Friday, 26 February 2021

Current Mood


Dolly on the Dustcart by Pam Ayres

I'm the dolly on the dustcart,
I can see you're not impressed,
I'm fixed above the driver's cab,
With wire across me chest,
The dustman see, he noticed me,
Going in the grinder,
And he fixed me on the lorry,
I dunno if that was kinder.

This used to be a lovely dress,
In pink and pretty shades,
But it's torn now, being on the cart,
And black as the ace of spades,
There's dirt all round me face,
And all across me rosy cheeks,
Well, I've had me head thrown back,
But we ain't had no rain for weeks.

I used to be a 'Mama' doll,
Tipped forward, I'd say, 'Mum'
But the rain got in me squeaker,
And now I been struck dumb,
I had two lovely blue eyes,
But out in the wind and weather,
One's sunk back in me head like,
And one's gone altogether.

I'm not a soft, flesh coloured dolly,
Modern children like so much,
I'm one of those hard old dollies,
What are very cold to touch,
Modern dolly's underwear,
Leaves me a bit nonplussed,
I haven't got a bra,
But then I haven't got a bust!

But I was happy in that doll's house,
I was happy as a Queen,
I never knew that Tiny Tears,
Was coming on the scene,
I heard of dolls with hair that grew,
And I was quite enthralled,
Until I realised my head
Was hard and pink... and bald.

So I travel with the rubbish,
Out of fashion, out of style,
Out of me environment,
For mile after mile,
No longer prized... dustbinised!
Unfeminine, Untidy,
I'm the dolly on the dustcart,
And there's no collection Friday


  1. Oh dear - has the rain got in yer squeaker?

    Fab ode - I always loved Pam Ayres! Apparently John Cooper Clarke said she influenced his career...


    1. Have you seen her live? She's a hoot!

      No Botox injections in over a year, I'm 10lbs, yes 10lbs overweight and yesterday I had a sudden impulse to trim my own hair, I got a bit carried away with it and now my hair resembles a bog brush, it was all too much for me.

  2. "Unfeminine and untidy"? Surely not, Mitzi. Perhaps you mistook a window for a mirror, and instead of seeing your own delightful visage, had the misfortune to have a ghastly oik stare back at you?

    1. You're so kind Mr Device and just what I needed to hear. Talking about windows, there is a long streak of bird shit on the kitchen window, Carmen is waiting for it to dry so she can scrape it off with her nails.

  3. Don't worry, your hair will grow back - I have done the exact same thing. My hair is similar to Gail Platt's from Corrie if it's not cut, and resembles a huge bush - I think a bog brush looks better.
    I really don't look much like the person I was pre-Covid.
    Nobody puts Mitzi on the dustcart.

    1. Thank you for not putting me on the dustcart, though thinking about it, if I was a dustman's mascot at least I'll get out more and see places, visit those council houses, see how the other half live.

      I've been watching the old Corrie on ITV3 and can't believe how much Gail's personality has changed, she used to be quite a feisty, no-nonsense sort, fast forward to the present day and she's nowt but a simpering buffoon with brittle bones and if she doesn't sort her clowning glory out soon by the time she's 80 her neck is going to snap under all the weight. Debbie Webster, now that's a hairdo to aspire to.

      My maid of all work Carmen, in a roundabout way, told me to "get a grip, everyone's feeling the same" then she went on to tell me about the woman next and why she's wearing a sunhat in the middle of winter, to hide her 4" grey roots.

    2. Gail Platt hair? How can you see? How does SHE see?

    3. Her son and mother are hairdressers! If Gail was my mother and she refused a decent hairdo then I would have no option than to put a full tube of Nair into her leave-in conditioner.

  4. Instead of worrying about my fading looks,I thought I would just not update my glasses prescription, but then I became overwhelmed with Covid masks and sunscreen requirements and decided to start wearing a burkha instead.

    1. The wearing of burkhas should be made compulsory for those weighing 600lbs or more not for the aging population, just wear beige if you want to become invisible.

  5. Well, I feel, if not better, at least not worse. We're going out for lunch on Wednesday and I've got TWO big bills due this week so can't afford a hair-do. I shall have to get The Man to hold a mirror so I can cut the back. "Left hand down a bit..."

    1. Better still get The Man to cut it for you, short back and sides with optional singeing. I feel better now that I have had a 'tidy-up' by a backstreet hairdresser for a fiver, the same place my mother goes to for her illicit dos.