Friday, 26 February 2021

Current Mood


 

Dolly on the Dustcart by Pam Ayres

I'm the dolly on the dustcart,
I can see you're not impressed,
I'm fixed above the driver's cab,
With wire across me chest,
The dustman see, he noticed me,
Going in the grinder,
And he fixed me on the lorry,
I dunno if that was kinder.

This used to be a lovely dress,
In pink and pretty shades,
But it's torn now, being on the cart,
And black as the ace of spades,
There's dirt all round me face,
And all across me rosy cheeks,
Well, I've had me head thrown back,
But we ain't had no rain for weeks.

I used to be a 'Mama' doll,
Tipped forward, I'd say, 'Mum'
But the rain got in me squeaker,
And now I been struck dumb,
I had two lovely blue eyes,
But out in the wind and weather,
One's sunk back in me head like,
And one's gone altogether.

I'm not a soft, flesh coloured dolly,
Modern children like so much,
I'm one of those hard old dollies,
What are very cold to touch,
Modern dolly's underwear,
Leaves me a bit nonplussed,
I haven't got a bra,
But then I haven't got a bust!

But I was happy in that doll's house,
I was happy as a Queen,
I never knew that Tiny Tears,
Was coming on the scene,
I heard of dolls with hair that grew,
And I was quite enthralled,
Until I realised my head
Was hard and pink... and bald.

So I travel with the rubbish,
Out of fashion, out of style,
Out of me environment,
For mile after mile,
No longer prized... dustbinised!
Unfeminine, Untidy,
I'm the dolly on the dustcart,
And there's no collection Friday

Thursday, 18 February 2021

Churls Without Pearls

THIS CUNTRY'S LIFE
VOL MMVIII NO1, FEBRUARY 18, 2021


Miss Donna-Marie Duffield 

Donna-Marie is a fish fryer and server at the Happy Haddock fish and chip shop in the sleepy seaside town of Withernsea. She like lads and scrap butties. She is the daughter of Chantelle Duffield of Withernsea, East Yorkshire.

 

Friday, 12 February 2021

A Taste of Hull - Scrap Butty


I have a friend who lives in Hull (someone has to), he sent me a picture of a Hull delicacy, with the caption "Fancy a scrap butty?" Fearing a fainting spell at the word "butty" I rummaged through my reticule for the hartshorn, thankfully the feeling had passed by the time I had fished it out. What are scraps? I hear you ask. They are the batter bits left over from all that fish frying in fish and chip shops, they are usually free of charge.

Wednesday, 27 January 2021

Edible Borders


Are you are looking for something gay and colourful to plant in your summer borders this year that doesn't cost the Earth? Then look no further than the supermarket veg aisle and keep your eyes peeled for Jerusalem Artichokes, they are neither artichokes, nor from Jerusalem, they are native to North America and are perennial sunflowers, producing tall thick stems that reach 6-10 feet high, loaded with yellow flowers, smaller than the sunflowers we all know but just as striking. I bought a bag of them today from the discounted shelf at Sainsbury's £1.50 reduced to 25p I just hope nobody saw me.

If you have got the space Taro root, turmeric and ginger make attractive plants too, you might have to go to Waitrose for them, take advantage of those serve yourself tills, place the taro root, ginger and turmeric together into one of those net bags they provide and put them through as bananas the whole bundle will cost less than 80p.

Thursday, 29 October 2020

Bath



I'm still trying to make sense about what happened in our hotel room in Bath. I'm very sceptical about ghosts, there is always a logical explanation for those clicks and clangs and wailing sounds in the middle of the night, but there are some things that defy explanation. I was admiring myself in the floor length cheval mirror situated in the hallway opposite the bathroom door, when Carmen (or so I thought) brushed by without an excuse me, I turned to give her a brusque 'Charming!' only to cut myself off midway when I saw she was seated at a table, deeply engrossed on her ipad when I turned back to face the mirror, it had swung on its hinges and was facing the ceiling. 'Yes please, I'd love one' came the maid's reply. Like what? cried I. A cup of char, said the maid. Talk about keeping a dog and barking yourself,
feeling rattled and trying not to show it, I made tea, I also gave her a choice of the hotel's complementary biscuits, individually sealed for freshness, she opted for the Chocolate chip, I gave her the Viennese Swirls".

I was in fits at the decor. 

