 |
| Fireworks and celebration for the arrival of the three Queens docked at Southampton. I don't know who the other one was! |
 |
| Lily Savage is looking a bit rough nowadays! No, it isn't Lily, it's the Celebrity Eclipse's Cruise Director Sue Denning. Bona riah! |
Southampton
After 2 rough days at sea, where did we find ourselves?
Malaga: Sunny with patchy cloud. Disaster struck, my maid of all work Carmen, started to complain of back ache whilst in a Spanish café, as we got up to leave, she let out an almighty howl, silencing the café, just like a scene from the Rovers Return. She was hobbling around Malaga bent over and looking like a human question mark, oh, it was funny. Later on in the evening she started writhing on the bed in agony, clutching her neither regions and babbling of green fields. I called the medical emergency number and they told me to bring her down to the clinic, dressed in a white robe she looked like Iphigenia about to be sacrificed. The nurse took a water sample and it showed what we had suspected, kidney stones, the nurse gave me the cup to look at, (I took it gingerly and asked her if she had a chilled one) with all the racket Carmen was making I was expecting to see kidney stones the size of marbles, instead of what looked like grains of sand, all that fuss for that! An injection of pethidine in her arse cheek, some pain killing tablets and a course of antibiotics soon cured her moaning. Mitzi $350 poorer!
 |
| At around 7pm our cabin boy Custard from Goa would come into our room to turn down the beds and every night he would place a chocolate on our pillow. Wasn't that nice of him? |
Day at sea
Cabin fever! Carmen still raving.
Cannes: Warm and sunny. Tender boats today. Spent an hour traipsing around Cannes on my own, it was during the film festival too, the place was heaving.
 |
| An unCanny resemblance to Bridlington! Taken from the balcony. |
Civitavecchia: Cold and overcast. I phoned my mother, she said it was 80 degrees in the UK today! Trip to Rome cancelled due to Carmen selfish malady got full refund for both our trips. I took the shuttle into Civitavecchia, nice little seaside town, had a look at the shops, bought an ice-cream and sat on a bench. Feeling very sorry for myself. I dread going back to the ship to moaning Myrtle.
Livorno: Sunny. Trip to Florence/Pisa cancelled due to Carmen's ailment, although she says she's feeling a lot better today so we could have gone on the trip after all. Managed a little stroll into Livorno instead, nice market. I should never have worn my new loafers, I've got blisters on my ankles the size of dinner plates.
Genoa: Sunny. Blisters are throbbing had to wear flip-flops. Walk through the back streets of Genoa and you will see standing on every corner a prostitute offering her wares to all and sundry. Narrow winding alleyways lined with shops on both sides, but today is Sunday and all the shops are shut. Reminds me of Diagon Alley in the Harry Potter films, minus the prostitutes. A lovely Danny La Rue style drag queen called Diane Cousins is our entertainment tonight, I've seen her act before, she's quite good.
Day at sea
Sunny
Sunbathing on deck, I wanted a sun bed with close proximity to the Americans so I could observe their strange ways from behind dark glasses. I wasn't disappointed. An American woman on the sun bed next to mine was reading her Kindle, she stopped reading, turned to her husband and asked him (Hank) what colour is heliotrope? He shook his head in the negative, then she turned and asked me if I knew, as if I'm the oracle of Delphi. I told her I didn't know, but the clue is sometimes in the name Helio/Helios in greek mythology is a sun god, so I reckon it'll be a deep yellow colour, then I asked her to read out the sentence to see if it fitted: "Susan lives in a heliotrope painted apartment" didn't give much away there, but we were both contented that Susan lived in a yellow painted apartment, until Carmen piped up and said it was purple. Only mad people and goths paint their apartments purple. Poor Carmen, she's still delirious from her ordeal.
Gibraltar: Sunny.
I called my mother to ask if she knew what colour heliotrope is. She also said it was purple. I visited the barbers for a tidy up and bought a china mug with 'Her Ladyship' written on it. Bobby Davro is tonight's entertainment, think I'll take a couple of Carmen's strong pain killers and have an early night.
