"The water in Majorca don't taste like wot it oughta."
Not to be confused with Menorca a mistake you only make once. Flying from Leeds airport on a wet and dismal Monday afternoon, 2hrs and 15 minutes later, we arrived at our destination, unsuitably dressed in jeans, shirt and a "pully" as my maid of all work Carmen likes to call jumpers, I felt like a sheep in heat. Palma was basking in an autumnal heatwave.
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| A close up of the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma taken from the sixth floor of the Costa Azul hotel. |
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| Palma at dusk |
Cala D'or
Melia Hotel
After a week in Palma we headed off east of the island to a place called Cala D'or. We had intended to stay there for the remainder of the holiday but they wasn't much to do there and we both thought that the 5 star hotel looked a bit grim, so we packed up yet again and headed back to Palma.
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My bed was the one on the left, I know, I didn't like the proximity to Carmen either as she has a tendency to break wind in her sleep hence her bed is the one next to the window. That reminds me, I tried truffle for the first time, not the chocolate variety, the fungus, in an omelette at a restaurant, I took one bite and chewed, I chewed a bit more all the while my mouth felt as it was filling up with obnoxious gas, vapours were coming out of my nose, it was like a fat man on an onion soup diet had broken wind into my mouth, can you imagine that? Vile to say the least. Somewhere in the dark recesses of our minds some primeval instinct sends a message to the brain telling us not to swallow as it could be poisonous, I couldn't swallow it, which is unusual for me. I dashed to the lav with a mouthful of mush. Back at my seat, I gave the offending omelette to Carmen she devoured it with gusto saying it was like eating an orgasm. Dirty bitch! |
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| Set from Blithe Spirit? |
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| Room with a view! (Not part of the hotel) |
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| 4 euros for a Mars Bar! |
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| I had a bag of Maltesers and Carmen had the Mars bar 7 euros 50 centimes I sent Carmen out to the supermarket the next morning to replace them before the maid came. |
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| Holiday reading: Tom Sharpe's The Throwback a book I found in the hotel lobby,The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson and Tuppence to Cross The Mersey by Helen Forrester a riches to rags story. |
I've not been to Marjorca or Menorca, so I would believe anything about the water.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of water, I like the Palma Harbor pix. Did you or Carmen try the seafood?
Back then we were told not to drink the tap water abroad because of Montezumo's revenge! Perfectly safe to do so now, well, those countries within the EU.
ReplyDeleteThe Palma Harbour photograph was just a small part of it. Seafood, ugh, not for me, Carmen did have a tuna salad once, though I suspect the tuna came from out of a tin.
I have been to Majorca, in 1985. My boyfriend spent his time on the balcony trying to set light to the ants. Happy days.
ReplyDeleteI will probably steer clear of truffles now, thank you for the warning.
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Was setting fire to the ants the highlight of your stay in Cala D'or? Ours was watching a she cat in heat offering herself to all and sundry by walking backwards, miowing loudly and flashing her winking eye. Strangely, I knew just how she felt.
DeleteI remember my cat doing that (before I sorted her out) and my poor dog got rather confused.
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And I just checked... I thought Cala D'or rung a bell... I think I stayed at Hotel America.
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Do you remember the long trek to the luggage carousel?
DeleteI do remember the scary coach trip to the hotel... it was my first time abroad and I witnessed men peeing at the roadside... we didn't have that sort of thing going on in England back then. Obviously we do now.
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They do, the filthy beasts and not only men these days, I once witnessed a hen out on her hen do in Blackpool squatting down in the street wearing a veil and L plates peeing. No shame at all.
DeleteI am horrified to learn of the truffle omelette and its undesirable effects. What do the Spanish call it, I wonder? And did your Maid of No Work, Carmen, go cottaging whilst on Majorca?
ReplyDeleteCarmen had put in an appeal for men on Grindr without my knowledge, I was laid on the couch playing a hearty game of Candy Crush when there was a knock at the door, Carmen got up to answer it saying I've got you a fella, a really good looking Spanish man aged about 32 with black floppy hair entered, I felt my sphincter relax as soon as I saw him and cursed Carmen for not giving me time to 'prepare' once in the bed room I knelt before him as he fumbled with his belt, when he got it out I was over come with a heady aroma of what smelt to me like cat food, it was only when he shoved it into my mouth and said "Taste my girlfriends pussy" well, as you can imagine I shot out of that room clutching my stomach and retched in the kitchen sink, I turned around and saw the tail end of Carmen going into the bedroom and closing the door behind her, cheeky cow, would she follow me to the grave as quick? I very much doubt it. I could hear her retching too, but she must have a stronger stomach than me because she was in there a good hour, however, during that time there was another knock at the door...
DeleteOh my... the Spaniards can be a filthy lot, can't they? I am shocked at Carmen's behaviour. Didn't they teach her in Housekeeping School not to put unwashed objects in her mouth? Did you have to frig yourself off, whilst locked in the bathroom or did the latino lothario finish you off?
DeleteFormer ex-maid Belladonna was a big fan of Grindr, although she only used LesbianGrindr. Never understood the fascination, myself. I daresay she enjoyed her lesbian mud-wrestling sessions with Gladys from Hull and others. I, myself, use PoshTotty.com which is a great dating website... you should try it Mitzi. xx
I've tried posh men before Fanny, instead of having drug fuelled orgies we would have Pictionary nights instead, can you imagine that? I much prefer work men who will rip your knickers off with their rough callous hands and scuttle you over bags of cement.
DeleteFascinating. Carman breaking wind and truffles tasting like broken wind. There might be some subliminal subconscious hidden meaning behind all of this. You might make an appointment with me to see if we can't sort this all out.
ReplyDeleteLooks like it was a lovely holiday. More dirty Spaniard stories please.
Palma was wonderful Ayem8y and I shall be writing my travel memoirs in due course!
DeleteI enjoyed "The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared" although it would have been even sweeter with a bag of Maltesers.
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