Friday, 7 August 2020

Tree echium

I'm thinking about growing some Tree echium for the front garden, next year. Give the neighbours something to talk about!

Thursday, 6 August 2020

Carmen's Creed

My maid of all work has become very uppity since moving to a house with a higher council tax band than the last one. Tuesday (or chewessdee as my maid pronounces it) morning, she came bursting into my bedroom without knocking, carrying the breakfast tray and reeking of Aventus Creed, my Aventus Creed! I narrowed my eyes at her and with my lips pressed hard together to form a mean slit, I can do that now the Botox has worn off, I picked up the porridge and lobbed it at her head. That's for taking liberties with my Creed.

Again, this morning, she came in smelling of it, it can't be mine she's wearing, I've hidden it. I came downstairs and found this on the kitchen table.
Perfumer's Choice No 9  I picked it up and sprayed some on the back of my hand, it smells amazing, just like the real Creed, she bought it from Amazon £12.50.  By keeping silent she had fooled me into thinking it was the real thing, if she had said from the start that she is wearing a cheap Creed knockoff, I would have said it smells nothing like it, she's is getting very cunning.

Tuesday, 28 July 2020

Wisteria Hysteria

 At the bottom of the garden a neighbour's wisteria spills out over the fence into my garden, I wanted to take some cuttings from it, if I can't go to the Mediterranean, then I will bring the Mediterranean to me. I went online to learn about propagating Wisteria, watched a few Youtube videos on the subject and then went for it. Quite easy really, I cut half an inch below a leaf node and half an inch above to create a T-bar, I wounded the stalk with a knife and stuck it in a mixture of 50% perlite 50% cutting compost and placed it in an homemade propagator (Yorkshire caution) a 2' plastic storage container with cling film stretched over it. Every day for over a month I fussed round it, misting it's leaves 3 times a day, making sure it didn't dry out, that it had enough light, not too hot, on Saturday morning I noticed that new growth had sprung up, I was thrilled. 

I had a visitor this morning, a lesbian friend of mine who owns a garden centre (more of a shop really with an outside bit) her wife tends to the shop and she does gardening jobs, she often tends to my mother's unruly bushes, both front and rear. I showed her my wisteria cuttings, she took the pot and looked at it and then looked at me from over the rim of her glasses and told me it's not a Wisteria, but a common jasmine.

I've been playing nurse maid to something common. 

Jasminum officinale
I shall pot them on as they grow, but my hearts not in it. When I came home this afternoon these were waiting for me on the front door step, Wisteria Alba, a house warming present.

I moved them  round to the back garden, away from the neighbour's jealous gaze.

Tuesday, 19 May 2020


I have given Carmen the task of choosing the wallpaper for my new house, have I lost my marbles? Though it pains me to say it, when it comes to selecting wallpapers, my maid of all work does have good taste. I remember a disparaging remark made some years ago about my past wallpaper choice, by an acid tongued friend of mine, he cut me to the quick by saying the bark effect blown vinyl I had in my living room is the same they have in Trades Hotel in Blackpool.

I've given my maid strict orders, no Wilko, no B&M Bargains, no chintzy florals or Damask (I see creepy faces in it) nothing with birds on  and *shudders* bark effect blown vinyl. The only choosing I'll be doing will be for my own bedroom and I need your help, I can't make up my mind, out of the selection of wallpapers below which one should I go for? If you are stuck for something to do, feel free to browse the links below and suggest a suitable paper. Don't fall for it, she only wants you to trawl through countless pages of wallpaper so she doesn't have to. Yes thank you Carmen, I'll have no more asides from you.

John Lewis
Graham and Brown

Do The Stretch Green

Zebra White and Gold
I just threw this one in, to see if you are paying attention.

Betula Blush and Rose Gold

Animal Print, too common?

Tropical Parakeet suitable for a bedroom?

Hourglass Night or Hanging Bats as I like to call it.

Sunday, 3 May 2020


Limber up your green phalanges by pointing a camera at any flower, foilage, plant, tree, bark and fruit and this wonderful PlantNet app will tell you what it is and gives you advice on how to grow it. I give this app a 9/10 because it identified 9 out of the 10 plants correctly. I scanned a picture of my mother just to see what would happen and a picture of Cerastium  (Snow in Summer) popped up.

Waitrose's finest. Mammillaria Gracilis also known as the ‘Thimble Cactus’.

One it got wrong. It thought my Easter flowering cactus was a fuchsia. This is the same plant I had forgot to bring indoors one winter, it survived the Beast from the East, it got me thinking can these be planted outside? I might try it.

This was the mysterious bulb I found lying in the gutter, opposite the Yorkshire Trading Company in Driffield, it must have rolled out of a ripped bag from their outdoor display, I took it home and planted it up, and a month or so later it started to shoot, it has been identified as a Eucomis, Pineapple Lily.

Thursday, 30 April 2020

Fighting The Flab

Since the C-word (coronavirus) or Wuhan flu to give it's proper name, entered our lives I've been leading a more sedentary, inactive lifestyle, I've taken to couch living like a duck to water, watching all the old game shows on Challenge, Bruce Forsyth on The Price Is Right and laughing at the crappy prizes on Bullseye and Family Fortunes, is it just me or were the men in the 80s more attractive then? I haven't been to the gym in over a month and have gained a whopping 6lbs, I'm now 12 stone 13lbs, there I've said it. Another television programme I've become obsessed with since my massive weight gain is My 600lb Life (only in America!) I have never seen such a bunch of humourless, self pitying cunts in all my life, I thought fat people were suppose to be jolly, they even have sad piano music playing throughout to accompany their whinging narrative which is suppose to make us feel sorry for them, they blame everybody but themselves for the predicament they are in. I would like to see a British version of this programme narrated by Dave Lamb, instead of sad piano music, how about a rousing BOM bom BOM bom on the kettledrums when you see them trudge to the fridge for food and when they bend down to pick something up it should be to the sound of a Swanee whistle. I'll be needing the services of Dr Now if this lockdown continues for much longer. Can you imagine?

