Clutter From The Gutter

Holiday

2012-01-27T12:04:00.033+01:00

After a gruelling 4hr 20min flight we arrived in Gran Canaria. The weather was fabulous, at least 25 degrees and sunny, very pleasant, unlike the cold 7 degrees and rain we left behind in Manchester. We left the airport on a transfer bus, as we drove down the motorway through barren lunar landscapes we came upon a sign in front of a gravel slope saying "Sioux City" imagine our disappointment when we discovered it wasn't a place paying homage to punk queen Siouxsie Sioux but a kind of western theme park where the Naffs go off to play cowboys and Indians. We gave it a miss.

It didn't take us long to reach The Sol Barbacan appartments. Everywhere there were modern blocks of flats and fenced in bungalows with ornate looking prison bars at the windows, if it hadn't been for the palm trees and the sun beaming down it could easily be mistaken for a northern council estate. But at least you can swim and enjoy the sun all year round.

Our bungalow do you want to take a look inside?

Troll in don't be shy!

I wasn't very struck of the decor either.

Playa del Ingles with it's nortorious dunes at maspalomas what goes on in those dunes I can't possibly say without blushing like a bride.

Too early. Sparkles bar taken at dusk.

Taken on a wall outside an amusement arcade.

Sore Throat

2012-01-25T13:17:00.005+01:00

Yes Mitzi is nursing a sore throat and is feeling very sorry for herself, she can hardly swallow, though she does persevere! She's convinced its aerotoxic syndrome after falling ill after her flight from Gran Canaria, breathing in the contaminated air circulated within the plane's air conditioning system.

Eartha Kitt - Where Is My Man?

2012-01-05T15:48:00.003+01:00

After investing all his money in a revolutionary scientific process to extract gold from sea water. He now lives in a bus shelter in Blackpool.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T17:00:00.000+01:00

Hoover Up

2011-12-24T20:26:00.002+01:00

Give Your Feet A Treat

2011-12-23T00:03:00.003+01:00

Christmas Music

2011-12-21T00:59:00.004+01:00

Gaudete is a medieval Christmas carol sung in latin. This is what I want to hear when I'm out doing my Christmas shopping not Mariah Carey singing All I Want For Christmas, I swear if I hear that song being played once more in Meadowhall I think I will swing for someone.

Purple Death Wine

2011-12-14T17:00:00.001+01:00

Fellatio

2011-12-09T12:56:00.001+01:00

6th December - Goose

2011-12-06T18:09:00.004+01:00

Small Room Dancing

2011-12-05T11:19:00.004+01:00

Those up-tempo trots which include the Tijuana cha cha, the sour apple quickstep and the Aztec two step.

Count Down To Christmas

2011-12-04T11:50:00.013+01:00

On each day of Advent, I shall open a door to reveal a winter treasure to delight and dazzle you.

From the Country life advent calendar

1st December: We have the (cough Virgin cough) Mary with child.

2nd December: Ding Dong Merrily On High!

3rd December: Take me under the mistletoe and I'll kiss you under the balls.

Enjoy a mince pie with this easy recipe.

Things To Make...And Do!

2011-12-02T18:09:00.002+01:00

Kate Bush - Babooshka

2011-11-29T00:20:00.008+01:00

Kate Bush, remember her? She's back with a new album called 50 Words For Shite. The album, I found, incredibly dull (I nodded off once or twice whilst listening to it) her voice sounds distinctly Kate yet slightly mumsy. The album lacks energy, excitment, passion and when it comes to having an ear for a decent hook, I'm afraid ms Bush is stone deaf.

Babooshka from 1980 At her best.

Warning: Contains the sound of smashing crockery in the finale.

Spot The Royal

2011-11-24T17:05:00.004+01:00

Each week I shall be asking a member of the Royal Family to disguise themselves as their favourite star of stage and screen. Can you identify this week's mystery Royal and TV lookalike?

How To Keep A Zipper In Place

2011-11-23T16:46:00.003+01:00

Drinkify

2011-11-21T11:22:00.003+01:00

Want to know what to drink whilst listening to your favourite music? Tell Drinkify what you’re listening to and it will suggest a suitable drink along with a preparation guide.

