Friday, 5 December 2014

Granny's Dildo

When my grandma died and we were sifting through all her things. I came across this curious object.




It was nestled inside a bedside drawer full of miscellaneous items. I held the thing aloft and asked what's this?  My mother stopped counting the bank notes that had been stashed under the mattress, looked up and said it's was a butter patter, my sister looked up from inspecting the contents of a jewellery box, cackled with laughter and exclaimed it was a dildo, being a young naïve slip of a thing, I asked, what's a dildo? "You shove it up your fanny" came my sister's coarse reply. I was going to ask why, but the men from the black ambulance had entered the room to pick up grandma, so I left it at that.

It was years later, whilst watching an episode of Bargain Hunt with the lovely Tim Wannacott. A contestant on there had picked up the same thing, only in marble, the antiques expert explained what it was used for. It's a darning mushroom for repairing worn out socks.

18 comments:

  1. With a good washing in between, it could be used for all three!

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    1. Grandma must have used it to darn grandad's socks and then used it again after he died, I reckon she boiled washed it on the stove along with her smalls "making gusset soup" as she used to call it.

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  2. Replies
    1. That's easy for you to say! Haben sie eine Stopilz,verwenden sie on a regular basis?

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    2. It's a good conversation starter !
      I highly recommend this for an introduction while in Germany, dear Mitzi.
      "Haben Sie einen Stopfpilz?" will open doors, lead to unknown pleasures and will generate deep memories.
      I think lx used it successfully while in Berlin.

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    3. And - while we're at it : Always cling your glasses with a friendly "Stößchen ! ?". Will leave an impression, Dear.

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  3. I have the urge to plant a little fairy atop.

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    1. If you are going to plant a fairy on top you must first set the scene. Paint the top part red, with random white spots give it a coat of varnish to protect it from the weather then stick a fairy on top, you'll be the talk of the neighbourhood.

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  4. Having conducted estate sales out in the country, I've come across many of these in all sizes and shapes. Some actually look more suitable for what your sister suggested. However, I insist that if used for that purpose they should be covered in a condom. It cuts down on the splinters...

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    1. They probably did the whittling themselves being country folks. It must be very lonely living out in the sticks with only nature to commune with.

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  5. Sock darning... Sadly a lost skill... I have several of these laying about the work room... I'm yet to master the darning of a sock but it's not for the want of trying.
    At least Granny had the imagination to find an alternative use for it rather than chuck it out with Grandad's socks... One always finds use for a good sized mushroom head.

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    1. There is a good reason why it is a lost skill, life's to short to be darning socks especially when they are so cheap to buy or steal from off clothes lines.

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  6. I'm sure it's a perfectly lovely butter patter, but I think I would rather have had the bank notes.

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    1. I was rummaging for Ativans I knew she had them hidden somewhere. In retrospect I would have gone for the cash too, but mother got there first.

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  7. Was your Grandma Fanny Mountjoy-Williams?
    Sx

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    1. Lily Proudfoot, she bore a striking resemblance to Noele Gordon.

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  8. It looks more like a medieval butt-plug to me.. rather than a dildo. It is amazing how technology has advanced.... nobody would make do with such a rudimentary device these days... no! I was in Ann Summers only the other day when I picked up a triple-pronged Anal Intruder... it was the glow-in-the-dark model, in dayglo pink, and had three different speed-settings, a built-in rechargeable battery and completely water-proof. And all for £9.99. It took my breathe away! An ideal Christmas present for Grandma .. or even Grandpa.

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