That was lovely Carmen, I could eat it again.

Sunday, 26 April 2020

Learn Something New

A new skill I've learnt during the Coronavirus lockdown.

Saturday, 28 March 2020

Carmen's Council House Souflee

Mug from Home bargains

This delightful pudding can be made using ingredients taken from Morrison's condiment station, barring the flour. It's one of Carmen's favourites.


2 sachets of Morrison's Mayonnaise
8 sachets of Morrison's Sugar or to taste
4-5 cartons of UHT milk/cream
2 heaped tablespoons of self-raising flour

Mix everything together in a mug, mixture should be the consistency of honey, if too thick, add water. Cook in the microwave on high for 1 minute and serve with tinned custard.

Saturday, 29 February 2020

Still Game

Why do you have a picture of Edith out of Still Game as your header, I hear you ask? It's to remind myself I lent out the brilliant Still Game box set to a friend and I've been waiting impatiently for it's return. I've only recently discovered this outrageous comedy and it's already topped Mitzi's personal top 10 comedies pushing Last Of The Summer Wine to 2nd position and poor old Benidorm out of the top 10 ten altogether. I think I like it.

Series 1 episode 4 Courtin.

Best of Isa here

Friday, 7 February 2020

Lynsey De Paul - Sugar Me

Great song to strip to.

Tuesday, 24 December 2019

Friday, 20 December 2019

Shazza's Challenge

Being the CEO of Street Whores Ltd I felt it was my duty to interact with my employees, get to know them better and listen to what they have to say, I donned a cunning disguise, a fedora hat on a jaunty angle and a floor length camel hair coat and took to Clitbridge-on-the-Froth with a film crew in tow and this is what one of my girls had to say.

There was this one guy, he asked me if I would put my whole hand up his arse, and I told him to fuckoff, no, ?&$? no, no, no, no, if I can't put a johnnie (condom) on it or protect myself, then no I'm not doing it. So then he come back about four weeks later with a cucumber, and it was like that long, and it was like that fat and he put a johnnie on it and he said I want you to put it up my arse, so I said alright then and I got £50 for it though, so I just put the end bit up, and he's going no I want you to ram it up, all the way, and he took the whole cucumber, and then I said to him, do you want me to throw it? and he put it in his shopping bag and said 'no' he was taking it home for his wife...for tea (dinner). So, his wife has had a cucumber for her tea that had been up his arse.

Tuesday, 17 December 2019

The Female of the Species...

On leaving my mother's house I was given a bag of rubbish to take down to the bin shed, oh the glamour. I opened the shed door and unwittingly walked head first into a spider's web, caking my hauntingly beautiful face with it's sticky white arse threads. I rubbed it off and thought no more of it, unbeknownst to me I had picked up a hitchhiker! On my return home and overheated from my exertions of having to open a bin lid all by myself, I took my jumper off, pulling it over my head, I felt something scurrying, around the back of my neck then on my left ear lobe and then inside the actual ear hole, I could feel and hear it's movements I was shaking my head like something demented, it finally dropped out on the floor, a spider, about the size of a 50p with a big hump on it's back, it looked angry standing up on the very tips of it's legs with it's hump raised, itching for a fight, I stood guide over it whilst Carmen got the hoover out.

The culprit. Thanks to Google Images I was able to identify it as a False Widow Spider.

We've all had that mild ear burning sensation from time to time, there is even a phrase/superstition for it 'My ears are burning" meaning that someone is talking about you behind your back, I must have been the talk of the town as later that evening my ear had tripled in size and had turned purple and burning as if it was on fire, Carmen inspected it and said she could see two lots of puncture marks, luckily I had some antihistamines at hand. The swelling soon went down and after a few days it's returned to normal.

Throbbing and violently tumescent so much so the skin behind my ear started to crack.

Friday, 15 November 2019

Ohhh Marina

RIP Jean Fergusson

Monday, 21 October 2019

More Carry-on Cruising

Washing hanging out to dry in Naples, what a dump. If that was hanging on a line in England, social services would be round in a jiffy to take your kids off you.

Sat in a busy cafĂ© in Livorno, Carmen decided she needed to spend a penny (euphemism for the toilet) she came back a few minutes later with a look of sheer joy on her face, she told me about the toilets and how beautiful they were, "Through that door there" she said gesturing the direction with her head" you enter an open air courtyard full of terracotta pots filled with lavender, their scent will take your breath away, a wisteria vine clings onto a pergola, green marble sink units and gold taps..." say no more Carmen, I could feel the tortoise rousing his curious head (a euphemism for touching cloth) I got up and headed to the door  "Take your phone with you, you might want to take a picture." Was it my imagination, did I see a glint of devilry on Carmen's face. I walked through the door and this is what greeted me and the sound of Carmen's cackling laughter as the door closed behind me.

Too exhausted to join in even though they were playing my song, Sexy and I know it.
That's more like it. Sun loungers with retractable foreskins.