Thursday, 5 February 2009

The Tea Cosy

The Tea Cosy Brighton's campest teashop God forbid if customer's were to dunk their biscuits.

The Tea Cosy, Brighton enforces a strict code of etiquette. Dunking biscuits is “strictly prohibited”. Resting elbows on tables, clinking of spoons while stirring and being rude about the Royal Family are all offences punishable by immediate expulsion.
Mobile phones must not be used in the main tearoom under any circumstances
If you have the desire to use your mobile phone please step out the front of the shop
The un-savoury habit of dunking biscuits is strictly prohibited and will result in you being ask to leave the tea rooms

"People have to obey these rules" says David Daly proprietor "otherwise they're out!"

David and James would like to welcome you to the Tea Cosy Tea Rooms. To avoid embarrassment we ask you to take note of the tearoom etiquette.

Mobile phones must not be used in the main tearoom under any circumstances. If you have the desire to use your mobile phone please step out the front of the shop and stand to the side.

The un-savoury habit of dunking biscuits’ is strictly prohibited and will result in you being ask to leave the tea rooms.

There is a correct way to hold your cup and saucer. Pick up your cup and saucer together-holding the saucer in one hand and the cup in the other. The best way to hold a tea cup is to slip your index finger through the handle, up to almost the first knuckle, then balance and secure the cup by placing your thumb on the top of the handle and allowing the bottom of the handle to rest on your middle finger. Hold the cup lightly, by the handle- your pinkie doesn’t have to be extended (contrary to popular belief, the ring and the pinkie finger should not be extended, but should rest by curving gently back towards your wrist). Hold the saucer under your cup while you sip your tea (least you should spill or dribble).

When stirring your tea, kindly refrain from clinking the sides of your cup. Gently swish the liquid back and forth being careful not to touch the sides of your cup if possible. Never leave your spoon in the cup and be sure not to sip your tea from the spoon either. After stirring, place your spoon quietly on the saucer, behind the cup, on the right hand side under the handle. Please ensure you introduce a little milk or cold water to your cup before pouring your tea to prevent cracking of the china.

We have kindly provided sugar tongs on each table for your use. For hygiene reasons please do not touch the sugar cubes in the bowl.

Blasphemy Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, Julie Goodyear MBE, Princess Diana, Jane Mc Donald, or any member of the royal family is strictly prohibited and again will result in you being asked to leave the rooms.

Guests are invited to adopt correct posture and avoid from resting elbows on our tables.

Conversation should never be louder than two tones above the chink of a tea cup andGood table manners are expected at all times.

As display of respect, guests in residents at the stroke of 4pm on Sundays are required to rise for The National Anthem, followed by three cheers for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. Un-cooperative guests will be promptly issued with their bill and escorted from the premises. (Disabled and infirm exempt).

The management reserved the right to ask you to leave at any point during your stay with us, without giving reason, should we find you uncongenial. We hope you enjoy your visit to the Tea Cosy.

Complete silence please when the piano lady is playing the national anthem at 4pm.


  1. Sounds awesome! It is about time manners are given their due.

  2. Oh my goodness. I'm tempted to fly over just to show up there in a plastic oversized cowboy suit with a hump and set up a whole row of glasses which I would play some god awful blasphemous song on (can't think of one). When asked to leave I would make a horrific scene breaking down crying that I just wanted to how you genteel folk done act right good. There would be a few desperate and upsetting attempts at mercy before I left, ending in my totally flipping it, doing awful and uncalled for impersonations of Helen Mirren as The Queen under my breath while twitching one eye a little.

  3. I'd love it if we had an American anthem time of the day, nobody would know the words!

  4. Jesus Harold Christ! I've seen less rules in a Bridge Tounrnament.

    I'd be willing to bet it's been a long time since ole David Daly has had some good bum-fun, and is desperatly over-due.

    Nice that the gimps and geezers are exempt from having to stand tho. That's a classy touch.

    And, since I'm being a bitch (shock, I know) just what colour exactly is that hair?!?

  5. I wonder if the flat above the shop is available for rent. Reavis, you could play God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols on full volume all day long.

  6. Reavis, lets go!
    I'll swing by and pick you up!

    Mitz will be there Sunday 4pm.
    I'd recommend wearing camo fatigues, a face guard and a bullet proof vest.

  7. That sounds like a rollicking good time. Hold me back!

  8. Shirl, you in? we could totallt trash the joint...

  9. The hair I think it's ginger, can't really tell with the light shining on it, but I bet he calls it "Earl Grey" blonde. The next time I visit Brighton I'm definitely going to visit his place, just to gawp at the gaudy decor.

  10. Looking at the place I think someone has beaten you to it.

  11. PLease, for all that is holy, Mitz if you DO go, take a cam and cause a fuss...

    ...say the tea is not hot enough, the buscuits too crumbly, or the decor is giving you a rash, dip your biscuits, demand the Monarcy be disolved, belch, fart and otherwise be as un-ladylike as you can possibly muster.

    I promise we'll post bail.

  12. She looks a highly strung individual doesn't she? I will do my best Kitty, except for the farting cause that's just disgusting. I will use the toilet for sure, I'll do a bab and leave it for her to see, she'll be appaled. I'll pay the bill in pennies, if it's raining I'll carry a huge golf umbrella and open it up inside knocking royal memorabilia off the shelves in the process. I will ask the woman playing the piano if they are her own teeth, and I bet you were really pretty when you were young and laugh affectedly like Baby Jane Hudson did when she served rat to Blanche.

  13. I thought of the sex pistols and God save the queen when I wrote that! That tuban is increasing your psychic abilities!

    Yeah, what is going on with the queen that runs the place. Does he get screwed on some big hand made lace doily that he keeps fussing about not to get soiled?