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| She plays the Jew's harp beautifully. |
It's my maid of all work's birthday today, she read an article recently about mites that live in your face and come out at night while you sleep and have sex, in the hope of starving the 'randy fuckers' of oxygen she applies a peel off face mask 3 times a week.
You can tell her from me no amount of face peels is going to help.
ReplyDeleteJx
PS I particularly love the way she "cleans" the house. Why worry about blue-roll spunk rags if they're just swept away under the armchair? The can of fly-spray makes a particularly ironic twist to the scene.
I told her she's wasting her time, what she needs is a solution of caustic soda applied to her face on a regular basis, will also help bring out her cheekbones (literally).
DeleteYeah, tell her not to bother with the face peels, what she needs is a slap of fake tan; a new wig; an ankle length frock; a pair of decent slippers; a new carpet; new furniture; storage cubes; and a roll of wallpaper. She'll be fine - Happy Birthday, Carmen! Make sure Mitzi gets everything on my list - you deserve it!
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New this, new that and the other, I've never heard the likes! She helped herself to the ankle length Margaret Rutherford esque frocks when my great aunt Alice pegged it.
DeleteShe told me she hasn't had "relations" in over a month so I arranged a friend to come over to give her a fall of soot, she was thrilled and later we went for an Indian meal.
Happy whatever birthday Carmen, what's that in dog years?
ReplyDeleteAbout 600 years, she's a bull terrier with lipstick.
DeleteA belated Happy Birthday to Carmen!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Did she make that 'slip' out of the cushion cover?
She bought it from Skirlington Market and carboot, I suspect it came from the carboot end of the market. She bought it as an early Birthday present for herself and I bought her 3 boxes of outdated Godiva chocolates 3 for a £1 from the "stack it high sell it cheap" stall.
DeleteHappy birthday Carmen, sorry for being a bit late.
ReplyDeleteHey - you really bring class to Mitzi's - keep up the good work etcetc.
It's the chintz wallpaper that gives Carmen that touch of class dare I say elegance.
ReplyDeleteHere is my fave fact about the mites from that article in regard to mites being blamed for certain health conditions:
ReplyDeleteHowever, the new study confirms that they do have anuses, and indiates mites have been 'unfairly blamed' for these conditions.
Typical Daily Mail journalism they probably got their NQJ buy doing an online quiz. I only got as far as the first photograph and I went straight to the search box to find a cure, putting tea-tree oil on your nipple will give you a thrill like no other!
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