Picking it up with the tips of her thumb and forefinger as if it was a tramp's cock, she asked 'what am I suppose to do with this?' You're welcome mother! She told me to shut the blinds in case a neighbour passing by should see her scratching it. She soon got to work, scraping away at the metallic ink with her nail, she was thrilled when a picture of a money bag was revealed and even more thrilled when she found another, clapping her hands together with joy, she won £50 in total and sent me off to the garage to cash it in, then silently mouthed at the door 'get me another one' so I did and she won a tenner, she told me to keep it. It got me thinking, I've often driven pass my mother's place and found her blind closed in the afternoon, it begs the question, what does she get up to in there? She doesn't nap in the afternoon 'that's what old people do' I remember when I was about 12 I came home from school and noticed the kitchen blind had been pulled down, I walked in and found my mother topless, weighing her breasts on the kitchen scales and she has the nerve to call me eccentric.
I can hear "By th'eck! Yer doan get many o' them to t' pound!"
ReplyDeleteYour Yorkshire accent is exquisite. The daft ha'p'orth thought she had one bigger than t'other.
DeleteHow much did they weigh? I'm asking for "a friend."
ReplyDeleteI didn't ask I just rolled my eyes skywards and tutted. It was those old fashioned kitchen scales with the brass weights, I remember seeing her taking off a lighter weight and putting on a heavier one to get the balance just right.
DeleteSo, are we thinking that your mother is still weighing body parts behind the blinds?
ReplyDeleteSx
P.S Can you buy some scratch cards for me, you seem to be lucky!
That sounds horribly disturbing.
DeleteOn the bottom right hand corner of a scratch card is a white panel with 10 numbers printed on it, the same numbers that are on the bar code on the reverse, the last 3 digits are separated by a dash, if these 3 numbers can be divided by 4 with no remainder they are usually winners. I found on certain scratch cards Cash Spectacular, Bingo and VIP Cashword, numbers ending in 0,4,6 and 8 are usually winners too. My mams winning scratch card ended in 014. You will have to find an understanding sales assistance who will give you the last 3 digits if you promise to buy 2 snickers for a £1 to keep them happy.
I vaguely remember that in a "family friendly" evening show on the telly (must have been in the eighties) a guy presented a construction to weigh female breasts ; he boasted that it also would work with men's testicles.
ReplyDeleteI have no clue what your mother does with the blinds down. I'd just phone in before a visit.
BTW thank you for the tip regarding these scratch cards, sadly I have not seen them around here. Here they sell mostly "Lose", lottery tickets that definitely are looking all the same outside. The cheap ones go for less than a €, and I think nobody won something from them ever, while the more expensive tickets (up to two €) have as main price a monthly payment for some years - it is called something like "second income". Here chances are a little bit better, but still stellar. Now and then winners are announced on simply printed leaflets pinned to the cashier's booth.
I'm surprised it didn't take off, it would have made a welcome addition in the innovations catalogue now sadly defunct, allsorts of weird and wonderful items in there alongside a battery operated phallus shaped device that vibrates for 'stiff necks' to clip on genital jewellery.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't sniff at a "second Income" scratch card win but in the UK it would be subjected to income tax, whereas a lump sum of a million + would be tax free.
I can dream.
I wonder if I still have my Premium Bonds? Hell!I wonder if England still has them;they might have fallen under the govt, axe?
ReplyDeleteMy maid of all work Carmen cashed hers in a couple of years ago she received £20. This is what Martin Lewis has to say about premium bonds.
DeleteYou know, I have an uncut nail on my left index finger sharpened like a talon. It's my scratching nail. I use it to ward off Jehovah's Witnessessss. They show up at my doorstep and I scratch them whilst dragging them into my foyer, where I might add, I'm afforded the right to "Stand My Ground" and SHOOT them out of my house as unwanted and HOSTILE uninvited vagrants that spread lies upon the Lard.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I use it to pick my nose.
And snort Coke. When I can find it.
And, most importantly, I use it to scratch off Lottery tickets.
No pennies for me...
Ayem8y, how bona to varda your dolly old ecaf again!
DeleteWhat a great idea to have a scratching nail, perhaps have it hardened with lacquered and painted silver to mesmerize the Jehovah's witnesses into your foyer and down into the cellar moribund for sexperiments and gouging.