you remember so-so? Well... tap tap tappity tap this is what they look like now' and then we cackle. I apologised to Tim I should have told him I don't use that email address anymore, I've been locked out of yypp_hotmail address for over 2 years, I still use it to fill in my details to leave comments on wordpress etc. I don't have all the security info it needs to recover it, not surprisingly really, past security questions: 

Mother's maiden name? Honey-Saint Moritz. Who's going to guess that?

First pet's name? Princess Ann (without an e)

I have them written down in a book somewhere, can't find the book.

Tuesday 16 May 2023

Room With A View

What did you do over the weekend, I hear you ask? The maid and I went on a 2 day coach tour, taking in the delights of Bury Market, Oswaldtwistle Mills, with an overnight stay at the Holiday Inn, Bolton, before heading out to Southport the following morning. Feeling adventurous, we gave Bolton's town centre a visit *shudders* and again at the Poundbakery shop I saw there *shudders*! I had seen enough and quickly we made our way back to the sanctuary of the hotel and watched The Eurovision Song Contest with the sound turned off.

Make your own 'council house' terrarium using an old glass jar and soil from the garden, makes an ideal gift for a loved one or for a certain maid with a forthcoming birthday.

Sunday 30 April 2023

Getting A Grip

My mother died earlier this month, quite suddenly but expected, if that makes sense, she suffered from a progressive lung disease for years, but it was congested heart failure that took her, so it's been an upsetting and stressful time, hence my absence from blogland. 

It hasn't been a month yet and already the vultures are circling in the form of my late sister's youngest daughter 21. What is it they say? You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family, if only you could. She turned up on my doorstep, uninvited with her boyfriend in tow, (I'll have to make enquires about how she got hold of my address) she was wearing a pink t-shirt, a pair of white ripped jeans and an air of entitlement, oh and a nose ring, that made her look even more like a pig. She sat there with folded arms and an expectant glint in her gimlet porcine like eyes, she made no attempt at conversation, just sat there occasionally twanging at her bracelet and looking down at the floor, he kept looking at his watch and sighing. Money wasn't mentioned but it was obvious what they came for I doubt she had the nerve to ask seeing as I was glaring at the girl with contempt. I hope I never see or hear from her again, I know it's a wicked thing to say about a family member but I don't like her, I've never liked her, she was a sly and grasping child, even more so as an adult.

Later that evening, my suspicions were confirmed I got a text message from the tub of lard asking me 'What's happening to all Grandmar's [sic] (thick bitch!) money, because I'm saving-up for a house'. As you can imagine I replied via telephone using language that would have made a stevedore blush.

Saturday 25 March 2023


This is the scene that greeted me each morning, peering apprehensively at the weather from the bedroom window at the Old Ship hotel, Brighton, it was a bit nippy there to say the least, I only brought a cheap flimsy hoodie with me, Superdry, it was Superwet after getting caught in a downpour and taking shelter for an hour on Madeira Terrace, shivering me tits off and talking to a tramp, my beautiful hair hanging like rat's tails. Yes Scarlet that is Aiden Turner advertising his play at the Theatre Royal, Brighton, March 28 - April 1. On the morning we left (Friday) the weather improved greatly. Typical!