Valentine's Day Mascara

Sameer Patel's top selling card for the 10th year running.

I sent an anonymous Valentine's card to my maid of all work Carmen. She is prone to outbursts of latinesque hysteria and I didn't want a repeat of last year's performance when she locked herself away in her room, wearing her dead mother's eau de nil wedding dress, playing The Old Maid In The Garret on a continuous loop for hours on end. I had a severe case of crise de nerf that day, I can tell  you and had to lie down with the hartshorn, all because no one had bothered to send the daft cow a Valentine's card.

I disguised my handwriting by holding the pen at it's very top and using green ink I wrote 'Love from DS xx' I left it on the mat for her to pick up. She was thrilled when she saw it was addressed to her, she even had the nerve to smile at me in a superciliously way. Then she opened it, saw the initials, shuddered and pulled a face. She must have guessed DS stood for David Scott, a big oily fruit who still lives with his mother, an old bitch that we often see being pushed around in a wheelchair by David in Beverley market. David is a tight fisted, petty minded arrogant little shit who somehow managed to woo Carmen in the past with his slippery silver tongue. Oh how I laughed.