Friday, 26 November 2021

Back Soon!



I've just asked the maid to put the heating on as it's a bit nippy in here, no not the fire, the candle.

Saturday, 6 November 2021

She Sits and Sews

Where have you been? I hear you ask. Nowhere. I've been busy with a new hobby. I recently bought a sewing machine, not a top notch one, just a cheapo for practicing on, I've been teaching myself the rudiments using step by step guides and watching numerous Youtube videos, it hasn't been easy, learning to drive was a doddle compared with learning to use a sewing machine, after weeks of tears of frustration I've learnt what a bobbin is and what it does, it's that little round thing that goes under the whatsit and you have to remove a slider to get to it. I actually thought a spool of cotton was the bobbin when I first started (yes really!). I haven't made anything yet, I have been taking random shirts out of Carmen's wardrobe and making slight alterations to them, taking them in an inch or two from the sides seams, to make her think she's putting weight on, she hasn't twigged yet.

Note to self: Never drink and write.

Sunday, 10 October 2021

Sunday Worship with the Lovely Su Pollard

For all you zealous Jesus freaks out there I give you Sunday worship with the lovely Su Pollard.


I've been looking at Su's IMDB profile and I can't believe she has only got 19 acting credits to her name. I would love to see her in Corrie.

Saturday, 2 October 2021

The Dutch Reach

I've never heard of it either. 

When opening a car door from the inside, use the hand furthest away from the door as it forces you to look behind, helping you to spot any oncoming cyclists, pedestrians and prostitutes or failing that do what I've been doing for the past twenty *cough cough* years and use your wing mirror. My maid of all work Carmen has a glass back, if she made a movement like that she'll be in traction for a month and that won't get the washing-up done or the beds made will it? There is one chore I do enjoy doing and that is hoovering out the garage, sucking up all the cobwebs and spiders, ants and woodlice I like to imagine them all living happily together in the Sebo. 

I've taken time out from learning The Flight of the Bumblebee on the piano to bring you this patronising road safety presentation.

Tuesday, 28 September 2021


This post started life as a comment in Jon's box.  Coke? Cock? You choose (cock of course!). 

My mother lives in a retirement village for the over 60s, a new man has recently* bought the flat opposite hers a "David Hunter" lookalike if you please (I had to google him, he was in Crossroads years ago apparently)

A cock in the henhouse.

My mother and "David" real name Ken, share an entrance hall. My mother has a daily, but has taken to hoovering the outside entrance hall herself, twice a day in the hope of snaring a few moments with her new neighbour. My mother has had her white hair dyed champagne blonde, she has had her eyebrows micro bladed and is wearing ocelot blouses with chunky jewellery ala Bet Lynch circa 1985, but that's not the saddest thing I've discovered about my mother's wanton behaviour, when I paid her a visit this morning I noticed four round indentation marks in the Berber Twist, just behind her front door, it didn't take me long to work out what made those marks, they're from a wooden stool she uses to stand on when replacing light bulbs, she must sit on it all day long looking out of her spy hole in the middle of the door, desperate for a glimpse of her fantasy paramour. My mother is not the only one acting daft, Patricia who lives in the flat upstairs has had her ratty hair bobbed and Barbara who lives opposite Patricia looks noticeably slimmer.

* I say recently, he has being living there for a few months now.

Thursday, 23 September 2021


I've just returned from Blackpool, it wasn't planned, I had another spontaneous moment, it happened whilst I was in the garden, I was just chucking a few things in the blue bin when I heard seagulls screeching overhead, I was reminded of sunny days at the seaside I went back indoors, told the maid to go online and book a decent hotel in Blackpool, I emphasized the word 'decent' in a slow manner as if addressing a small child with learning difficulties, I still shudder in horror at the time she booked Trades Hotel *shudders* at the memory (No, I don't want to talk about it, the emotional scars have yet to heal) 

We left within the hour.

I'm having problems arranging photographs, so in no particular order:
Cuban heels in Pavers, ideal for dancing at the tower ballroom.

Best Weston Blackpool. Isn't it ridiculous having a bath in the bedroom, especially one in a twin room, luckily there was a proper bathroom with a shower behind that door. I like to do private things while I'm taking a bath, like shave my nether regions, smear my wet lips (facial) with shampoo and blow bubbles and use a douche bulb, I can't very well do all that with Carmen in the same room watching, it would be streamed live to the nation via social media in no time, a few years ago I wouldn't have minded.
Tower for an hour? 

It was nice to see the girls again. View outside the hotel window, despite the greyness the weather was quite pleasant.

There's room to roam at Scarlets!
Pay by the hour? *purses lips*

Sunday, 19 September 2021

Smear Free Windows

Taken at the King Billy public house, Carmen (pictured above) had a pint (her sort usually do) and I had a sweet sherry.

For smear free windows and mirrors, fill a spray bottle with neat vodka, don't use the expensive kind,  Russo Baltique or even Beluga Gold Line will do, spray onto your windows and wipe down with a bit of kitchen roll, you'll be amazed. Use it on your specs too.

Wednesday, 8 September 2021

Monday, 6 September 2021

This Much is True

This is the book I'm frothing at the clopper to read This Much Is True by Miriam Margolyes due to be released on September 16th. I'm not a big fan of autobiographies/biographies I'm not interested in the personal lives of celebrities, however memoirs are quite different, they're nearly always filled with salacious gossip, otherwise why bother. My parsimonious nature won't allow me to fork out £16 for it so I will just have to be patient and wait until I find it in the bargain bin at The Works or better still at the book table in Morrison's or failing that, take it out of my maid of all work's wages, I could always put towards it.

Here is the lovely lady herself reminiscing about the time she met an American soldier!

Sunday, 29 August 2021

Becoming Wet Later On

With his love for pastel colours, fancy brooches and floral accessories and having a sing-song voice and a mincing gait I suspect Owain Wyn Evans could be Welsh.

Here is Owain bashing one out on the drums.

Monday, 23 August 2021


My visit to Dobbies garden centre, York, was further enhanced by this gorgeous piece of artwork found on the back of the toilet door, it's of a beautiful and rare orchid.


Thursday, 19 August 2021

Greetings From Scarborough

I don't know what possessed me, I only nipped out to Tesco Express for a loaf of bread and I ended up catching the train to Scarborough, unchaperoned.

Tuesday, 17 August 2021

Rose de Mort

It's been just over a month since I took six rose cuttings from my sister's memorial rose bush, situated in the garden of remembrance at the cemetery, two of them rotted within days and had to be removed. Shall we see if the remaining four have taken? Fingers crossed!

Strike it lucky, two and a half out of four is not bad, one had lost it's leaves, that'll get binned and another is callousing which is a good sign.

CORRECTIONS & CLARIFICATIONS in my last post titled Flog-em I made a wild claim saying that two members of the public sat waiting for a 'self' valuation were myself and my maid of all work Carmen and in one of the comments I made to Jon I implied I had carnal pleasure with one of Flog It's portly valuers. It's all untrue, I don't know who the ghastly trollops are and I would never buy clothes from a charity shop.

Friday, 13 August 2021


Eagle eyed viewers would have spotted the maid and I trying to sell ourselves on Flog It!

No reserve!