I was re-potting a fig in the summerhouse this morning, the outside temperature was 5 ºC I was dressed for summer in a pair of joggy bottoms, a flimsy t-shirt and a pair of ADIDAS sliders with stripy socks, yes I did look a sketch. I didn't intend to stay out for longer than 5 min. From inside the shed I could see Carmen getting the car out the garage I also saw her driving away, she had an appointment to see the podiatrist at 10:30, five minutes later, I made my way to the house only to discover she had locked the French doors and had put the crook lock on the handles for good measure. I was livid. What am I going to do now? The stupid bitch has locked me out, I looked through the kitchen window, no key in the back door meant she had locked it and taken the keys with her, my key was in the front door and locked. The garden gate is pad locked I could put a chair up against the wall and climb over it but what's the use, my mobile and money are indoors I can't walk to my mothers for the spare key, Thursday is her social, she won't be in, I'll just have to sit it out in the shed and that's what I did, for 2 and a half hours!
What did you do to amuse yourself I hear you ask? I sat in this chair and after a while I got up and sat on the stool. NB The above plastic chair was left by the previous owners of the house.
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| A wooden stool painted white. |
I was so cold I took the fleece bag off the Brugmansia made a slit in it for my head and sat there with it on. Finally, after an age I heard the car pull up the drive, it was Carmen, her jaw slackened when she saw me through the metal gate, still wearing the bag and looking like something from Wizbit. She said she called out to me, to say she was leaving and could have sworn I had answered her. There was a pause, then she said 'Do you think it was stone tape theory?' That's when the air turned blue.
Ooops! How are Carmen's bruises healing? Is she presentable to go out to the night shop for fags yet, or would that take too much concealer?
ReplyDeleteLove the sparseness of that shed. Very Marie Kondo. Only with cheap plastic tat. Jx
PS Straight down to B&M I suggest, and get a heater and an extension lead...
My maid of all work Carmen couldn't apologise enough when she saw me through the bars of the gate looking frail as a dandelion clock, but I'm beginning to doubt her sincerity, every now and then she cups her hands over her face (only her porcine eyes are visible) in the way people do when trying to stifle a laugh. If it wasn't for my good nature and for the fact that hired help is so difficult to come by, she would be black and blue all over.
Delete*Gasps* Cheap plastic tat! I said chair in the singular but there are two of them stuck together, reinforced if you like to take Carmen's weight and I cannot stress this enough, they were left by the previous owners of the house, I didn't buy them, they will be replaced come spring for something tasteful, the stool is wooden and has been painted white and it comes in handy
for standing on when scraping bird shit off the windows.
It's a very attractive shed, complete with a rug, but I would still feel free to beat Carmen about the head and shoulders.
ReplyDeleteI seem to remember you have a penchant for rugs and a very fine collection, this is a Laura Ashley I think it was inspired by Blanche Devereaux's bedroom circa 1985.
DeleteI would have rolled myself up in that carpet.
ReplyDeleteI could have rolled my maid up in it and chucked her off the Humber Bridge.
DeleteI would have sobbed, and then written a post about my lockout experience.
ReplyDeleteSx
I was silent sobbing, the way dogs do that heaving thing when they're bored. If only I had a pen and paper I could have made a start on the novel I promised myself to write, despite my appalling grammar.
DeleteI'd have broken out of the backyard and invited myself over for tea at one of the nearby neighbors houses. It's a great way to meet new friends! Last month my Mother-in-law was at a book group at the Unitarian church and the church office lady accidentally locked them in the back patio area. They propped up a chair and climbed over the fence, three women over 80 and the youngest one at 72. Now when my MIL mentions them, she refers to them as; "My fence climbing gang" Hahaha A bit ruffled, but I'm glad you are all right!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope I'm still nimble and getting my leg over at that age. Would you open the door to someone who looks as though they are wearing a strait jacket?
ReplyDeleteI've opened more than my door to worse.
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