Wednesday, 30 November 2022

The Common Touch

It's the same the whole world over,                                             
It's the poor what gets the blame, 
It's the rich what gets the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bleeding shame
                                                            Billy Bennet

Carmen at the foodbank.

When my maid of all work Carmen, didn't show up with my breakfast tray this morning at 7am prompt I knew there was something wrong, I waited until 2 minutes past 7 the clapper inside my hand bell is missing so I had to make my way downstairs. I found Carmen slumped on a chair with her head lolled to one side, my first thought was she's had a stroke, how utterly selfish, who's going to do the hoovering and make the beds now? To my relief, it wasn't a stroke, she explained how she got up during the night to spend a penny and fell asleep whilst sat on the toilet, she is suffering from a crick in the neck. She sometimes forgets about her ailment and turns her head sharply to look at me resulting in a deafening yowl. She's had me in fits all day.

It doesn't end there. Wednesday afternoon is Carmen's half day off, she volunteers her services at a food bank delivering food parcels to the poor and needy, she couldn't drive in her condition, so she asked me if I'll do the round for her, yes ME! She said it'll only take an hour at most and I will get to meet Rob with the big knob, who's in his early 20s he wears tight jogging bottoms that leave nothing to the imagination, still pleading, she said that'll be able to see how the other half live, it'll be a right eye opener! With thoughts of Rob in his tight joggers I agreed to do it, but I won't wear a lanyard. I used Carmen's Toyota Yaris hybrid it's more economical than mine.

Visit 1. The first person I visited was to a little old lady called Jean with mobility problems and no hallway wallpaper, she asked me if I would put her shopping away for her, it's something Carmen does, but what Carmen failed to notice was that Jean had 6 bags of unopened pasta taking up space in her cupboard, I brought it to Jean's attention, she said she doesn't eat "foreign muck" I took the pasta, 7 bags in all and exchanged them for Pringles, Elizabeth Shaw's mint crisp, 3 tins of baked beans, rice pudding and a Swiss roll, you would have thought I had given her the world. More importantly she said she preferred me to Carmen.

Visit 2. Mrs Cooper opened her front door, I was greeted with woodchip wallpaper, the top half was painted pink with a floral border in the middle, the bottom half of the wallpaper was painted yellow. Blue carpet tiles. I've seen John Constable's The Hay Wain many years ago at the National Gallery, it hangs a lot better in Mrs Cooper's hallway where it doubles up as a clock. Exquisite.

Visit 3. Mally 2nd floor flat, bike on landing. Carmen should have warned me about this one, he was amiable enough, but he could talk the hind legs off a donkey, telling me all about his divorce that has left him "without a pot to piss in".

Visit 4. The Dinsdales. 

They was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread.
And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

    Except Ms Dinsdale wasn't an old woman she was a 22-year-old with four children. She was sat outside with her partner smoking a roll-up when I trudged up the garden path with 5 bags, he came and took the bags from me, letting his strong, muscled arm brush against mine in the process, then he told me him and her weren't an item, he just goes round every now and then to "give her one". The audacious Jezabel! Thinking about it, with his chiselled jaw and blonde hair he could have given me one, right there and then on the concrete floor of Ms Dinsdale's living room.

Visit 5. Mrs Craggs wore a house coat similar to Nora Batty's, she had a pale green pallor of a death-cap toadstool and she seemed very surprised and grateful when I gave her the bags, I hope I had given them to the right person, those pensioners bungalows all look the same to me. I made a quick call to Carmen and she confirmed it was the right person and told me there's a touch of the Hyacinths about her, she likes to give the impression that she is Mrs Craggs' carer rather than Mrs Craggs herself. 

Visit 6. Mrs Calvert. She answered the door with food on her face. Her garden was furnished with gnomes, pottery dogs, donkey planters and other horrors I can't begin to describe, She's from a coarser generation. 

Visit 7. Mrs Hines was decorating a Christmas tree in her bungalow window, I could hear her singing along to the Supremes song Up The Ladder To The Roof but in her broad Yorkshire accent it was "Up Ladder T'Roof". Jane MacDonald eat your gusset out!

"It'll only take an hour" she said. It took me over 2 to deliver 18 bags of shite to seven households. Never again.

Top Top
Cheese spread can be made from as little as 35p using Aldi's cheese sauce mix. Simply follow the instruction on the cheese sauce packet and leave to cool for a bit then pour it into an empty Dairylea container, "Me bairns (plural noun, meaning children), love it" Shaz from the foodbank.

Wednesday, 19 October 2022

Frizzy Lizzie

A scene that greeted me yesterday afternoon. 

It would be great to get up in a morning, take a look in the mirror and say oh fuck it, that'll do.

Thursday, 29 September 2022

Wooden Cocks

I received a notification on my phone this morning, letting me know I have a new holiday memory.

You have a new memory: Benidorm, indoor market August 13th, 2022
How lovely.


Sunday, 25 September 2022

Hotel Room Art

Where to view: Bellver Hotel Palma, Mallorca. Make art with your left over Polyfilla? Simply divide the mixture into two bowls, squeeze teabag juice in one and stir until the desired colour is achieved, with the other you could use some coffee grounds, slap it on haphazardly with a palette knife over a stretched canvas, et voila, 50 quid please. The Works have a fine selection of canvasses on offer at reasonable prices.

I quite like the above artwork; I just thought it could have done with a bit of something, some colour or copper fragments in it. I have seen worse in hotel rooms, such as the ubiquitous close-up of a flower that screams Wilkos.

Artwork above the beds.