Yet another frigging Day at sea. Overcast.
Ventriloquist act is performing in the theatre tonight, think I'll go and slit my throat.
Lisbon: Pissing down with rain. Very hilly, it seems a very popular place with lesbians for some strange reason. Lady pianist called Clare Maidin is performing for us tonight at the theatre. I've seen her performance before. I wonder if it'll be the same act.
2 miserable days at sea, it's too wet and cold to sunbathe.
Southampton hurrah!
It's just as well that I wasn't along on the trip. I would have been totally incapacitated by seasickness — two wet blankets crimping your style!
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised a grizzled old seadog like yourself succumbing to seasickness.
DeleteI think Carmen should count herself lucky she missed a funeral at sea.
ReplyDeleteI did think about that Mr P, you're on a cruise ship and the person you are with pegs it, what on earth do you do? Wrap the body in a blanket and leave it on the balcony until your holiday ends, then wheel her off the ship on a luggage trolley? I had all these thoughts going around in my head until Carmen wanted to know why I was laughing.
DeleteI think large cruise ships carry coffins for such an occasion.
DeleteAnother destroyer in our squadron had a Sonarman electrocuted whilst we were at sea. U.S. Navy ships use body bags and store the unfortunate bagged sailor in the ship's food freezer until the ship arrives in port.
DeleteDo they do body bags in heliotrope?
DeleteI know heliotrope only as the name for a plant. The "trope" part comes from the Greek "trepein", to turn: It's a plant that turns toward the sun. I had no idea that it is also the name of a colour. Hopefully your blisters are cured. Is Carmen in for an op ? Sooner or later ... or you could just wait for the big one. That's when you wish to cut him off ...
ReplyDeleteShe was hospitalised with a kidney stone blockage a couple of years ago, they put something up her. I've seen items of clothing in the Sunday paper supplements describing other available colours as heliotrope, azurite and butternut, I don't know why they just can't put purple, blue and orange.
ReplyDeleteYou know how I feel about flip-flops but I suppose you had no choice.
ReplyDeleteI recall when you told me that your flip-flops came in very handy once as dual wield weapons, when you quickly became surrounded by a flange of baboons in Gibraltar.
"A flange of baboons...."
DeleteFilthy beasts!
DeleteLovely pictures, Mitzi.
ReplyDeleteI am dying to ask: did you do any cruising, whilst you were, erm, cruising? Is it true that all girls love a sailor?
Sadly not on this cruise Fanny, it was dry sheets every night, can you imagine that? I did try though, I used the gym every day sometimes twice a day in the hope of catching the ship's entertainment crew working out, but they only seemed interested in themselves, except this chap who kept turning his head in my direction, but I quickly looked away, I might have been feeling extra whorish but I wasn't desperate. Princess cruise liners are the best for cruising cruising the staff on board are ever so obliging, our cabin boy onboard the Star Princess, Raymund, from Croatia he was such a character and lets just say he was a bit of a handful who certainly added a 'splash' of colour into my life.
DeleteSorry to hear it was dry sheets every night, Mitzi. I always found when I was cruising on the QE2 and the Titanic that the sauna and the jacuzzi were the best place for fumbling illicit cock action.
DeleteI am shocked and disgusted with the behaviour of Carmen, your maid of little or no work. It is simply unacceptable of her to have passed a kidney stone on such a voyage, and at such cost. Personally, I would have brought out the cat o'nine tails and punished her severely for her insubordination. Passing kidney stones on a first-class voyage.... working class kidney stones, at that. It's unthinkable!
That's what happens when you make a companion out of a housemaid, one should have known better. It was her who cajoled me into taking the cruise in the first place. I would have been contented with Cala d'or for a week.
DeleteAck, take me next time. I am fit as a fiddle and won't cramp your style.... so long as you don't mind me wandering around dressed as a teenager from the 1980's.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't have shown that Morrissey YouTube, it has given me ideas.
Sx
As long as you don't go distressing the kitchen staff with 'meat is murder' slogans written on postcards.
ReplyDelete