Don’t listen to The Wurzels alone. We suggest…

“The Wurzels”
•1 bottle Pinot Noir
Serve at room temperature.

Interlude

2011-11-01T00:29:00.003+01:00

I shall be taking my gorgeous self and Carmen on a two week brass rubbing holiday in Lincolnshire tomorrow, a fortnight spent cycling around interesting churches and cathedral in the area. I can hardly wait!

As you sit there waiting patiently for my return, enjoy this beautiful musical interlude sung by the lovely Timi Yuro, it's one of my favourites.

Big Bad Wolf

2011-10-28T12:26:00.003+02:00

Strange video containing men with enormous crotch faces. Watch out for the bearded lady!

Morrissey - Ouija Board

2011-10-25T00:21:00.003+02:00

Woooooo it's the spookiest night of the year on October 31st, when all the ghosts and ghoulies and things that go bump in the night rise from the grave to walk amongst the living. But why wait til then. Lets get in the mood now! Kathy Burke and the late Carry-On star Joan Sims appear in this Morrissey video.

Crappy Piano

2011-10-23T18:50:00.002+02:00

Play the Crappy Piano here

Amy's Winehouse

2011-10-22T11:13:00.000+02:00

It's comforting to know that Amy is still with us in spirit.

Wednesday Arts And Crafts Day

2011-10-12T16:38:00.003+02:00

How to transfer a photograph onto a block of wood.

How gripping!

W y r d W ɛ n z d e ɪ

2011-10-05T00:13:00.005+02:00

Buddy Holly Jukebox Teapot Tattoo

You can't beat a bit of strange, can you?

From Blighty To Benidorm

2011-09-28T13:00:00.029+02:00

I've been basking in glorious sunshine the past few days, with temperatures of 85 degrees. Not in Spain, but here in England! Pass the tanning butter!

Benidorm Adventure

Flight 747 to Alicante we were surrounded by the egg and chips brigade. 9am flight and all the babies on board the plane were wailing piteously, the under fives were having major tantrums. The man sat behind us kept breaking wind willy-nilly. The scene was reminiscent of Giotto's fresco of The Last Judgement, depicting hell. I sat there silently screaming for 2 and a half hours until we landed.

Where we stayed.

The Don Pancho **** Mosquito Farm.

Taken on the mobile phone hence the poor quality.

Our hotel had it's very own boutique with all the latest Spanish fashions, including these hideous green polyester outfits.

Every hotel had it's own beggar, ours would sit from dawn til dusk on the pavement outside the hotel holding a paper cup, she would perform a lament with so much human misery in it that it could be described as theatrical.

The view from our balcony on the 13 th floor.

The girls from Baccara pose for a picture.

Benidorm really is the mobility scooter capital of Europe.
I've never seen so many walk shy lard arses in all my life.
The above pic is from the internet.

Carmen had Fish and chips and I had the vegetarian lasagna one afternoon at Rays chip emporium. The elderly waitress (I think she was called Pat) brought us our meal with a cheery "There you are, Luv" the northern equivalent to "Bon Appetite".

The Queen of Benidorm. Yes Sticky Vicky is still doing the rounds at 74 ! with her magic vagina act. She's been packing them in for years!

Back Soon!

2011-09-16T22:52:00.000+02:00

Mystic Mitzi

2011-09-11T18:53:00.026+02:00

Look at the pictures below and think of a question such as:
What should I be aware of today?
What are my top goal to achieve for next year?
What is missing in my life?
Now feel yourself being drawn toward a single picture and click it to reveal the answer.

Tourettes Birdie Song

2011-09-05T13:14:00.013+02:00

I cannot pass the fish counter at Morrisons without wrinkling my nose up in disgust at the fetor and shouting "Filthy slut's clout" to the fishwife, freezing her on the spot with one of my theatrical stares. Talking about Morrisons, I bought a jar of their own brand 9p curry sauce the other day - it's vile!