Oozing with style and elegance.

Rest assured dear readers, those beds were pulled well apart.
.

Who's a pretty boy then? 



Looks like a challenge.

Unable to recharge my cultural batteries in Benidorm amid the present difficulties, the maid and I decided to go away, down south, it made a pleasant change. 

Day 1. Stratford Upon Avon
Day 2. Bristol
Day 3. Weston Super Mare
Day 4. Bodmin
Day 5. Falmouth
Day 8. Bath
Day 9. Stratford
Back home.

Monday, 28 September 2020

Give Peace Lily A Chance...

A friend called round on spec yesterday to have a nosy at my new house, it was the maid's half day off, so I had to answer the door myself, my heart sank when my friend presented me with a Peace lily, one of Morrison's finest, I tried hard not to let disgust show on my face, not an easy task, I thanked him profusely and told him it'll take pride of place on the kitchen window ledge, I thought to myself, what a phoney bastard I am, I know exactly where that thing is going. I woke this morning to the sound of magpies tormenting me with their incessant gekkering, when I became fully roused I realised it wasn't the magpies at all, it was my maid of all work Carmen, talking at the front door to a neighbour, a couple of minutes later there was a knock on my bedroom door, she asked me if I knew anything about a plant that had been left on next door neighbours doorstep.


Gone to a good home.

 

Friday, 7 August 2020

Tree echium

I'm thinking about growing some Tree echium for the front garden, next year. Give the neighbours something to talk about!


Thursday, 6 August 2020

Carmen's Creed

My maid of all work has become very uppity since moving to a house with a higher council tax band than the last one. Tuesday (or chewessdee as my maid pronounces it) morning, she came bursting into my bedroom without knocking, carrying the breakfast tray and reeking of Aventus Creed, my Aventus Creed! I narrowed my eyes at her and with my lips pressed hard together to form a mean slit, I can do that now the Botox has worn off, I picked up the porridge and lobbed it at her head. That's for taking liberties with my Creed.



Again, this morning, she came in smelling of it, it can't be mine she's wearing, I've hidden it. I came downstairs and found this on the kitchen table.
Perfumer's Choice No 9  I picked it up and sprayed some on the back of my hand, it smells amazing, just like the real Creed, she bought it from Amazon £12.50.  By keeping silent she had fooled me into thinking it was the real thing, if she had said from the start that she is wearing a cheap Creed knockoff, I would have said it smells nothing like it, she's is getting very cunning.

Tuesday, 28 July 2020

Wisteria Hysteria

 At the bottom of the garden a neighbour's wisteria spills out over the fence into my garden, I wanted to take some cuttings from it, if I can't go to the Mediterranean, then I will bring the Mediterranean to me. I went online to learn about propagating Wisteria, watched a few Youtube videos on the subject and then went for it. Quite easy really, I cut half an inch below a leaf node and half an inch above to create a T-bar, I wounded the stalk with a knife and stuck it in a mixture of 50% perlite 50% cutting compost and placed it in an homemade propagator (Yorkshire caution) a 2' plastic storage container with cling film stretched over it. Every day for over a month I fussed round it, misting it's leaves 3 times a day, making sure it didn't dry out, that it had enough light, not too hot, on Saturday morning I noticed that new growth had sprung up, I was thrilled. 

I had a visitor this morning, a lesbian friend of mine who owns a garden centre (more of a shop really with an outside bit) her wife tends to the shop and she does gardening jobs, she often tends to my mother's unruly bushes, both front and rear. I showed her my wisteria cuttings, she took the pot and looked at it and then looked at me from over the rim of her glasses and told me it's not a Wisteria, but a common jasmine.


I've been playing nurse maid to something common. 

Jasminum officinale
I shall pot them on as they grow, but my hearts not in it. When I came home this afternoon these were waiting for me on the front door step, Wisteria Alba, a house warming present.

I moved them  round to the back garden, away from the neighbour's jealous gaze.

Tuesday, 19 May 2020

Wallpaper



I have given Carmen the task of choosing the wallpaper for my new house, have I lost my marbles? Though it pains me to say it, when it comes to selecting wallpapers, my maid of all work does have good taste. I remember a disparaging remark made some years ago about my past wallpaper choice, by an acid tongued friend of mine, he cut me to the quick by saying the bark effect blown vinyl I had in my living room is the same they have in Trades Hotel in Blackpool.

