Thursday, 11 August 2022

MUD -Dynamite

I wish they wouldn't  play this song every time I enter the Copper Club, it's becoming embarrassing. 


Tuesday, 9 August 2022

I SPY...

With my beady eye, something beginning with


A lesbian dog frotting her mistress.

Tuesday, 12 July 2022

Happy Birthday Carmen

She plays the Jew's harp beautifully.

It's my maid of all work's birthday today, she read an article recently about mites that live in your face and come out at night while you sleep and have sex, in the hope of starving the 'randy fuckers' of oxygen she applies a peel off face mask 3 times a week.

Thursday, 21 April 2022


When the Mayor of Puerto De La Cruz, Tenerife wrote to me saying a ravishing bronze statue commemorating my long years of personal services to men is to be erected in front of the harbour wall I was on the next plane over there. 

Here I am, depicted as a bawling fishwife. It's like that "Who Will Buy" scene  from Oliver.

If statues could talk.

Nothing ever changes in Puerto de la Cruz it's still stuck in 1978 so here is a post from a few years ago. 

Thursday, 31 March 2022


Not my choice of wallpaper you'll be glad to hear, it's the previous owner's idea of pulchritude, it's decorated throughout the hallway, stairs and landing, it clashes horribly with the carpet. I thought I could live with it, until my maid of all work Carmen, remarked that she can see Baboons faces and arses in the pattern.  

I'm off to warmer climes tomorrow. Back soon!

Sunday, 6 February 2022

Inside, Scent Lingers

My friend Cheryl paid me a visit this morning I was telling her about my recent trip to Harrogate and showed her the expensive purchase I made at an antique shop, a Rene Lalique Blue Saphira Bud Vase £950. She gasped and marvelled at it and gasped again and said how she wished she could afford such a luxury, she was really taken with it. Saying our goodbyes on the door step I told her to wait there a minute, I went back inside grabbed the vase off the mantelpiece, opened the front door and handed it over to Cheryl. I told her to keep it as I cannot justify spending that much money on myself and shut the door on her before she had time to protest. I will have to tell her at some point that it's just an empty reed diffuser I bought for 6 quid from Barnsley market, it still had a whiff of Tuberose about it. The gullible cow!

I think I have found a new vocation in life, as an actress, albeit a hammy one.

Wednesday, 26 January 2022

Pain In The Neck

 Gail in deep distress.

Have you ever fallen asleep in an awkward position and woke up with a crick in your neck? I was telling my mother this morning about my infirmity, she told me to rub some Vicks Vapour rub on the affected area, Vicks! Who does she think I am, Viv Nicolson. I used Bells vapour rub (B&M Bargains 89p). Just because I've moved up a housing band doesn't mean I can loosen the purse strings. In less than 2 hours after applying the unguent the pain had gone from a severe 7 on the pain limitation chart to a mild 3. It worked!

Thursday, 20 January 2022

Cloche Encounters

I was re-potting a fig in the summerhouse this morning, the outside temperature was 5 ºC I was dressed for summer in a pair of joggy bottoms, a flimsy t-shirt and a pair of ADIDAS sliders with stripy socks, yes I did look a sketch. I didn't intend to stay out for longer than 5 min. From inside the shed I could see Carmen getting the car out the garage I also saw her driving away, she had an appointment to see the podiatrist at 10:30, five minutes later, I made my way to the house only to discover she had locked the French doors and had put the crook lock on the handles for good measure. I was livid. What am I going to do now? The stupid bitch has locked me out, I looked through the kitchen window, no key in the back door meant she had locked it and taken the keys with her, my key was in the front door and locked. The garden gate is pad locked I could put a chair up against the wall and climb over it but what's the use, my mobile and money are indoors I can't walk to my mothers for the spare key, Thursday is her social, she won't be in, I'll just have to sit it out in the shed and that's what I did, for 2 and a half hours!

What did you do to amuse yourself I hear you ask? I sat in this chair and after a while I got up and sat on the stool. NB The above plastic chair was left by the previous owners of the house.
A wooden stool painted white.

I was so cold I took the fleece bag off the Brugmansia made a slit in it for my head and sat there with it on. Finally, after an age I heard the car pull up the drive, it was Carmen, her jaw slackened when she saw me through the metal gate, still wearing the bag and looking like something from Wizbit. She said she called out to me, to say she was leaving and could have sworn I had answered her. There was a pause, then she said 'Do you think it was stone tape theory?' That's when the air turned blue.


Sunday, 16 January 2022


Mid terrace house
2 bed
£150.000 - £175.000!
click here for more details

Wednesday, 12 January 2022

When We Were Young

 Mitzi laments her lost youth.

What's with the electricity pylons, how do they symbolize lost youth or do they have darker connotations?

Saturday, 8 January 2022

Note to Self!

Don't ever buy buckwheat penne again, it has the slimy texture of slugs and they look like aortic valves of dead sheep.

Sunday, 19 December 2021

Gleaming Red Balls...

For your festive viewing pleasure.


Friday, 26 November 2021

Back Soon!



I've just asked the maid to put the heating on as it's a bit nippy in here, no not the fire, the candle.

Saturday, 6 November 2021

She Sits and Sews

Where have you been? I hear you ask. Nowhere. I've been busy with a new hobby. I recently bought a sewing machine, not a top notch one, just a cheapo for practicing on, I've been teaching myself the rudiments using step by step guides and watching numerous Youtube videos, it hasn't been easy, learning to drive was a doddle compared with learning to use a sewing machine, after weeks of tears of frustration I've learnt what a bobbin is and what it does, it's that little round thing that goes under the whatsit and you have to remove a slider to get to it. I actually thought a spool of cotton was the bobbin when I first started (yes really!). I haven't made anything yet, I have been taking random shirts out of Carmen's wardrobe and making slight alterations to them, taking them in an inch or two from the sides seams, to make her think she's putting weight on, she hasn't twigged yet.

Note to self: Never drink and write.