Peep Show For The Ladies

2011-09-01T23:34:00.000+02:00

Chimp Does It Froggy Style!

2011-08-26T12:53:00.002+02:00

Outtake from the new Planet Of The Apes film?

Wetdreamcatcher

2011-08-24T15:40:00.001+02:00

Edith Piaf - Jezebel

2011-08-18T16:28:00.001+02:00

I'm in an Edith Piaf mood today.

What Periodic Element Are You?

2011-08-18T01:03:00.005+02:00

You Are Sulfur

People often misunderstand you. You are more of an optimist than you seem.
You are quirky, charming, and creative. You like to celebrate your uniqueness.

You are emotionally authentic at all costs. You let your true feelings be known.
You make the most of your experiences. You want to squeeze as much as you can out of every moment.

What Periodic Element Are You?

Doris Day

2011-08-17T00:46:00.010+02:00

Everyone loves a Doris

Doris Day is on the comeback trail with a new album out next month. Can you believe that? I thought she died years ago.

Elvis 34th Anniversary

2011-08-16T11:16:00.005+02:00

Today is the 34th anniversary of Elvis's death. Callous as it may sound, dear reader, it's probably better to die young when you're a legend. Celebrities get to keep their dignity, otherwise as they get older they might find themselves on a game show or kissing a 24 year old latino toyboy on a beach. If they were alive today Marilyn Monroe would be advertising incontinence pads, James Dean showing you around a retirement village and Elvis would be scorching up the stairs in a Stannah Chair lift. Elvis took three decades to finally wreck his health through high living and Keith Richards is still dragging his decline out after nearly forty years. It just gets boring after a while. I say hats off to Amy Winehouse for pulling her fingers out and getting the job done early.

Helping Hand

2011-08-15T23:18:00.009+02:00

As to making a companion of a servant or inviting her to the drawing room to have tea with one, as I have heard is sometimes done, such a thing is simply ruinous to the mistress's authority in her own household and highly derogatory to her personal dignity.

Mrs C.E. Humprey
Etiquette for every day (1902)

After a long busy day of cooking, cleaning, ironing, mowing the lawn etc. I thought I'd surprise my "maid of all work" Carmen, with a bit of pampering. I poured some of her favourite pomegranate and honeysuckle bubbly under the running taps, swirled the water around a bit to create some bubbles. Mmmmm the smell of honeysuckle is so relaxing. Perfect! Imagine the look on Carmen's face the moment she came home looking all hot and bothered from running yet another errand, to a sink full of dirty dishes waiting for her.

Do you fancy trying Carmen's signature scent of Pomegranate and Honeysuckle? Get yours here .

Nighty Night To Return

2011-08-08T13:04:00.013+02:00

It pleases me greatly that Nighty Night is set to return after a six year absence. Julia Davis who plays psychopath Jill Tyrell has got an idea for a third series and is currently in the process of putting it all together. It can't come quick enough!

Poor Mrs Horner commits suicide after receiving one of Jill's signature haircuts.

The Health and Safety officer arrives to inspect Jill's salon, poor Linda panics thinking the police have come to arrest her after she suffocated a customer to death with cling film whilst administering a body wrap.

Psychic Wordsearch

2011-08-07T00:07:00.002+02:00

I'm a fat, beautiful clutz.

Pink Daisy For Your Brown Eye

2011-08-04T01:07:00.005+02:00

Do you want to look younger and fresher "down there" or just want to get rid of those awful liver spots?

The makers of this product invite you to "Shine from behind" Pink Daisy anal bleach is gentle and safe to use anywhere on the body where there is skin discolouration by naturally and gently lightening the skin without side effects and all in the privacy of your own home.

Dancing Squid

2011-08-01T00:33:00.003+02:00

Japanese cuisine with a strange moving twist.

Gun Shape Retractable Dog Lead

2011-07-29T18:29:00.004+02:00

Describe Your Day In Three Words

2011-07-26T23:26:00.004+02:00

Mine: Dismal Shopping Trip.

