Wednesday, 30 November 2022

The Common Touch

It's the same the whole world over,                                             
It's the poor what gets the blame, 
It's the rich what gets the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bleeding shame
                                                            Billy Bennet

Carmen at the foodbank.

When my maid of all work Carmen, didn't show up with my breakfast tray this morning at 7am prompt I knew there was something wrong, I waited until 2 minutes past 7 the clapper inside my hand bell is missing so I had to make my way downstairs. I found Carmen slumped on a chair with her head lolled to one side, my first thought was she's had a stroke, how utterly selfish, who's going to do the hoovering and make the beds now? To my relief, it wasn't a stroke, she explained how she got up during the night to spend a penny and fell asleep whilst sat on the toilet, she is suffering from a crick in the neck. She sometimes forgets about her ailment and turns her head sharply to look at me resulting in a deafening yowl. She's had me in fits all day.

It doesn't end there. Wednesday afternoon is Carmen's half day off, she volunteers her services at a food bank delivering food parcels to the poor and needy, she couldn't drive in her condition, so she asked me if I'll do the round for her, yes ME! She said it'll only take an hour at most and I will get to meet Rob with the big knob, who's in his early 20s he wears tight jogging bottoms that leave nothing to the imagination, still pleading, she said that'll be able to see how the other half live, it'll be a right eye opener! With thoughts of Rob in his tight joggers I agreed to do it, but I won't wear a lanyard. I used Carmen's Toyota Yaris hybrid it's more economical than mine.

Visit 1. The first person I visited was to a little old lady called Jean with mobility problems and no hallway wallpaper, she asked me if I would put her shopping away for her, it's something Carmen does, but what Carmen failed to notice was that Jean had 6 bags of unopened pasta taking up space in her cupboard, I brought it to Jean's attention, she said she doesn't eat "foreign muck" I took the pasta, 7 bags in all and exchanged them for Pringles, Elizabeth Shaw's mint crisp, 3 tins of baked beans, rice pudding and a Swiss roll, you would have thought I had given her the world. More importantly she said she preferred me to Carmen.

Visit 2. Mrs Cooper opened her front door, I was greeted with woodchip wallpaper, the top half was painted pink with a floral border in the middle, the bottom half of the wallpaper was painted yellow. Blue carpet tiles. I've seen John Constable's The Hay Wain many years ago at the National Gallery, it hangs a lot better in Mrs Cooper's hallway where it doubles up as a clock. Exquisite.

Visit 3. Mally 2nd floor flat, bike on landing. Carmen should have warned me about this one, he was amiable enough, but he could talk the hind legs off a donkey, telling me all about his divorce that has left him "without a pot to piss in".

Visit 4. The Dinsdales. 

They was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread.
And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

    Except Ms Dinsdale wasn't an old woman she was a 22-year-old with four children. She was sat outside with her partner smoking a roll-up when I trudged up the garden path with 5 bags, he came and took the bags from me, letting his strong, muscled arm brush against mine in the process, then he told me him and her weren't an item, he just goes round every now and then to "give her one". The audacious Jezabel! Thinking about it, with his chiselled jaw and blonde hair he could have given me one, right there and then on the concrete floor of Ms Dinsdale's living room.

Visit 5. Mrs Craggs wore a house coat similar to Nora Batty's, she had a pale green pallor of a death-cap toadstool and she seemed very surprised and grateful when I gave her the bags, I hope I had given them to the right person, those pensioners bungalows all look the same to me. I made a quick call to Carmen and she confirmed it was the right person and told me there's a touch of the Hyacinths about her, she likes to give the impression that she is Mrs Craggs' carer rather than Mrs Craggs herself. 

Visit 6. Mrs Calvert. She answered the door with food on her face. Her garden was furnished with gnomes, pottery dogs, donkey planters and other horrors I can't begin to describe, She's from a coarser generation. 

Visit 7. Mrs Hines was decorating a Christmas tree in her bungalow window, I could hear her singing along to the Supremes song Up The Ladder To The Roof but in her broad Yorkshire accent it was "Up Ladder T'Roof". Jane MacDonald eat your gusset out!

"It'll only take an hour" she said. It took me over 2 to deliver 18 bags of shite to seven households. Never again.

Top Top
Cheese spread can be made from as little as 35p using Aldi's cheese sauce mix. Simply follow the instruction on the cheese sauce packet and leave to cool for a bit then pour it into an empty Dairylea container, "Me bairns (plural noun, meaning children), love it" Shaz from the foodbank.


  1. Sounds like you had a wonderful day, dear Mitzi. Such a fine cast of characters. I'm sure you'll be volunteering every week from now on! Jx

    PS Carmen's only cricked her neck from trying to balance that fancy wiglet, I reckon, the strumpet.

  2. Is this going to be made into a Channel 5 series? Or will it go upmarket and be covered by Panorama?
    I hope you are looking after Carmen and delivering her breakfast each morning at 7am?!

    1. I can see it replacing Bargain Loving Brits In The Sun.

      I haven't heard her wail today so she must be feeling better, when she talks to you she turns her torso instead of her neck, it's quite creepy.

  3. I'd like to see Carmen on the cover of Tatler.

    1. *cackles* not whilst I'm wearing my ismile!
      I would give my teeth to see her on the cover of Tatler looking pensive and demure, holding a tin of soup.

  4. Yes, yes, yes, that's all very well, but did you get to meet Rob? And was it?
    (Rob wasn't the ex-Mrs Dinsdale, was he?)

    1. He seemed nice enough, a bit thin and weedy for my liking in the bedroom department and his bottom lip jutted out, a bit like that of a jug, I had a quick peek and yes you could tell what religion he was, but not quite the baby's arm clutching a Terry's chocolate orange, I was expecting, I didn't let that stop him from giving me his load though, time and time again it went in, I thought it would never end, crammed full, it's only a small car and I could hardly see out of the window by the time he'd finished.

      I heard Ms Dinsdale call her inamorato Liam, probably short for William.

  5. Anyone, feel free to nominate me for the Pride of Britain award for the special recognition category. I would nominate myself but I'm far too modest.

  6. I have no clue what "TSB" stands for, and I do not read The Mirror - anyway : Mitzi, you are a hero ! Hours in that Jap tin can - unbreakable you !

    "Dinsdale" vaguely reminds me of something, but I can not put my finger on it - and surely never will.

    1. Trustee Savings Bank or Thick Stupid Bitch for being easily coaxed into doing something I didn't want to do.

  7. It was very good of you, truly, you are a Christian martyr. Men always claim they aren't an item, but I'm sure that Dinsdale tramp would cut you if she caught you doing the dirty with her man.

    1. I used to work with a woman whose husband, on special occasions, used to pester her for A, it was his birthday coming up and she was at her wits end, I gave her a few tips, then I said jokingly, failing that, why don't you send him round to my house, he can have a go on Carmen instead, she was very touched by my kind gesture and looked relieved.

      According to Carmen Ms Dinsdale's bedroom curtains are permanently shut!