The Common Touch

It's the same the whole world over,                                             

It's the poor what gets the blame, 

It's the rich what gets the pleasure,

Ain't it all a bleeding shame

                                                            Billy Bennet

Carmen at the foodbank.

When my maid of all work Carmen, didn't show up with my breakfast tray this morning at 7am prompt I knew there was something wrong, I waited until 2 minutes past 7 the clapper inside my hand bell is missing so I had to make my way downstairs. I found Carmen slumped on a chair with her head lolled to one side, my first thought was she's had a stroke, how utterly selfish, who's going to do the hoovering and make the beds now? To my relief, it wasn't a stroke, she explained how she got up during the night to spend a penny and fell asleep whilst sat on the toilet, she is suffering from a crick in the neck. She sometimes forgets about her ailment and turns her head sharply to look at me resulting in a deafening yowl. She's had me in fits all day.

It doesn't end there. Wednesday afternoon is Carmen's half day off, she volunteers her services at a food bank delivering food parcels to the poor and needy, she couldn't drive in her condition, so she asked me if I'll do the round for her, yes ME! She said it'll only take an hour at most and I will get to meet Rob with the big knob, who's in his early 20s he wears tight jogging bottoms that leave nothing to the imagination, still pleading, she said that'll be able to see how the other half live, it'll be a right eye opener! With thoughts of Rob in his tight joggers I agreed to do it, but I won't wear a lanyard. I used Carmen's Toyota Yaris hybrid it's more economical than mine.

Visit 1. The first person I visited was to a little old lady called Jean with mobility problems and no hallway wallpaper, she asked me if I would put her shopping away for her, it's something Carmen does, but what Carmen failed to notice was that Jean had 6 bags of unopened pasta taking up space in her cupboard, I brought it to Jean's attention, she said she doesn't eat "foreign muck" I took the pasta, 7 bags in all and exchanged them for Pringles, Elizabeth Shaw's mint crisp, 3 tins of baked beans, rice pudding and a Swiss roll, you would have thought I had given her the world. More importantly she said she preferred me to Carmen.

Visit 2. Mrs Cooper opened her front door, I was greeted with woodchip wallpaper, the top half was painted pink with a floral border in the middle, the bottom half of the wallpaper was painted yellow. Blue carpet tiles. I've seen John Constable's The Hay Wain many years ago at the National Gallery, it hangs a lot better in Mrs Cooper's hallway where it doubles up as a clock. Exquisite.

Visit 3. Mally 2nd floor flat, bike on landing. Carmen should have warned me about this one, he was amiable enough, but he could talk the hind legs off a donkey, telling me all about his divorce that has left him "without a pot to piss in".

Visit 4. The Dinsdales. 

They was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.

She gave them some broth without any bread.

And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

    Except Ms Dinsdale wasn't an old woman she was a 22-year-old with four children. She was sat outside with her partner smoking a roll-up when I trudged up the garden path with 5 bags, he came and took the bags from me, letting his strong, muscled arm brush against mine in the process, then he told me him and her weren't an item, he just goes round every now and then to "give her one". The audacious Jezabel! Thinking about it, with his chiselled jaw and blonde hair he could have given me one, right there and then on the concrete floor of Ms Dinsdale's living room.

Visit 5. Mrs Craggs wore a house coat similar to Nora Batty's, she had a pale green pallor of a death-cap toadstool and she seemed very surprised and grateful when I gave her the bags, I hope I had given them to the right person, those pensioners bungalows all look the same to me. I made a quick call to Carmen and she confirmed it was the right person and told me there's a touch of the Hyacinths about her, she likes to give the impression that she is Mrs Craggs' carer rather than Mrs Craggs herself. 

Visit 6. Mrs Calvert. She answered the door with food on her face. Her garden was furnished with gnomes, pottery dogs, donkey planters and other horrors I can't begin to describe, She's from a coarser generation. 

Visit 7. Mrs Hines was decorating a Christmas tree in her bungalow window, I could hear her singing along to the Supremes song Up The Ladder To The Roof but in her broad Yorkshire accent it was "Up Ladder T'Roof". Jane MacDonald eat your gusset out!

"It'll only take an hour" she said. It took me over 2 to deliver 18 bags of shite to seven households. Never again.

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Cheese spread can be made from as little as 35p using Aldi's cheese sauce mix. Simply follow the instruction on the cheese sauce packet and leave to cool for a bit then pour it into an empty Dairylea container, "Me bairns (plural noun, meaning children), love it" Shaz from the foodbank.