Monday, 20 February 2012

Mitzi's Day Out

Where have you been today Mitzi? Did you visit the shimmering waters and sheer beauty of Lake Windermere?

or Whitby, with it's quaint little shops and cafes?

Perhaps you enjoyed the idyllic villages and the rolling meadows of the Cotswolds?

No it was none of the above. Today Carmen and I visited Grimsby, twinned with Libya, Grimsby is a seaport on the Humber Estuary in Lincolnshire.

It's not called Grimsby for nothing!

Driving into the town centre I made a hurried survey of all the boarded up shops, feral children smoking, pregnant horrors pushing buggies sometimes followed by a neanderthal youth wearing tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks. Do I make a hasty exit or carry on? My upper lip is as stiff as the next British person's and so we carried on. We parked in Freshney's car park which is a busy shopping centre/market where you can find many fashionable items at discount prices, such as Ug boots for £9.99. Feeling a bit peckish we found a nice little cafe, I ordered the connoisseur's choice, a jacket potato with cheese. "Not after 2 o'clock" said the pig faced waitress wiping her nose along the back of her finger and then wiped her finger on her burgundy tabbard. Which left me wondering if a law had been passed. Was there now a curfew on jacket potatoes? "We'll go elsewhere" I replied. If looks could kill, I would have been dead. "You'ves left it too late ant yers?" she spat. "I'm sorry dear, I don't speak Mongolian". My top lip started to twitch. Quick, get me out of this shithole!


  1. I'm wondering, will Grimsby be one of the Olympic venues this Summer?

  2. That "Grimsby Gal" certainly demonstrates the art form that is customer service... Probably topped her class!

  3. And possibly tops her tracksuit panted sock tucked boyfriend with a strap on too!

  4. Wait, that's not Britain. I know. I watch BBC and read Agatha Christie. Bring on the quaint, the charming and the well-spoken.

  5. I was going to write something vaguely pertinent, but the idea of Grimsby being a hot bed of Olympic activity has left me too amused to write anything better.

  6. Strangely enough I smell an old fritteuse ...

  7. What a lovely outing.

    Grimsby sounds like the perfect place to visit on a grim winter day.

    I would have ordered a cup of hot water.

    Spelled out the word TIP on the table with pennies.

    Then I would have splashed her in the face with the scalding water.

    And stalked out in a huff.

  8. Where are the cobblestones?

    Have I been misled by Coronation Street?

  9. I used to love riding my bicycle over the cobbles when I was a nipper, it gave me a thrill like no other Ouuuuuuu Ahhhhhh. Sadly because of the compensation culture (where there's blame there's a claim) and the nanny state we live in most of the cobbles have been ripped up and replaced with ugly tarmac. You'll still see them in quaint little villages and rural areas.

  10. Hi Mitzi, you are so funny. I loved your tales of Grimsby. I do symphathise. Being a famous transvestite based in Wiltshire, I am also subject to such urban monstrosities within a 2-hour radius: Swindon, Basingstoke, Newport, Weston-super-Mare, Swansea... the list is endless. Please feel free to check out my blog I hope to see you soon. Lots of love, Fanny x