Thursday, 21 April 2022


When the Mayor of Puerto De La Cruz, Tenerife wrote to me saying a ravishing bronze statue commemorating my long years of personal services to men is to be erected in front of the harbour wall I was on the next plane over there. 

Here I am, depicted as a bawling fishwife. It's like that "Who Will Buy" scene  from Oliver.

If statues could talk.

Nothing ever changes in Puerto de la Cruz it's still stuck in 1978 so here is a post from a few years ago. 


  1. "Singing cockles and mussels, alive alive-oo!" Or should that be that "cock"? Jx

    PS The only Canary Isle I went to was Gran Canaria. Playa del Ingles is a right shithole. It reminded me of Croydon, only bloody hot, derelict, and full of rude fat Germans. Never went back - worst fortnight's holiday ever.

    1. You won't find the egg and chip brigade in Puerto.

      I haven't been to Croydon but I have seen old B&W photographs of The Gorbals in Glasgow I was reminded of those old photographs when I visited Gran Canaria for the first time, when I opened the curtains of our apartment and saw the view overlooking the Yumbo Centre, I'm not ashamed to say I had a funny turn at seeing the lack of opulence and when I came round I was laid on the couch having my forehead bathed with eau de cologne with the maid making gentle cooing noises. But the nightlife made up for it. Did you visit the dunes?

    2. Nearly got bitten to death by sand-flies on those bastard dunes!

      The nightlife was OK - start off at Centre Stage, with its non-stop videos of classic musicals, then suck off at the sleazier bars later. But, my lord, the Yumbo Centre itself is filthy, and full of cockroaches. You needed to be tanked up with gin and poppers to forget where you were... Jx

  2. Are you yawning, or are you simply well prepared for passing strangers?
    Are the red and white sling-backs still in the shop window?

  3. It's a Skecher shoe shop now! That's progress for you. I remember seeing a similar shoe shop there, that had yellow cellophane in the window to protect the sling-backs from sun damage.

  4. Ha! I love this post! Have people been rubbing your boobs though? They look extra polished. I hope they put a few pence (or whatever the currency is there) in your basket afterwards!