The neutron bomb stored in the arsenals of the superpowers is designed to kill people without harming the buildings. The opposite has happened in Scunthorpe in Lincolnshire. The infrastructure is dead but somehow the people have managed to survive (but only just) and are picking their way through the concrete ruins. That's the impression I got today when entering Scunthorpe. The whole town is best described as a soulless outdoor shopping arcade consisting of discount shops, pregnant teenage horrors pushing prams, I heard one shout at her brown "Bairn" (who was whinging to go into that gourmet eatery MacDonalds) "Shut the fuck up Nokia! you can have a sausage roll instead". We walked/ran back to the car, I gave my "Pay and display" parking ticket with two hours time left to a grateful old man. Then we headed down to Meadowhall and had a much nicer time there.

Amy Winehouse Dead

2011-07-23T18:56:00.002+02:00

Alexis Hospital Dinner

2011-07-22T10:50:00.008+02:00

Champagne, truffles and caviar for a hospital dinner how lovely.

Tip for eating caviar: Never use metal spoons (except gold) it can taint the caviar giving it a tinny metalic taste. Ideally use mother-of-pearl, horn, wood or glass. Never use plastic it's common.

What to wear for a stay in hospital can be a bit of a worry, can't it? You can't go wrong with a flowing evening gown or a layered dress dripping with pearls, wear full make-up at all times and lots of jewellery too, like Alexis in the above clip, if your hairdresser refuses to visit then wear a turban.

Legends In Wax

2011-07-20T00:03:00.012+02:00

It's the terrible likeness which attracts the visitors to the Legends in Wax museum at The Hop Farm Park, Kent. Most of the displays are only identifiable by their name tags.

Boy George with acne scars. What is he holding in his hand?

Clint Eastwood!

Its a little bit funny ...

It's really Kylie.

It's Liza with a Haaaaaaaaa!

This lady's not for melting. Well, not yet anyway.

Prince Charles with five o'clock shadow.

Hasta la vista Baby!

Punch drunk Silvester Stallone .

Tonight Matthew One is going to be Barbara Steisand.

The Green Door Competition

2011-07-18T16:17:00.010+02:00

Green door what's that secret you're keeping? Well that's what you have to find out! You need to unlock the extrasensory power of your mind to open up The Green Door and find out who or what is lurking there! The winner will have a choice, a talking book, Frenchman's Creek by Daphne Du Maurier on three cds and read by the lovely John Nettles or Paulo Coelho's first major book The Pilgrimage or Birds of a feather DVD series 1. So get scrying now!

RRP £14.99

Fine cell Work

2011-07-15T00:20:00.003+02:00

Fine Cell Work is a registered charity that teaches needlework to prison inmates and sells their products such as, handmade traditional cushion covers, quilts, rugs, tapestry.

Nimble fingered prisoners across the UK spend up to 40 hours a week stitching cushions. Can you imagine big burly men with homemade tattoos bent over embroidery frames stitching away like old spinsters. "Pecking order" is very important to prison inmates, anyone who tries to muscle in on Mr Big's pin cushion is liable to find themselves the victim of vicious retribution.

For £999.99 you can buy this.

Badly Stuffed Animals

2011-07-13T14:44:00.012+02:00

From a facebook page called "Badly Stuffed Animals" My personal favourite is this monstrosity, perhaps one of the taxidermist's finest and most detailed pieces, the look of confusion and terror on it's face is exquisite.

See all the horrors here .

Brings to mind this from That's Life. Mimi a 19 year old persian cat was the beloved pet of a woman who wanted to remember Mimi of how she was and not as the taxidermist made her.

The B-Sides

2011-07-11T00:05:00.024+02:00

Remember those old vinyl 45's with the authentic hiss and crackle? As a young child I would spend hours sat at my dad's old Bush slowly lowering an arm onto a shiny seven incher. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it now. *stops typing to dab eyes with lace hanky* I must stop wallowing in nostalgia it's not healthy. We live in a world of constant change and we have to move on but downloads aren't the same, there's no feel of ownership, no artwork, no lyrics printed on the back sleeve and no B-sides. There were lots of hidden gems on those b-side many were overlooked. Here's a few of my favourite.

