It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor what gets the blame,
It's the rich what gets the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bleeding shame
When my maid of all work Carmen, didn't show up with my breakfast tray this morning at 7am prompt I knew there was something wrong, I waited until 2 minutes past 7 the clapper inside my hand bell is missing so I had to make my way downstairs. I found Carmen slumped on a chair with her head lolled to one side, my first thought was she's had a stroke, how utterly selfish, who's going to do the hoovering and make the beds now? To my relief, it wasn't a stroke, she explained how she got up during the night to spend a penny and fell asleep whilst sat on the toilet, she is suffering from a crick in the neck. She sometimes forgets about her ailment and turns her head sharply to look at me resulting in a deafening yowl. She's had me in fits all day.
It doesn't end there. Wednesday afternoon is Carmen's half day off, she volunteers her services at a food bank delivering food parcels to the poor and needy, she couldn't drive in her condition, so she asked me if I'll do the round for her, yes ME! She said it'll only take an hour at most and I will get to meet Rob with the big knob, who's in his early 20s he wears tight jogging bottoms that leave nothing to the imagination, still pleading, she said that'll be able to see how the other half live, it'll be a right eye opener! With thoughts of Rob in his tight joggers I agreed to do it, but I won't wear a lanyard. I used Carmen's Toyota Yaris hybrid it's more economical than mine.
Visit 1. The first person I visited was to a little old lady called Jean with mobility problems and no hallway wallpaper, she asked me if I would put her shopping away for her, it's something Carmen does, but what Carmen failed to notice was that Jean had 6 bags of unopened pasta taking up space in her cupboard, I brought it to Jean's attention, she said she doesn't eat "foreign muck" I took the pasta, 7 bags in all and exchanged them for Pringles, Elizabeth Shaw's mint crisp, 3 tins of baked beans, rice pudding and a Swiss roll, you would have thought I had given her the world. More importantly she said she preferred me to Carmen.
Visit 2. Mrs Cooper opened her front door, I was greeted with woodchip wallpaper, the top half was painted pink with a floral border in the middle, the bottom half of the wallpaper was painted yellow. Blue carpet tiles. I've seen John Constable's The Hay Wain many years ago at the National Gallery, it hangs a lot better in Mrs Cooper's hallway where it doubles up as a clock. Exquisite.
Visit 3. Mally 2nd floor flat, bike on landing. Carmen should have warned me about this one, he was amiable enough, but he could talk the hind legs off a donkey, telling me all about his divorce that has left him "without a pot to piss in".
Visit 4. The Dinsdales.
They was an old woman who lived in a shoe.