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| That was lovely Carmen, I could eat it again. |
Thursday 30 April 2020
Fighting The Flab
Since the C-word (coronavirus) or Wuhan flu to give it's proper name, entered our lives I've been leading a more sedentary, inactive lifestyle, I've taken to couch living like a duck to water, watching all the old game shows on Challenge, Bruce Forsyth on The Price Is Right and laughing at the crappy prizes on Bullseye and Family Fortunes, is it just me or were the men in the 80s more attractive then? I haven't been to the gym in over a month and have gained a whopping 6lbs, I'm now 12 stone 13lbs, there I've said it. Another television programme I've become obsessed with since my massive weight gain is My 600lb Life (only in America!) I have never seen such a bunch of humourless, self pitying cunts in all my life, I thought fat people were suppose to be jolly, they have sad piano music playing throughout to accompany their whinging narrative which is suppose to make us feel sorry for them, they blame everybody but themselves for the predicament they are in. I would like to see a British version of this programme narrated by Dave Lamb, instead of sad piano music, how about a rousing BOM bom BOM bom on the kettledrums when you see them trudge to the fridge for food and when they bend down to pick something up it should be to the sound of a Swanee whistle. I'll be needing the services of Dr Now if this lockdown continues for much longer. Can you imagine?
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If I hear "it's glandular" said by a fat person who eats their own weight in chips every week once more, I'll scream. If you're fat, you're fat for a reason.
ReplyDeleteMy excuse is I need cider because it's one of my "five-a-day".
Jx
I used to make my own cider when I was a youth, I poured a couple of cartons of apple juice in coke bottles, stretched balloons over the bottle necks and hid them behind the hot water tank in the airing cupboard so my parents wouldn't find them, after a week I had cider, it was fizzy too.
DeleteThis could explain a lot. Jx
DeleteMy Wampe grew too, I blame my Sylvaner habit, alcohol brings a lot of calories. As Italians said in a series of podcasts to their former selves after lock down, on the topic of "What to expect from isolation" : You will suffer from bad sleep, and you will come out fat.
ReplyDeleteI'll have my bicycle refurbished next week.
Bad hair too!
DeleteFor that toned, sculpted look I suggest we inject ourselves with Mr Muscle drain unblocker.
12st 13lbs. This is fine, so long as you're not 5ft 1".
ReplyDeleteI have gained nearly 3lbs. I am not happy. And my hair has discovered the joys of a hairband - which also holds my glasses in place. I look like a slovenly art teacher.
Sx
What made you weigh yourself? I hear you ask. The other night I was brushing my teeth I looked up from the basin and saw my reflection in the mirror, not my face, at my breasts, gravity had pulled them down and they were swinging wildly with each stroke of the brush, a bit like a Newton's Cradle. Think I will buy myself an electric toothbrush. My art teacher used to wear clogs and a floor length grey cardigan, he kept a baccy tin in his pocket and he smelt of patchouli and Golden Virginia. I've just ordered some hair clippers off Amazon, I'm going to give myself an undercut if I dare.
ReplyDeleteMy hair has not been this long in decades, and I am not happy at seeing my unhappy past, thank you. And how did these people arrive at 600 pounds without noticing what was happening? They always seem astonished at their predicament. As if 575 pounds was OK, but not this....
ReplyDeleteWhatever happened in your past has made you a stronger person and not a weak willed gut bucket. Can you imagine the size of their turds?
DeleteI'm just... I can't... Is that Jabba the Hutt in a muumuu? (the resemblance is uncanny in that second photo)
ReplyDeleteI've been deliberately leaving things up/downstairs so I have to make an extra trip - and burn more calories - to get them when I need them.
That's very mean... to Jabba the Hutt.
DeleteSpeaking of muumuus, I'm going to need one if I continue to say "yes" to the banana bread.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be in good company, Liz Taylor used to wear a 'Moo-Moo' and Tammy Wynette sang about them in the 90s, they fell out of favour in the UK for black leggings, fabric stretched so tight they become transparent.
Delete