1 Abba - Hey Hey Helen - Fernando. This song should have been called Hey Hey Frida see the ginger haired one singing and dancing without a care in the world? the brazen hussy! She divorced her first husband and left the children in his care and buggerd off to Stockholm to become a pop star... and thank God she did, otherwise we wouldn't have had ABBA.

2 Baccara - Cara Mia the B-side to Yes Sir I Can Boogie. In my opinion this is better than the A-side.

3 Morrissey - Hairdresser On Fire The B-side to Suedehead. Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary? Camp as Knickers!

4 Fox - If I Point At The Moon - Imagine Me Imagine You
5 Siouxsie And The Banshees - Tattoo - Dear Prudence

I must stress Fox and Baccara were part of my parent's record collection and not mine!

It's Gin O'clock Time!

2011-07-08T17:13:00.016+02:00

My lovely cocktail shaker arrived the other day, all the way from Australia. Thanks Princess love! My prize from the most Appalling Frock competition over at Palais de Steff .

A card showing Princess's "Double Delight!"

Legs up Miss Flange, A cocktail popular with street walkers of yesteryear: 4 measures of Aldi's gin, 1 measure of lime juice, supermarket cider to taste.

Peniscolada: A blend of orange and pineapple juice with equal measures of gin and lime juice to taste. Make it extra special by freezing some coconut cream in ice cube trays and add to drinks.

Makes a rather attractive ornament.

When Princess is not visiting creepy old railway station cafes for tea and scones she's bevering away at her Singer, making clothes out of old curtains for the von Trapp children .

Marble Your Nails With Colette

2011-07-06T00:14:00.004+02:00

Desireless - Voyage Voyage

2011-07-04T10:48:00.003+02:00

Reached number 5 in the hit parade in 1988. Ever wondered what the beautiful Claudie looks like now 23 years on? Take a peek here.

Who Ate All The Pies?

2011-07-03T00:13:00.007+02:00

She has a new album of dirges coming out soon. Do you know who it is? Clue: It's not Susan Boyle.

Yes well done, it's Sinead O'Connor. Take a look at her here perfoming a few days ago. "I am not like I was before, I thought that nothing would change me" she sings. Oh the irony! Ode to Greggs perhaps?

Planet of the Apes

2011-07-01T00:40:00.005+02:00

I recently watched Planet of the Apes the 2001 film and was later amazed to read how much money was spent in the making of it. Surely they could have replaced Helena Bonham carter with Gail from Coronation Street and saved a fortune on prosthetics.

Read It And Weep - A sob Story

2011-06-30T14:55:00.009+02:00

Brit winner of french X Factor lost out on the UK show because he didn't have a sob story. Read more here

This would be my sob story if I entered X Factor. Read it and weep! Press play on the video below and wait 10 seconds before reading for extra Boo fucking hooness.

I was stood outside the Winter Gardens in Blackpool one evening waiting for a pal of mine, when I was approached by what looked like an overgrown chimp dressed like a darts player, he was little and podgy his dirty fingers adorned with sovereign rings.

He asked me if I was working, and I told him I had retired from the business years ago and I was just waiting for a friend.

After taking a last drag from his ciggy he flicked the butt at a poster of Danny La Rue. "Fucking Danny La Rue eh, what a wanker!" We started to laugh at that and he introduced himself as Cyril and I as Mitzi "I had a Bull mastiff called Mitzi got eight litters out of her she had tits like chapel hat pegs you could hear them being dragged on the kitchen lino, I had her put down when she became incontinent" he said welling up with emotion. "I really liked that dog, and I really like you, I work as a painter and decorator my van's parked around the corner fancy a ride?"

Well, how could I refuse such an offer.

I got into his van and he drove to a secluded spot. Kisses and cuddles developed into slap and tickle and in no time at all our clothing was thrown off as we settled down to the real business of the evening. I suddenly remembered that I hadn't douched but Cyril being the true gentlemen said he preferred it messy. Our bodies writhed and pumped in pure ecstasy although we were rather hampered because we had to manipulate ourselves in all kinds of positions on the front seat. Unfortunately the rear of the van had his decorating equipment in it and no room for a courting couple in love. This didn't deter us in fact it spurned us on and soon the little van was rocking rhythmically by our movements.