The maid and I are both nursing colds, we caught it off a French woman (not in a lesbian way) she forced her way into the lift with us on the morning we were leaving Palma, I noticed her eyes were rheumy and she was sniffling a lot and then the arrogant she-frog began to sneeze, her lanyard said she was with the Laforet convention (French estate agents), I could have throttled her with it. The next day back at home I could feel that familiar tingling sensation in my nose, usually the first signs of a cold and the day after that full blown catarrh, with extra dripping. I'm over the worse now, so I'll put away my bed jacket. 

Tuesday, 20 September 2022

Table with a View

View from El Fogon restaurant Palma. I didn't say anything to Carmen, just pursed my lips and pointed with my head at the sight across the road and then we gave each other a knowing look.


Friday, 16 September 2022

I'll Save em For My Holidays

Photograph taken on the articulated bus that takes you from the aeroplane to the airport and vice versa.

As children we were never allowed to wear new clothes at Christmas, it was one of my mother's little idiosyncrasies, she didn't want the neighbours to think it was the only time we ever got new clothes, so we had to wait til Feb 1st to open our 80s casuals. Now I'm an adult I too have developed some of my mother's foibles I observe other people's footwear at airports to see if they are wearing new shoes for their holiday and the majority of them are.

I had to help my maid of all work Carmen out of the bath last night, she has a frozen shoulder, it wasn't a pretty sight.

Thursday, 11 August 2022

MUD -Dynamite

I wish they wouldn't  play this song every time I enter the Copper Club, it's becoming embarrassing. 


Tuesday, 9 August 2022

I SPY...

With my beady eye, something beginning with


A lesbian dog frotting her mistress.

Tuesday, 12 July 2022

Happy Birthday Carmen

She plays the Jew's harp beautifully.

It's my maid of all work's birthday today, she read an article recently about mites that live in your face and come out at night while you sleep and have sex, in the hope of starving the 'randy fuckers' of oxygen she applies a peel off face mask 3 times a week.

Thursday, 21 April 2022


When the Mayor of Puerto De La Cruz, Tenerife wrote to me saying a ravishing bronze statue commemorating my long years of personal services to men is to be erected in front of the harbour wall I was on the next plane over there. 

Here I am, depicted as a bawling fishwife. It's like that "Who Will Buy" scene  from Oliver.

If statues could talk.

Nothing ever changes in Puerto de la Cruz it's still stuck in 1978 so here is a post from a few years ago. 

Thursday, 31 March 2022


Not my choice of wallpaper you'll be glad to hear, it's the previous owner's idea of pulchritude, it's decorated throughout the hallway, stairs and landing, it clashes horribly with the carpet. I thought I could live with it, until my maid of all work Carmen, remarked that she can see Baboons faces and arses in the pattern.  

I'm off to warmer climes tomorrow. Back soon!

Sunday, 6 February 2022

Inside, Scent Lingers

My friend Cheryl paid me a visit this morning I was telling her about my recent trip to Harrogate and showed her the expensive purchase I made at an antique shop, a Rene Lalique Blue Saphira Bud Vase £950. She gasped and marvelled at it and gasped again and said how she wished she could afford such a luxury, she was really taken with it. Saying our goodbyes on the door step I told her to wait there a minute, I went back inside grabbed the vase off the mantelpiece, opened the front door and handed it over to Cheryl. I told her to keep it as I cannot justify spending that much money on myself and shut the door on her before she had time to protest. I will have to tell her at some point that it's just an empty reed diffuser I bought for 6 quid from Barnsley market, it still had a whiff of Tuberose about it. The gullible cow!

I think I have found a new vocation in life, as an actress, albeit a hammy one.

Wednesday, 26 January 2022

Pain In The Neck

 Gail in deep distress.

Have you ever fallen asleep in an awkward position and woke up with a crick in your neck? I was telling my mother this morning about my infirmity, she told me to rub some Vicks Vapour rub on the affected area, Vicks! Who does she think I am, Viv Nicolson. I used Bells vapour rub (B&M Bargains 89p). Just because I've moved up a housing band doesn't mean I can loosen the purse strings. In less than 2 hours after applying the unguent the pain had gone from a severe 7 on the pain limitation chart to a mild 3. It worked!

Thursday, 20 January 2022

Cloche Encounters

I was re-potting a fig in the summerhouse this morning, the outside temperature was 5 ºC I was dressed for summer in a pair of joggy bottoms, a flimsy t-shirt and a pair of ADIDAS sliders with stripy socks, yes I did look a sketch. I didn't intend to stay out for longer than 5 min. From inside the shed I could see Carmen getting the car out the garage I also saw her driving away, she had an appointment to see the podiatrist at 10:30, five minutes later, I made my way to the house only to discover she had locked the French doors and had put the crook lock on the handles for good measure. I was livid. What am I going to do now? The stupid bitch has locked me out, I looked through the kitchen window, no key in the back door meant she had locked it and taken the keys with her, my key was in the front door and locked. The garden gate is pad locked I could put a chair up against the wall and climb over it but what's the use, my mobile and money are indoors I can't walk to my mothers for the spare key, Thursday is her social, she won't be in, I'll just have to sit it out in the shed and that's what I did, for 2 and a half hours!

What did you do to amuse yourself I hear you ask? I sat in this chair and after a while I got up and sat on the stool. NB The above plastic chair was left by the previous owners of the house.
A wooden stool painted white.

I was so cold I took the fleece bag off the Brugmansia made a slit in it for my head and sat there with it on. Finally, after an age I heard the car pull up the drive, it was Carmen, her jaw slackened when she saw me through the metal gate, still wearing the bag and looking like something from Wizbit. She said she called out to me, to say she was leaving and could have sworn I had answered her. There was a pause, then she said 'Do you think it was stone tape theory?' That's when the air turned blue.


Sunday, 16 January 2022


Mid terrace house
2 bed
£150.000 - £175.000!
click here for more details