I've given my maid strict orders, no Wilko, no B&M Bargains, no chintzy florals or Damask (I see creepy faces in it) nothing with birds on  and *shudders* bark effect blown vinyl. The only choosing I'll be doing will be for my own bedroom and I need your help, I can't make up my mind, out of the selection of wallpapers below which one should I go for? If you are stuck for something to do, feel free to browse the links below and suggest a suitable paper. Don't fall for it, she only wants you to trawl through countless pages of wallpaper so she doesn't have to. Yes thank you Carmen, I'll have no more asides from you.

 Wayfair
John Lewis
Graham and Brown

Do The Stretch Green

Zebra White and Gold
I just threw this one in, to see if you are paying attention.

Betula Blush and Rose Gold

Animal Print, too common?

Tropical Parakeet suitable for a bedroom?

Hourglass Night or Hanging Bats as I like to call it.

Sunday, 3 May 2020

PlantNet

Limber up your green phalanges by pointing a camera at any flower, foilage, plant, tree, bark and fruit and this wonderful PlantNet app will tell you what it is and gives you advice on how to grow it. I give this app a 9/10 because it identified 9 out of the 10 plants correctly. I scanned a picture of my mother just to see what would happen and a picture of Cerastium  (Snow in Summer) popped up.

Waitrose's finest. Mammillaria Gracilis also known as the ‘Thimble Cactus’.

One it got wrong. It thought my Easter flowering cactus was a fuchsia. This is the same plant I had forgot to bring indoors one winter, it survived the Beast from the East, it got me thinking can these be planted outside? I might try it.

This was the mysterious bulb I found lying in the gutter, opposite the Yorkshire Trading Company in Driffield, it must have rolled out of a ripped bag from their outdoor display, I took it home and planted it up, and a month or so later it started to shoot, it has been identified as a Eucomis, Pineapple Lily.

Thursday, 30 April 2020

Fighting The Flab

Since the C-word (coronavirus) or Wuhan flu to give it's proper name, entered our lives I've been leading a more sedentary, inactive lifestyle, I've taken to couch living like a duck to water, watching all the old game shows on Challenge, Bruce Forsyth on The Price Is Right and laughing at the crappy prizes on Bullseye and Family Fortunes, is it just me or were the men in the 80s more attractive then? I haven't been to the gym in over a month and have gained a whopping 6lbs, I'm now 12 stone 13lbs, there I've said it. Another television programme I've become obsessed with since my massive weight gain is My 600lb Life (only in America!) I have never seen such a bunch of humourless, self pitying cunts in all my life, I thought fat people were suppose to be jolly, they have sad piano music playing throughout to accompany their whinging narrative which is suppose to make us feel sorry for them, they blame everybody but themselves for the predicament they are in. I would like to see a British version of this programme narrated by Dave Lamb, instead of sad piano music, how about a rousing BOM bom BOM bom on the kettledrums when you see them trudge to the fridge for food and when they bend down to pick something up it should be to the sound of a Swanee whistle. I'll be needing the services of Dr Now if this lockdown continues for much longer. Can you imagine?


That was lovely Carmen, I could eat it again.










Sunday, 26 April 2020

Learn Something New

A new skill I've learnt during the Coronavirus lockdown.


Saturday, 28 March 2020

Carmen's Council House Souflee

Mug from Home bargains

This delightful pudding can be made using ingredients taken from Morrison's condiment station, barring the flour. It's one of Carmen's favourites.

Ingredients:

2 sachets of Morrison's Mayonnaise
8 sachets of Morrison's Sugar or to taste
4-5 cartons of UHT milk/cream
2 heaped tablespoons of self-raising flour

Mix everything together in a mug, mixture should be the consistency of honey, if too thick, add water. Cook in the microwave on high for 1 minute and serve with tinned custard.

Saturday, 29 February 2020

Still Game

Why do you have a picture of Edith out of Still Game as your header, I hear you ask? It's to remind myself I lent out the brilliant Still Game box set to a friend and I've been waiting impatiently for it's return. I've only recently discovered this outrageous comedy and it's already topped Mitzi's personal top 10 comedies pushing Last Of The Summer Wine to 2nd position and poor old Benidorm out of the top 10 ten altogether. I think I like it.

Series 1 episode 4 Courtin.



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