Our frantic writhings was to lead to Cyril's death, our movements knocked the handbrake off and released it's grip on the vehicle. Slowly but surely the handbrake abandoned it's post and the van began to move, slowly at first but in our climaxing moments the van was running down the slope with more momentum, soon it was speeding quite fast and careering out of control down the steep bracken covered slope of lovers leap.

As expected there was an almighty crash as the van plunged two hundred feet onto the shingle beach below, a little dazed but otherwise fine I managed to escape just as the van burst into flames illuminating the night sky for miles around, sadly Cyril burnt to death.

Garnier Ultra Lift Challenge

2011-06-30T09:51:00.009+02:00

Do you have a face a dog would curl it's lip at? Then get your free 14 day sample of Garnier anti-wrinkle cream and wrinkle reader here. Free for countries listed in the drop down.

Jackie Lee - Rupert The Bear

2011-06-28T18:31:00.009+02:00

I bumped into Darren an old friend of mine today and he introduced me to his new boyfriend Rupert. They've just returned from a trip to Iceland, whilst Darren enthused about the natural wonders of the place I couldn't keep my eyes from roaming towards Rupert's geyser area and wondered if it spurts hot spray into the air at regular intervals. Was it my imagination or did I see it twitch? I stopped listening to Darren's prattle because all I could hear was the theme tune to Rupert The Bear playing inside my head. As we parted company Rupert and I shook hands once again not only did we squeeze really hard we also pulsed together in unison! It was so sexy I'm thinking of changing my name to Tiger Lily.

And here it is!

Welcome Home Carmen!

2011-06-27T17:54:00.005+02:00

When it comes to whinging about her ailments Carmen is the Queen bee. The Readers Digest Medical Dictionary is her Bible, her bedside table looks like Lloyds Pharmacy. However, the high priestess of Patent Medicine worshipping has returned home after spending a fortnight being treated in hospital for a serious infection caused by a kidney stone obstruction. She would have been home sooner but she has this medical insurance policy that pays a cash sum for every night spent in hospital. "That'll pay for a nice holiday" I thought, so I spiked her Robinson's Barley water with the juices of a raw chicken to ensue a longer stay, I want a Caribbean cruise not a weekend in Blackpool!

Anyone for Robinsons?

Big Ted or Little Ted?

2011-06-22T11:23:00.000+02:00

Happiness is...

2011-06-19T21:56:00.002+02:00

A nice cup of tea and a sit down. After a long day at work, or a bracing walk, perhaps after a hectic bout of fooking, you can't beat a nice cuppa. Make it extra special by crocheting yourself a mug cosy

Jane Horricks - Cabaret

2011-06-17T00:49:00.005+02:00

Senfuckingsational! Chills and thrills at the Kit Kat Club. I much prefer the stage version of Cabaret the true interpretation sang with an air of menace so much darker than the film.

Murder She Hoped

2011-06-16T15:47:00.004+02:00

Two men were arrested in an attempt to murder Joss Stone. The attempt was foiled by her nosy, interfering neighbours who reported a suspicious looking car. Police had found samurai swords and a length of rope inside the boot of the car when they were arrested. Read more here

If you can bear it, here's a reminder of Joss Stone's cringeworthy 2007 appearance at The Brit Awards .

Debbie

2011-06-13T15:32:00.003+02:00

It's a fine and dry day today with patchy cloud and sunny intervals.

How To Masturbate An Elephant

2011-06-12T20:46:00.002+02:00

Watch it unfurl !

Debbie

2011-06-12T18:43:00.009+02:00

I knew we were in for some awful weather the moment I clapped eyes on Debbie, my weather forecasting ornamental hippo (named after a corpulent neighbour of mine) she had changed from a deep blue colour to a light pink indicating a threat of severe weather and she wasn't wrong, it's been pissing it down and blowing a gale all day. She's like Nostradamus with her predictions.

