Sunday, 13 July 2014

First Impressions





I forgot to mention that yesterday was my maid of all work's birthday, she's 48 though I must say, she doesn't look it, she looks much older and could easily pass for 60. 


When Carmen's crown came out she stuck it back in with superglue and it stayed put for over 6 years that is until recently when she was sat guzzling a box of toffee poppets with such fevour that she didn't even notice when her cheap acrylic crown had come out and that she had swallowed it.

After many visits to the dentist, and many £££s out of my facelift fund, she was eventually fitted with a new bespoke porcelain crown and as a bonus the dentist had given the impressions he made of her teeth to take home and dispose off. Instead of throwing them away, I thought I would make a feature of them without her knowledge. I sanded the rough edges down, gave them a coat of white emulsion, then stained them with a used teabag and baked them in the oven for half an hour, then once cooled I gave them a coat of furniture wax and they look amazingly like ivory and just the effect I was after. I can't say she looked thrilled when I presented them to her as a birthday present, in fact she looked at me as if I wasn't altogether plumb. The ungrateful bitch!






13 comments:

  1. First, of all, belated Happy Birthday to Carmen!

    At first mention of the crown, I was thinking that perhaps Carmen was a member of the extended royal family and had been made "Queen for a Day" or some such to celebrate the occasion. Sorry.

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    1. I would buy Carmen a crown of the finest Bakelite if the institution of the monarchy was to be brought to an end.

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  2. What's the matter with her? I think that's possibly the most thoughtful and inventive gift I ever seen. These maids...honestly. I gave mine a Ped Egg form JML at great expense and he was not impressed. Just like I was when I found him rasping at his heels with my Nigella parmesan grater. Class. xx

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    1. I thought so too. Those Ped Eggs are amazing aren't they?

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  3. What do I have to do to get all my cleaning products to dance merrily about me as in the illustration?

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    1. Simply indulge in that age old pastime of Brasso sniffing. It's like being in Fantasia.

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  4. I too was thinking ahead. I thought Carmen had stuck her hair back on with superglue.
    Sx

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    1. Sadly, Carmen started to lose her hair the same week she moved into Moss Cottage, she's bald as a cunt now.

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  5. Those modern c ...oots ...
    Impressive fangs. And a nice receipt for faked ivory, thank You dear Mitzi. You are dealing in antiques by the way ?

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    1. She's 50 now and still has her own teeth.

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  6. Keep up your crafting skills. I suspect you're going to be gluing Carmen back together on a regular basis as she inches closer to the graveyard.

    I prefer Tacky Glue.

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    1. I won't, I'd just get a new one.

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