Dawn French Slims

2011-06-09T00:02:00.003+02:00

Fat or thin I love this woman. Read more here

Tragic

2011-06-08T00:34:00.002+02:00

Psychoville - Tina Turner Scene

2011-06-06T10:45:00.009+02:00

It starts off with a black leather gloved man mailing "I know what you did" letters to ex mental patients. A message that draws five seemingly desparate characters into a dark tale of blackmail and desire. A blind recluse with an unusual hobby, a love-struck telekinetic dwarf, an embittered hook-handed clown, murder obsessed mother and son, and a deranged but caring midwife (Dawn French) all receive the same ominous message sending their already bizarre lives into turmoil. All are affected in different ways by the letters and as more chilling messages are received the five are forced to confront their past and the secret that binds them together.

Mother and son serial killers Dave and Maureen Sowerbutts in Psychoville.

Meet Joy

Back Soon!

2011-05-16T23:29:00.000+02:00

I'm off to give my mantilla an airing!

Azkaban Wins Eurovision

2011-05-15T01:04:00.005+02:00

Azerbaijan wins 2011 Eurovision Song Contest und well deserved too. The UK took 11th place, we were more successful than last year's entry when we came a humiliating last mit only dix points. We were awarded maximum points from Bulgaria, nice of them to apologise ! und un point from France.

The last time the UK won was in 1997 with Katrina And The Waves singing "Love Shine a Light."

Eurovision Time

2011-05-14T13:37:00.005+02:00

My favourite Eurovision song ever! It should have won.

Taking place in Düsseldorf tonight is the Eurovision Song Contest (a half hearted) whoopee! I might have to give my dirndl an airing! Sadly, I don't hold much hope for the UK's entry, I would much rather listen to the xylophone playing of Sir Patrick Moore than Blue's drivel. I just hope we don't show ourselves up again with "nil points" like jemini did in 2003 oh the shame.

To win:
1st France
2nd Azerbaijan
3rd Hungary

Nipheads Indulging!

2011-05-05T15:30:00.003+02:00

If only this stuff worked on humans!

Nesting

2011-05-05T00:36:00.003+02:00

There is a couple of birds nesting in the red bushes in my front garden. I know expressions such as "Kill two birds with one stone" are not suppose to be taken literally, but as I stood there, watching their comings and goings and shittings on my drive, I thought, how easy it would be to catch them in a net first before battering them to death with a brick. Rest assured my dear readers I could never be so cruel, in fact I've been feeding em dried Mealworms I bought especially from the pound shop so they can stay at home and look after their chicks.

Ohhh I've come Over All Giddy

2011-05-03T01:13:00.002+02:00

The Royal Consummation In Full

2011-04-30T00:22:00.005+02:00

At 11:02, the ceremony reaches it's magnificent climax, when the royal pods fires 3 times in the Princess's Biffin Box, signalling that the royal wad has been spent. The majestic ritual over the procession quickly withdraws and the prince rolls over emitting a fanfare of farts. At this point the Archbishop now decked in ceremonial robes invites the Prince and the Princess to sign the official deed of Coitus Completus.

On the stroke of midnight the bottom sheet is inspected by the Queen and then it's raised on a flagpole high above Buckingham Palace. This is greeted by a loud cheer from the thousands of spectators and the world's press who have waited for hours to see William and Kate's map of Africa.

My Pussy Is Missing

2011-04-28T16:35:00.007+02:00

Can you help me find Pussy?

I know she's around here somewhere!

Poly Styrene Dead !

2011-04-27T11:25:00.003+02:00

Scrub away Poly, Scrub away in eternal cleanliness.

Rain Dancing

2011-04-27T01:16:00.003+02:00

I'm busy perfecting my rain dance for Friday's celebrations.

Care to join me? Go here and learn how to rain dance.

What I'm listening to.

Cadbury Creme Egg Cakes

2011-04-24T13:49:00.001+02:00

Ab-Fab Returns

2011-04-22T12:49:00.001+02:00

Break open the bolly Absolutely Fabulous is making a comeback, they will return later this year.

Running Buffet

2011-04-21T13:52:00.003+02:00

Carmen and I have been invited to a running buffet tomorrow tea time. What I failed to ask the host is what is a "running" buffet, how does it differ from a normal buffet?... Anyone? I've told Carmen not to squeal in delight at the sight of food and only pick food up using the very tips of your fingers, that way you look more dainty and never and I must stress NEVER on any account must you place your gaping maw at the edge of the plate tipping stuff in like a blue collar worker would a cement mixer. Oh yes, I've seen her devouring chinese food this way, it's chilling!

Off With Her Hair!

2011-04-20T16:41:00.004+02:00

Princess Anne has had a makeover, doesn't she look amazing?

Sadly it was only a virtual makeover, it only took me 15 mins. Do you fancy giving Princess Anne a much needed makeover? Afterall she does have a wedding to go to soon.

Make over Princess Anne at TAAZ I would love to see your efforts.

Charity Pens

2011-04-16T15:29:00.006+02:00

By bending a charity letter at one end and applying a little pressure, it is possible to extract the free pen without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt.

Winner Announcement

2011-04-14T15:52:00.012+02:00

Congratulations MJ you win the prize of the century! Get shopping! Send me an email with your choice item and I'll shop for it tomorrow.

Get The Look!

2011-04-13T14:48:00.003+02:00

Get that Kate Bush "librarian" look as seen in The Hounds Of Love Video

Accessories: Mitzi recommends an ear trumpet, pipe, wheelchair, butterfly net and dentures.

Guess The Song Title

2011-04-11T12:56:00.006+02:00

Can you guess the song title from the picture? May require a bit of lateral thinking. Winner gets to choose a gift from Poundland

Gin O'clock Time

2011-04-09T16:37:00.007+02:00

On warm sunny afternoons such as this, One is partial to a little Gin and Dubonnet.

Gin and Dubonnet a Queen's drink.

Power Napping ?

2011-04-07T16:09:00.002+02:00

Petticoat 5 First Computer For Women

2011-04-05T11:12:00.004+02:00

With a built in emery board spacebar and a pop-up vanity mirror. I want one!

Nice Biscuits

2011-03-28T23:03:00.006+02:00

Are Nice biscuits pronounce Nice or Nice? I always pronounce it Nice, But Carmen insists that it is Nice.

Wake Up Everyone!

2011-03-28T15:59:00.001+02:00

Natural Harvest - Cooking Wth Semen

2011-03-26T15:50:00.003+01:00

I would love to see Delia Smith trying out these recipes. I'm quite partial to a semenolina.

The Wonders Of Make-Up

2011-03-24T13:50:00.004+01:00

With just a few sweeps from the kabuki brush, a hound is transformed into a stunning fox.

RIP Liz Taylor

2011-03-23T14:36:00.001+01:00

Mitzi's Lucky Dip

2011-03-21T23:36:00.020+01:00

Look at the pictures below, feel yourself being drawn to a single picture, then click onto it, for a nice surprise!

Suicidal Pheasant Run

2011-03-18T17:47:00.007+01:00

I ran over a pheasant today, not deliberately! It was standing on the grass verge proudly showing off his golden plumage then it ran straight under my front wheels... Crunch!

Kobi Levi

2011-03-17T15:37:00.004+01:00

Fancy swanning around in a pair of these? Israeli artist Kobi Levi transforms high heels to look like different objects from Madonna's Blonde Ambition costume to shopping baskets.

Strike a pose Vogue!

At Last The Daffodils Are Here!

2011-03-15T00:57:00.003+01:00

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

Knit Yourself A Royal Wedding

2011-03-11T16:33:00.004+01:00

If you didn't get an invite to the royal wedding don't despair for you can knit yourself there.

Knit your own royal wedding by fiona goble

A backdrop of Westminster Abbey included, so that you can display your creations in authentic surroundings.

Arse Sniffing

2011-03-10T00:31:00.005+01:00

Chatsworth Estate's brothel keeper, Lillian, in Channel 4's Shameless. You've got to love Lillian!